Back once again with the ill behaviour...
Ok, take 5 second years, change one of those to a first year, and add two more fresher's. Mix this with a house full of girls, a lot of mists full of arse, and this is what you get.
Yes, its my very special: Top 100 Memories of 2000/01.
1 Neil, in drunken gay stupor, being let into the house by my good self, collapsing in his bedroom, and then on a toilet trip, getting lost and trying to climb into bed with me. So confused was I, that I didn't know if it was all a terrible dream.
2 Jo collapsing outside mine and Neil's bedroom door, and sleeping there for about 30 minutes. Al got so annoyed that he poured water on her. She failed to notice.
3 On the same night, Neil being unable to get back to bed, because he saw a bat in his room, later changed to be a mouse. So terrified was young Neilio, that he slept on my floor to avoid the Batmouse, and stuffed my footy scarf against the door, so that nothing could get in, or out....
4 Brian destroying a friendship, by patting a close friend of his's arse all night..
5 When we all thought we were funny by leaving the following as our answer phone message:
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
And a Happy New Year. We're not in.
6 And a month or two later, during a social drink at Orange Grove, the following was left on our answer phone:
'Hello Tom, its Alex, I'm at Orange Grove. Where are you? Oh, you're stood at the bar, oh that's right, ooooooooh, why am I phoning you then? I don't knoooooooooooow. But erm, Jay, your mam looks like Andy Gray. Oh my God, that rhymes so it must be true. (Sings) It means its true, it means its true-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooo. Shrewhoo. Shrew is Egg Boy. EGG BOY EGG BOY. Uh, Lager lager laaaaaaaaaggggeeeeeeeeeeerrr. Neil is smelly and fa----ntastic! Mwhaha!'
7 Neil buying both Flash Gordon and the Three Men and a ... series in the same day. And not watching either of them.
8 Brian taking a friendly grapple too far (again) by driving Neil's head into the wall.
9 Sat in Sofa, playing 'I have never...' and the disturbing look in Neil and Vicky's eyes when discussing anal sex fantasies.
10 Jay and Kelly returning from the Radiohead gig, and creeping into the house to avoid waking anyone up, to find that myself, Brian and Jo have drunk more of the old tooties and vodka mix, and Brian is on his way to puke in the bathroom, whilst I would only get as far as the bin in the kitchen and spray remnants of the booze on Shrew's jacket only to remember as he was about to wear it to uni.
11 Myself and Neil sat at home one night, as everyone came back from the Firkin. They had been expecting a night of karaoke. In the end, Jay licked Al's toes clean of custard.
12 Jay's friend Stuart trying it on with Kelly.
13 On his 20th birthday, Neil being convinced to the core of his heart that he had seen Chris Benoit, so much so as to ask the guy, after moments earlier berating Wes Brown.
14 Alex, as with so many others, being dedicated to Big Brother. So much so that he rang us from Morocco to see who won.
15 Shrew's dad offering to put him up in a hotel until he could find somewhere better to live.
16 Jay's mate Sasha slagging off Neil for wearing Capitalist Adidas pants, made in the sweatshops of Portugal, and me for wearing an England shirt, made under slave labour, for minimum wage in Nottingham.
17 Alex: Who wants to go to Soft? It's �9.90 all-you-can-drink?
Us: Yeah, ok.
Alex: Right, I'm off to down some vodka first, and then wonder why I've been ill in the morning.
18 When Shrew dressed as Scotty Too Hotty, and decided to do the Worm. And he spelt it out. W-O-O-R-M.
19 Shrew getting over-patriotic during the Olympics, and taking international rivalries disturbingly too far.
20 To complete the Shrew hat-trick, when playing Track and Field and he set a new record of 6.64 seconds.
21 Vicky going to a party as an FBI agent, and showing her qualifications by rolling drunkenly around the floor, action hero style.
