ObstaB's World Weekly (or so)
Hello and welcome to the first of a regular series of lectures on life, by me, ObstaB. If you can think of a name for this column that isn't toss, then simply let me know and I'll be happy to change it, and to credit you for your efforts.
Basically this page gives me the opportunity to rant about some crap for a while, and hopefully regularly updated. But I wouldn't count on it.
I can't think of a subject for this first column, so I might just try and wing it a bit. I'll start with a talk on insomnia.
Where as 1998 was known as The Year I Started Going Out (It would have been earlier but I was cursed with a baby face that just doesn't want to go away. It's embarrassing when all your mates still think that your 12th birthday is coming up) and 1999 was the year when I did my upmost best to embarrass myself (Michelle, Rachael and Julie being the first names that spring to mind. I'd include Fat Bird from New Years' Eve, but that wouldn't be fair would it), 2000 will probably, amongst other things be known as The Year I Never Slept. I mean, I did other things. As I write, I'm recovering from Neil powerbombing me onto Jay's floor and also from having one of those relationshippy things explode around me in a mist of arse. But, as everyone who knows me will vouch, my inability to nod off will be the thing that you're all happiest to get rid of.
Not sleeping, or insomnia as clever people call it, really really hurts. On a good night, I might get 3-5 hours sleep. That's rare. Most nights I would get 1 or 2 hours. Great fun. It all started in January. I had a theory, but it's a crap one. Go with me on this.
Right, so, I went home for Christmas. There was no Xmas Piss-up, I was on holiday with my parents, it would have been considered bad form. It wouldn't really have bothered me personally, but I ain't getting pissed up on my own, and then making the obligatory drunken lunge on someone when its just my sister and my mother in the room. So, barring New Years' Eve, I didn't go out at all, or get too drunk due to the dastardly title of 'Designated Driver.'
When we came back to university, I got toasted. And then some. I got into a regular phase of never stopping drinking ever. I was seemingly in a permanent daze of alcohol. And as a result of this, I never slept, more gave up, collapsed. However, moving into February, I stopped drinking heavily for a bit. I got stressful. People were worried about me, as I looked sickly and ill all the time, through a big lack of Vitamin C, and good food, to the state where Jay's mum said that I looked 'icky.' The stress of a Dalton relegation battle, hating my course but not having the balls to do anything about it, and realising that I could NEVER EVER give up the drink that easily, and therefore having to worry about the consequences of my drunken actions and all the other damn important decisions that I minced over, caused me mucho problems. The biggest of all was not sleeping.
So, I went crazy. During one evening when I couldn't sleep, I decided to do something useful. No, not course related, I played Championship Manager. Now there's stress for you. I saw something, which I am no longer convinced happened. I believe that I saw some people playing with a portable laserquest system outside my bedroom window. Upon confronting who I thought did it, they looked at me with a sneer, and a look of pity and disgust. Have you seen Fight Club? Ed Norton goes all insomniacical and look at him. I'm sorry if I ruin the film for you, but if I go crazy enough to start an undergound guerrilla mafia group, and start going a bit schizophrenical, then I'll be very worried.
So, how do you cure insomnia? I dunno.
Sorry, I keep thinking that I've cracked it, then fuck up bad style. Here's the methods I've used.
1 - Have a hot drink before you go to sleep, and read a book - Straight from my mum's, 'An early night's sleep'll fix any problem' school of medicine. It's all very good and well, but I'll keep reading the book until its finished, at which point I usually find that its about 8.30am the following morning, and once again I'm waking up fully dressed.
2 - Don't drink too much - I'd rather not sleep thank you.
3 - Take some hard drugs - The actual advice from my dad was take Tamazapan (?) But my mum got scared. I should never have let her see that Grange Hill with Zammo, she's convinced I'll turn junkie now.
4 - Take some weird Slumber Gloop Shit and force yourself to sleep so you don't have to ever take it again, the foul red puke - This one did alright for a bit. However, when the medicine bottle says, 'TAKE ONLY 1 SPOONFUL' I advise that you listen to the warning. When you just, 'pour in,' for a laugh like, and then wonder why you spend all night hallucinating, do not be surprised.
And finally 5 - Do not get a load of stress that keeps you up all night thinking about what the hell is going on, why its going on, and what are you going to do about it???? - I think we all know what I'm talking about here.
So there we are, my first really quite unfunny page. Sorry. If you have any comments about any of the dope that you been checking out, bo, on this page, then please get in touch with me via [email protected] which is an address that you can use if you also wish to suggest a topic for my next seminar. Check it.
Go home.