me and you and a dog named Crud===============================
So I got this pit bull, right? And I dress up as a cop, see? But I'm not really a cop. My pitbull hasn't eaten in a really long time except the bowls of blood which I give him from time to time. I poke the dog with sticks alot. He would be classified in the 'especially unfriendly' category at this point. But I trained him real good and at the sound of my secret word "mutherfucker" he sure goes haywire. He attacks and attacks and just doesn't stop till everything around him is dead. I practiced him up with cats and other dogs and oldsters that I pick up at the supermarket. Them oldsters will believe practically anything. My dog seems to really get pleasure out of that sort of bloody mess making. I got this cop uniform which is the best thing a person can own as far as I'm concerned. Makes things real real easy in whatever you do. My dog's name is Crud. When I say "Hey Crud!" He like gets all looking like he knows something. He loves me and knows he could never hurt me. I burned that as deep into his brain as it could go then I sealed it off. But enough about me... lemme tell you about what happened today when me and Crud went down to the local elementary school...I show up at the school and walk Crud around. Crud is all sniffing and snorfing. He's like wiggily wild eyed. I got him on a chain and his collar has little metal pegs which face inward. I got it hooked up with a battery so when I push this button it gives Crud a little jolt. Keeps him awake and alert. Not that he really needs it today, but I can't help myself. People are giving me looks cause I got this uniform on, and one dumbo asked me if there was a bomb scare. I like told her that she shouldn't be concerned and then when she passed by me- I quietly spit on her back. She felt it but I'm sure she blocked it out kinda thing. Anyway I knock on this one door with all pictures drawn on it by the kiddies, and walk on in. I'm like, "Hi kids! I'm Officer Friendly, the principal sent me here to give you a surprise visit!" The kids are all like "Yea!" THe teacher gives me like a look and I give her one back to let her know everything is ok. I go up to the board trailing Crud with me and write on the board "Mother" and say 'does anyone know what that says?' The whole class of future mangled meat says in unison, "Mother!" And then I write on the board "Fucker" and am like 'how bout this one?'... I glance over at the teacher who sees that something is way wrong but doesn't know how to react. This fleshy jokester in the back yells out "FUCKER!" And I say "That's right"....<clink> off the leash I let Crud. "MUTHERFUCKER!!" I yell in Crud's ear...Crud takes off like a rocket. That puppy is intense. He leaps up on the teachers desk and jumps into the middle of the students who are all like screaming and stuff. I sit in the teachers chair and put my feet up on the desk and watch the festivities. THe teacher is like trying to corral the munchkins away from Crud who is just getting his bearings and realizing it's Christmas Day in Mad Doggiville. He goes to work. His starts by biting this one youngster right on the face. This kid's whole face practically fits in Crud's mouth. The kids muffled scream was pretty funny and when Crud pulled away the whole face came with Crud. The sound in the classroom was like a bunch of kids on a roller coaster. The teacher is next to get chomped and Crud sinks his teeth into teacher's leg and rips off a calf. She's like telling all the kids to run. Very noble indeed. Crud finishes her off pretty quick, unfortunately. The whole time I'm sitting there pushing Crud's little zapper button and yelling "mutherfucker!" every now and then to keep him riled. Crud goes from one kid to the next to the next to the next biting out their throats and ripping and chomping and chomping and biting...till everyones dead and everything is quiet. Ah... the wonderful silence. Crud settles down to a meal of pink sweater student and calms himself down. I put my hands behind my head and wait for the sirens. I go back inside my mind to the deepest darkest corner and wait there. Then like this cloudy static starts rolling in and I hear the inside grey matter television set click on and that's usually the time that the witches come and tell me stories and throw stuff around- and I sit back and relax in a cold clammy lawn chair in the farthest reaches of brain on a vacation sipping rum punch and taking the liberty whenever possible to piss all over myself.