Setup:
Guitar: Squier Infinity Strat
Amp: Squier Champ 15
Other: DigiTech 100 multi effects pedal
Age:14
Height:5 foot 4
Weight:145
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the goodies in the first place.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you
have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explore by
simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and
cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish
and singing all the time.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug
of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.
Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking
them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through
their reply.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the
offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring
a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under
tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want
to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on
when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator
pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old
rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the
passengers.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the
head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided
tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
