| the vast majority of my life has been spent with people who claim to "know how i feel" or to "understand". they don't. you don't. you don't know what it feels like to be taken from your home by a theif in the night. to be warehoused with other kids like damaged goods that were recalled back to the factory. you don't know what it is like to be dependent on substances and told that was bad. then given other substances that were equally or more damaging and then be hooked on them. and when you try to go off of them you end up on a couch somewhere with cold sweats and shakes feeling like a crack feind. you don't know what it is like to lose time. to "wake up" a few hours later and be somewhere else and covered with drool. you don't kow what is like to take massive ammounts of medication to save your pathetic life that isn't really worth saving and find out later that they failed to mention that it would damage your hearing and basically fuck your body up for the rest of your life. you've never wished that your mom had gone through with that abortion. it would have saved her and you a lot of pain and sorrow. you don't know how it feels to know that you can't have kids. not because your body couldn't handle it, but because the hormone surge would drive you crazy and if that didn't do you in it would be the guilt of knowing that you just infected another human life. you sentenced it to a life of horror and trauma, needles and tests, stumped doctors and sadistic aides. you don't know what it is like to be held down on gritty linoleum floors by sweaty people. had them insert needles into your ass or strapped to beds or restricted on to a blue board and left in a room the size of a closet. and the worst part of all of that was not knowing why. and when you finally get out and actually get better because of some God or satan sent miracle, every time you have a bad day or cry peaople think you are going to try and kill your self. "but we understand" they say. " i once took a handful of aleve with bad intentions. " fuck that. you can take at least 17 aleve with out doing damage to yourself. i know from personal experience. if you didn't end up in a hospital getting your stomache pumped or if you don't have visible scars from slashing your wrists, you didn't try to complete suicide. so don't compare your white bread self to me . you don't get it and you never will. |