Teaching My Dog to Attack
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My dog is a fucking wimp.  He is apparently scared of the dark and often runs from bird or cats.  For a German Shepard he is definitely and odd ball and not great looking to boot.  His eyes are too far apart and he always has this retard look on his face.  But he’s my dog and I love him all the same.  The question is, “How do you get a dog like this to kill someone?” It was a challenge I was willing to pursue and after taking many different approaches I decided the best way to get him in the mood is to beat him on a regular basis.

I’d wake him up with hard smack on the head and as soon as he stood up I’d launch a kick to his ribs that would send him sprawling.  At first he’d wimper and run off but as the beating progressed and got more severe he’d start to growl and occasionally snap.  In response to this I’d punch him dead in the nose or poke an eye or somehting.  He started to really hate me.  Sometimes I’d throw lit matches at him and he really took a dislike to that even though he never lit up.  Often times during dinner time I’d tease him with a scrap of meat and then do the switcheroo to the spray of Pledge right in the eyes.  He’d run off into walls and cry like a baby.  Waa Waa.  But I could see the look on his face begin to change.  He wouldn’t have such a duncey look but more of an alert ready for anything stare.   I’d often catch him staring at me from a distance with a look like he was plotting or actually thinking.  And I knew something was brewing.  When I caught him in this look I’d run aftern him and kick him around or throw him down the stairs.  Eventually physically he started to look different like a ragged wild dog with a limp.  He took on a real motley look and he had the evil behind his eyes which I’ve been working toward.

One night I locked him in the kitchen with me and I threw all of my plates and glasses at him and they were bonking and smashing off of him as he tried to dodge and find a way out of the kitchen.  When I picked up the big spaghetti pot he shot me a look like, “Fucking throw it sucker! Do it! I’m ready! Bring it on dickstain! I’ll fuck you up!” I hurl the spaghetti pot at my poochie and bonk him right on the head.  He snarls and ducks away for a second and then leaps at me.  I catch him mid air and stumble backwards into the window smashing it out.  He’s snarling viciously and ripping my skin apart.  His teeth bite deep into my shoulder and he starts tearing.  Good dog! I tell him as we fall to the floor.  He continue his attack and I’m punching his ribs and he’s biting at my neck and face.  We roll across the floor together knocking over the table and chairs the glasses from the counter smash down onto the floor as I start pushing my hands into my dog’s face and try to push him off of me.  But he’s got the red in his eyes and there ain’t know stopping him now.  I laugh and say Down Boy ! Heel! But he ain’t about to heel nor get off of me.  I feel deep gashes in my upper body and face and then he chomps down on my ear and tears it clean off.  I grab the spaghetti pot and start gonging him on the head with it but it seems to only make him madder.  He bites real deep into my neck and rips a whole hunk of muscle in flesh.  As the blood drains from my neck and I bong my doggie one last time with the spaghetti pot- I take pride in my success and wonder what god will make of this whole turn of events.