Jokes from Ahmed on line
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"
A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
Andy tells me..."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
Did you hear about the blonde who:
1 had more on her body than on her mind?
2 was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3 took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4 got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
5 was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
6 7 had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
8 thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
9 was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
10 after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
11 went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
12 brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Farmer John was a sheep farmer. He raised sheep all over his property. One day, a beautiful young brunette came up and asked him, "Farmer John, if I can tell exactly how many sheep you have in your fields, can I have a lamb to take home and raise myself?" Farmer John agreed, knowing wholeheartedly that he had way too many to guess accurately. The beautiful, young brunette told him that he had 376 sheep in his field. Farmer John was beside himself. Being a man of his word, he told her to go and pick out the one she wanted and bring it back to him so he could untag the ear. For about an hour the brunette was out in the field. Finally she returned with her choice. Farmer John looked and her and asked, "Now, can I ask you a question?" The brunette complied. Farmer John asked, "If I can tell you what color your hair was before you dyed it, can I please have my dog back?"
There was a blond, a brunette, and a redhead riding in a car, and they ran a stop sign and a cop started chasing them. So they got a little farther ahead and saw three burlap bags lying in the ditch. They stopped the car and each of them got into one of the bags. Now, the cop caught up with them and saw the empty car and the three bags. So he went up to the bag with the brunette in it and kicked it. The brunette said "meow, meow", and the cop said, "oh, there's a kitty in this bag. And he kicked the one with the redhead in it and she said, "arf, arf", and the cop said aw, there's a puppy in this bag. Finally, he went up to the bag with the blond in it and kicked it and she said, "potato"
A Blonde girl goes to work one day crying because she found out her mom had just died. Her boss asks her 'What's wrong?? Why are you crying??'. She replies 'I just found out that my mom passed away'. The Boss decides to let her have the day off but she insists on working so that she can keep her mind off her mom. A few hours later her boss decides to check on her and he goes in to her office and see's her crying histerically. He asks again 'Why are you crying??' she says 'My sister called saying that her mom died too'.
There was a fire at the blond's house and she decided to call 911. So she call's 911 all upset and crying " You have to come over and help me my house is on fire." The fireman says "Ok, lady calm down, How do we get there?" The blond states " DUH?? The BIG RED TRUCK.
A Blond goes to a company party and wins a thermos for
the doorprize. she asks her co-worker, "What's a thermos?"
He says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Oh!" The next day at work, she brings it with her. Her boss, who is also a
blond, says "What's that?"
The Blond says "It's a thermos." Her boss asks her, "What's that?"
She says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." Her boss asks her,
"What do you have in it?"
The blond says, "Two cups of coffee and a pop-sickle."
A blonde was walking on the opposite of the river from a
brunette.
The brunette yells across to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"
The blonde hesitates, looks back and replies, "You ARE on the other side!"
A blonde goes in to apply for a job and she fills out an application. She takes it up to the man and he says you forgot three blanks. He asks how old are you, so she counts on her fingers and finaly reaches 22, okay then how tall are you so she tries to measure herself she says 5'2, okay then what is your name, she nods her head back and forth for a few seconds and says Jenifer. He sayd okay I get how you got your age and you height, but how you you get your name by noding your head back and forth, she says I was singing "Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear jenifer.
There was a blonde who walked into a hair salon to get
her hair done. she said to the man "Please, I would like you to perm my hair,
I'm getting sick of it!" "Alright ma'm said the hair dresser, "but I need you to
take off your headphones first"
"No I can't said the blonde "I have to keep them on" "Fine said the man. So he
did the perm then the lady left. About two months later, the lady comes back in
asking for her hair to be highlighed. The man said okay but she would have to
take off the headphones. But she insisted that she keep them on.
The man did her hair then put her under the dryer. About 10 minutes later, she
was fast asleep. The man was curious as to why the headphones were so important.
So he took them off her head and she stoped breathing. He put the headphones on
and the tape said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in breathe out...."
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts: "Can't you see I'm winning?!"
A blonde was going to Paris and she had a coach seat. When she got on the plane
she sat in first class. A stuwardess came and told her to go into coach she said
she didn't have to. Another stuwardess came and said if she didn't go in coach
she would get the co-piolit. She said she wouldn't move. The co-piolit came and
whispered something in her ear and she got up went to coach. The other two asked
how he did it and he said he told her this part of the plane wasn't goin to
Paris.
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to
Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has
failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer
than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the
flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just
fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival
will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one
engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we
lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and watching
the 11:00 P.M. news. A man is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building,
contemplating suicide.
The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20.00 that the man jumps off
that building and commits suicide."
The blonde thinks for a moment then replies: "OK, you're on!"
