Dalton-Ellis was great for a bit, wasn't it? I mean, you wouldn't want to live there for ever, and we clearly stopped liking all the other people very quickly after we left, but we all enjoyed ourselves. Here at ObstaB Towers (God, that was a rubbish name. Still, too late to change it now) I've received quite literally a few e-mails from Daltonians desperate to keep in touch with their former friends and neighbours. So without further ado, I bring you...

Daltonians Reunited

Jo Dimitros - Having completed her degree and got a job in London, Jo hit the headlines in all newspapers for becoming one of the first people in history to have a reverse Siamese operation, as along with her future or possibly present husband Steve, she succesfully managed to actually physically become joined at the hip.

Kate Carlisle - To all those who knew and loved Kate, it was always clear that she acted a little older than the rest of us, settling into a middle-aged routine of wearing cardigans and tidying. However, seemingly unnoticed, she aged much quicker than the rest of us, finding herself in her mid 40s, 50s and 60s before most of us had hit 23. Or in my case, 12. Determined not to be blighted by her new found age, she embarked on a succesful, but hopefully brief, media career as 'Aggie' in How Clean Is Your House.

Monique Arthur - Former Economics student Monique has always strongly denied the rumours that she was the mother of Neil Jones' first child, M'Bowi N'Dowi, but at times she has made it well known that she wishes she had of been. Shortly after leaving Dalton-Ellis, she broke up with James Baldwinson, an IT student who mistakenly thought that he was cool, and piled on the pounds through post break-up comfort eating. Now 25 stone after a horrible bacon sandwich addiction, Monique earns a living as the UK's second best Rusty Lee impersonator. PS - Its important, and funny, to note that her Daltonian words of wisdom were 'Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.' Very true words from Monique, as only days after Neil letting her down gently (the second time) she met hunky James.

Andrea Duffell - Andrea, a French and German student at the University of Manchester, and also inventor of the coat, married Dalton-Ellis' Senior Student Neil Horrocks in a small ceremony in the summer of 2003. despite the fact that she was wearing a traditional wedding gag, handcuffs, and was drugged up to the eyeballs, she agreed to become Mrs Horrocks, and now lives with Neil in a semi-detached house in Lowestoft, where she regularly turns a blind eye to his trips to school playgrounds.

Ruth Burns - The temptation to be cruel here is overwhelming. I truly am an extremely bitter and angry individual. Just thank the lucky stars that that Shrewsbury harlet didn't go to Dalton-Ellis. I don't know how I'll cope when I write up Becky's bit. Anyway, long story short, Ruth's dead now.

Zahra Robbins - Best known for her cruel dictatorial work on 'A Streetcar Named Desire' Zahra took her motivational skills into the workplace upon the completion of her degree. Soon fired for poor man-management skills, Zahra joined an underground movement, angry with the way that the capitalist world had conspired to make them lose their jobs, determined to fight back and to take what belonged to the people. Zahra now lives in Guantanamo Bay.

Jack Barraclough and Asif Burhan - A lot of people are fortunate enough to find love whilst at university, and none more so than Jack and Asif. The two Graham residents, who in total spent 8 years each at Dalton-Ellis, found rejection after rejection when trying it on with women. Jack was seen as a happy-go-lucky friend type, whilst Asif scared women, and was seen as a major fire hazard due to the petrol that he used in his hair. One lonely night, a few too many drinks turned into a stolen kiss, and a beautiful relationship. The pair are to marry in San Francisco next year, and have adopted an African child from a mysterious N.Jones.

Immanuel 'Immi' Rubin - German student Immi had to counter many rumours of his homosexuality at Dalton-Ellis, most of which were started by the fact that he'd obviously learnt English from John Inman. Upon his return to Berlin, scarred by the rumours that he'd left behind in England, Immi forged a succesful career in adult entertainment as Kurt Kock. Blessed with an enormous member, Immi starred in over 100 heterosexual orgie-movies, and even dueted with David Hasslehoff in a smash-hit German Number 1 for Kinder im Need, entitled 'Ich bin der Strudelmeister.'

Pete Bowden - Violent uneducated Northerner Pete had a near death experience in 2002, when he drunkenly started arguing with himself on a night out, and inadvertantly asked his uncle to kick the living crap out of him. Pete spent six months on life support, but is slowly starting to rebuild his life. Whilst in hospital, Pete found God (He was in B Ward) and has moved to Los Angeles, where he is a TV pastor. Pete has 7 children.

Simon 'Ringo' Ellis - Retarded Simon gained a pass in Mechanical Engineering, and joined the army. Tragically injured in service (He fell off the zip line whilst completing the Krypton Factor assault course), Ringo now lives in his own filth in a Birkenhead council flat, surrounded by empty beef burger and Jaffa Cake boxes. Simon lives with Mark Scott.

Mark Scott - Mark is the only Daltonian to appear in the Guiness Book of Records, for Most Unsuccesful Suicide Attempts (37). Mark failed to cope with the fact that Becky pulled everyone else that she met except for him. Mark, who is often mistaken for Graham Coxon, divides his time between his bedsit in Birkenhead that he shares with Simon Ellis, and the bushes outside Becky's house.

Charlie Lort-Phillips - Exposed in 2003 for actually being from a block of flats in Dudley, and having changed his name from Kenny Burke, Charlie returned disgraced to the Birmingham suburb. The shame of not actually being upper class forced Charlie into being a regular glue sniifer, and he now earns money for Pritt Sticks by washing car windows at traffic lights, and selling roses in night clubs.

Rebecca Watkins - Rebecca has been battling with depression ever since she left university. Not because of the fact that Mark lives outside her house, but because her brother Alex Bell has refused to make contact with her since 2000. All Rebecca wants for Christmas this year is a phone call and a hug from her big brother. And a plasma screen.

Iain Milne - In 2003, Iain realised he was fed up of wearing thick glasses, and felt that the spectacles he wore prevented him and his band from making it big. In an attempt to rectify this problem, Iain looked into laser-eye surgery. Unfortunately, the cost was too high, so he went to the Laserquest at Stockport. Iain would now like to ask that you all participate in the forthcoming Blue Peter Bring and Buy sales in order that he might receive a guide dog

Has anyone from Dalton-Ellis contacted you to let them know what they're up to? I beg of you, let me know...

Return to semi-normality HERE.