LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD
"Gimme that dog!" I said to the kid walking in the park. He's all getting protesty with, "Mister...this is my dog..." I grab for the leash and am like, "Gimme that mother fucking dog!!" I snatch the leash and the kid immediately starts crying. I grab the dog around the throat and squat down next to the kid. "Stop crying kid... I'll snap Fido's neck... I'll snap it... Don't doubt it...He'll die right here... Stop your crying!" I stare the kid dead in the face until he can manage to dry up his tears. He made a noise out of his face like he was actually snorting the tears out of his eyes and into his sinuses. Finally he stopped his blubbering so I released Fido's neck and handed the kid the leash. He thanked me with a snivel and ran off with his mutt. Now you tell me- won't that kid love his dog more than ever now that the pup had a near death experience? He will love that pooch ten times more. And that's my goal in life- to spread love and remove anything that may stand in love's way.
After leaving the park I headed into a local coffee shop and sat down at a booth. I stared down at my place setting and focused in on my fork. The stainless steel shined back at me dully under the horrible greenish flourescents. I noticed there was a minuscule speck of food stuck on the side of one of the prongs. I zeroed in on it and it looked like old mashed potato or something. It was disgusting. It was not only old food on my fork, but old food that had been in someone's mouth and dried on the fork. Now it was served to me. The fork was unloved- as was I. When the waitress came over to me I asked her who washed the dishes and silverware. She informed me that the coffee shop had a dishwasher named Enrico in the back and she wanted to know if there was a problem. I told her there was, but I would rather deal directly with Enrico. I got up and marched through the double swing doors that led to the kitchen leaving the waitresses protests behind me. A fat old navy looking cook was sweating it up over the grill -dripping sweat on the food- and Enrico was scrubbing away at a pot. I ran up to Enrico grabbed the back of his head and slammed his face into the sink faucet. Then I stood him upright and showed him the fork. I pointed out the speck of food and asked him for an excuse. He had none, so the fork went into his eye. I told him how he was loveless heartless motherfuck. He staggered back with the fork stuck in his head as white bloody glop glop gushed from his socket. I grabbed the cleaver off the rack and ran at the sweat drenched cook who was staring slackjawed at Enrico who was busy pulling the fork out of his eye. As the cook turned to run, I swung the cleaver down into the back of his neck splitting his spine. The cook let out a big loud spray of spit and grunted. Googily eyed and awkward he flopped down face first on the grill -sizzling his face and chest, but because of his recent paralyzation he couldn't do much about changing his current situation. He just lay there as his skin bubbled up. Then I went back and did some cleaver work on Enrico whose good eye was looking everywhere at once while I sectioned his body. I love everybody so friggin much.
That done, I grabbed the jug of bleach next to the mop pail and I kicked open the double doors to the restaurant. I leaped up and landed on the counter and stared down at my stunned audience. I announced "Ladies and gentlemen of the diner! I have killed for love's sake. The murdered two in the back would have you eat off dirty forks! They would sweat in your food and care not! They were without love! Now they are dead and we are safe. I have done this because I love you all! Now I will drink the bleach!"
I toasted the diners and then chugged the bleach down
feeling the love spread and hearing the screams of happiness flood over
me. A final lesson for the diners- to love one another while we can
because life can end at any moment. I could do no more. I shut my
eyes and fell backwards off the counter into a pool of glistening golden