22 You need mental help. Oh dear. Possibly the most serious moment of the year, and as myself, Neil and Jay tried to maintain our composure at Al's mature outburst.
23 When we watched Valentino ass-licking for the first time.
24 Brian? A tranny? Didn't I predict that? Well, if I was wrong, why did he have lingerie adorning the back of his door when we moved in?
25 Ainsley Harriot: Hello, welcome to Ready Steady Cook. Today's chef's are that Kevin bloke with the tash, and the dude with the long greasy hair. Teaming with Kevin, is Brian, from his estate. Hello Brian, what are you going to cook?
Brian: Well Ainsley, I thought about a baked potato, with veg.
Ainsley: Wonderful, well you've only got 20 minutes, so get crack....
Brian: Twenty minutes? But everyone knows the best way to cook a baked potato is to leave it in the oven on gas mark one for 5 hours. You can shove this bloody game show right up your...
26 Jay's new healthy drive kicking off with Gammon. Mmm, salty goodness. But never eaten...
27 When the girl's friend Cookie chatted up Jay. I'm sure another fella did at some point too.
28 Neil, bless him, likes football, but doesn't really understand. So, when we went to the England game, he shouted, 'Where's The Drive?' and 'Don't you want to go to Korea?' Idiot.
29Three magical words that sent shivers down Shrew's spine, and injected fresh hope into Jay, Helen, Al, Neil and myself. 'Next goal wins.' And hence, the magical and well timed knee of a Neeraj Jones mishit special secured a third win out of three in Park Football for our fearless heroes. With one touch, we went from 9-3 down to 10-9 winners! Ha!
30 Al snogged her. Next week I snogged her. We both thought she was ugly. In the words of Neil, 'You've just snogged a bloke.'
31 Neil lost his phone. A nice boy at MGS found it, and took it to his house. In Romiley. East Stockport. So we drove out, with Neil sending me in fourteen different directions, showing map-reading skills better suited for a woman. Or walrus. I guessed the directions on the way home, and got back in no time. Stupid Cushing's boy.
32 Alex conveniently forgetting that we had a five-a-side match and turning up drunk. And when he went for the warm-up, he just kept running Forrest Gump style down the field.
33 Maine Road. December. Me and Al turn up, and find that our seats are on scaffolding. And it starts raining, without prior threat of such weather. Everton show their class, and get humiliated 5-0. Most people leave at half-time, but I make Al wait until the final whistle, because I had earned the right to boo the team.
34 My birthday, we went to Owen's Park bar. Nice. And me and Shrew are stood by a fruity, and notice that it isn't working properly. I dare Shrew to switch it on, and he does. An alarm immediately shrills out in the room, everyone stares at Shrew, who's finger is still touching the plug, and he looks round the room, trying to find someone else to blame.
35 The lady at the Filmworks making fools of us, by asking where we'd like to sit to see Ready to Rumble. Of course, no-one else had been as stupid to rush to the cinema to see this classic on the day it came out. Except us. Sorry.
36We-e-e-e-e-e-ll, it's the Big Show, yes it's a big bad show tonight. Me and Al knew what was going on in Neil's room when this romantic classic came on.
37 So, we went for a boy's night out, and a girl's night out. Sounds simple enough doesn't it. We went to Owen's Park to warm up. Oh, look, it's the girls. Well, never mind, can't be a problem. We arrived at Infinity. Ah. The girls are coming here too. It was like a school disco, with the boys on one side of the room, and the girls on the other.
38 And same night, me thinks I drank too much. Someone suggested rum. I was already tipsy, alright I was pissed, it seemed like a great idea. I'm 100% positive that I pretended to be a sea-captain at this point. Then, I drank lots more, went for a pee, puked my guts out, stayed in this bog for about 45 minutes, trying to stay awake. Struggled, so walked straight out past some people I knew, but couldn't recognise (sorry if this was you) got a taxi, asked to get let out early, puked near the first OP bus stop, wandered home, was sick near Gaff's and went to bed. This story is an ObstaB's World EXCLUSIVE as I was too embarrassed to tell you it when it originally happened. I learnt a lesson that night, and now maintain dignified drunkenness.