They watch for a few minutes and sure enough, the man jumps off the ledge. The
blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her, saying: "I
can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to confess that I watched the
6:00 P.M. news this evening and I knew that the man would jump.
The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news too, but I didn't think
he'd jump off again!"
Ok, there's this blonde who wants to buy a TV, so she
goes down to the electronics store and tells the salesman, "Sir, I want to buy
this TV." And the salesman goes, "We don't sell to blondes."
So she goes home and dies her hair brown. The next day she comes back, and says
to the salesman. "Sir, I want to buy this TV." The salesman says, "I'm sorry, we
don't sell to blondes."
So she goes back home and shaves off her hair and puts on a baseball cap. Later
that day she goes back to the electronics store. Once more she says, "Sir, I am
going to buy this TV." This time the salesman says, "Look ma'm, I told you, we
can't sell to blondes!" The blonde says, "Gosh, I dyed my hair then shaved it!
How do you know I am a blonde?"
The salesman: "This is a microwave."
Every time this blonde touched her shoulder, it hurt.
Every time she touch her thigh, it hurt. Everywhere she touched with her finger
it hurt!
So she went to the doctor and asked what is the matter.
The docter asked if she was a natural blonde and she said yes. The doctor stated
to the blonde that she had a broken finger.
The Top Ten Reasons Why Blondes & Computers Don't Mix:
10. "Like, there's more numbers than 0 and 1!"
9. It's not easy to remove fingernail polish from the keys.
8. Too many broken nails jam the keyboard.
7. The alphabet is not in the right order on the keyboard.
6. When blondes make a mistake with a computer there's
no one to sleep with to forget it ever happened.
5. Computers refuse to answer when blondes talk to them.
4. Blondes can't figure out which key starts the food processor.
3. Joysticks don't work very well when they're wet.
2. The screen can't handle that much whiteout.
1. They keep trying to force feed cheese to the mouse.
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well
over ninety miles an hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Shit," cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
A blonde competed with a redhead and a brunette in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The redhead came in first, the brunette second. The blonde finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke. She sais, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me." He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Wyoming?" She quickly replied, "W"
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stuck on a deserted island. They find a magic lamp, and when they rub it a genie appears. Because there are three of them, they get one wish each.
The brunette says "I miss my family and I want to go home." POOF!, the brunette was gone.
The redhead makes the same wish and POOF! she was gone as well.
Finally the blonde makes her wish. "Gee, I miss my friends," she says. "I wish they were back here with me."
A blonde is driving along the highway in her Volkswagen Beetle when she sees another blonde on the side of the road standing at the front of another Beetle with the hood up. Thinking that she may be able to help she pulls over and asks the other blonde what the problem is.
"Well I was just driving along on the highway when suddenly the car died, I pulled over and popped the hood and saw that my engine was gone," replied the second blonde.
"Well not to worry," replied the first, "I have a spare one in my trunk."
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. So she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is angry, very angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She points the gun to her own head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."
One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office. She went into the examination room and said, "Doctor, I have a bullet hole in my hand and I don't know where it came from!" The doctor asked, "Have you had any personal experience with a gun recently?" The blonde replied, "Well, yesterday I was going to commit suicide. At first I was going to hold my breath till I died. I couldn't do it though. Then I was going to shoot myself in the stomach. That was too bloody. So I decided to shoot myself in the head. So I put the gun up to my ear and I put my other hand on my other ear because I knew gunshots were loud, you know?" The doctor nodded. "Well, then I pulled the trigger and the next thing I knew there was a hole in my hand!"
Two blondes were roofing a house. One would pull out a nail and then hammer it into the roof. Then he would pull out another nail, look at it, then throw it over his shoulder. Blonde two eventually saw what blonde one was doing, watched him a while and then said, "Why do you keep throwing out every other nail?". The first blonde replied, "Because their point is on the wrong end." The second blonde then said, "You airhead, those nails are for the other side of the roof!"
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The blonde paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
BLONDE: (puzzled look) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian." The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from ?"
Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small table
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited
Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
A blonde, a brunette, a moviestar, the pope, and a pilot were in a plane. The plane was going down, and there were only 4 parachutes. So the pilot took one and jumped, then the moviestar took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped. Since there was only one parachute left, the pope told the brunette to take the last one. The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left...the blonde took my backpack and jumped."
A blonde walked into a bar.
She said, "Ouch!".
A blonde driving a brand new car is car-jacked at gun
point.
The police question her, and she responds: "I don't remember what he looked
like, but I can give you his license plate number."
When asked "Have you ever read Shakespeare?", the blonde replied "No, who wrote it?"
Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?
Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