39 Brian ate apple pie for tea. I still can't really get over this one.
40 Going to Subway after a full day's drinking, and Neil telling people that Mr. T was the man and that he was making a new A-Team movie that was coming out very soon. Surprisingly at midnight these people didn't want to hear this lad's drunken ramblings.
41 Kate H's birthday, and a school uniform theme was set. And Bomfunk came on over the system, and Neil managed to Bomfunk his way off the stage, falling and landing on his ass. Like an idiot. Prior to this, it wasn't that busy and we re-enacted the Run DMC video, with people coming into the middle and breaking it down, and the like.
42 When Alex made punch at the Christmas party. Without any hint of fruit juice. And it was decreed that all who touch said beverage must die. Al was so drunk, he thought he'd seen two moons.
43 When we realised that Brian, with his new glasses on, looked like Nasty Nick from Big Brother 1, coincidentally as Brian stood underneath evil green light at Bar Med. And I'm sure Brian mentioned that the DJ was a cunt as well. Over and over again.
44 When Neil kicked a car because it had his initials on it.
45 When me and Brian had a table match with some cardboard and polystyrene when we got our new oven.
46 When I took about 6 or 7 attempts to reverse park into the space of an aircraft hanger during resits.
47 When the TV rental woman told Neil that he'd put on weight.
48 When I started the year all healthy by going swimming. Twice. Bollocks to that one.
49 When we all devoted ourselves to Student Radio. And went to two meetings. No wonder we didn't get the gig. Oh wait, that may have had something to our crap ideas.
50 Jay's scuffer hat. If only we hadn't put glue in it, then maybe he wouldn't have worn it all the time.
51 As Alex told us, Brian's mammoth cock.
52 When Neil asked two guys in Nottingham Forest shirts, in Blackburn, on the day of the Blackburn v Forest game, which was taking place in Blackburn, whether they were going to the game or not. Idiot.
53 Bin Jenga. You spill the tower, you empty it lad.
54 Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to stalk Neil Jones from our house to The Friendship Inn. Take care, for he will go to Owen's Park for cash. So don't be stood by the exit as he leaves, and then turn and look the other way once he comes out. And then, if you're spying on someone, you probably shouldn't go for a pee, which involves walking past the target and his evil friend.
55 Alex's birthday life of crime, when he stole bananas from a fruit and veg stall. He has since sworn that he will buy them some bananas as compensation.
56 Neil sticks about a tenner in a fruity, and wins nowt. With only twenty pence left in the machine, and no loose change, Shrew sticks in ten pence. And gets invincibility. Which earns him some �60. Neil grumbled like no man has before.
57 A proud moment in FIST's existence. Playing one of only two dates in the 2000/01 year, we were at the Dalton-Ellis Karaoke night. After a usual rendition of If Ya Gettin' Down, we were congratulated on our performance by some girls, one of whom lived in my old room at Dalton. We then met two lads outside, by the names of Ducky McFaggott, and Petal O'Queer, one of whom lived in Neil's room, and was disgusted to learn from the Jonester that Neil had peed in his sink. We rounded off our performance with Limp Bizkit's Take a Look Around, and received as near to a standing ovation as we're ever likely to.
58 Seeing Shrew's cinematic debut in Road Trip.
59 Alex, drunker than death, on his birthday, had badly scarred knuckles. From 'beating up a tramp.' Or running, and tripping. Whichever really.
60 Calling our Millennium Cup team 'H from Steps'. It was a hell of a lot better than the Racist Rapists, or the Harry Krishnu Guru Murphys. But not by much.
61 Finding a poo bra in Shrew's bed, that last year's tenants had conveniently left for us.
62 Managing to break a fridge, a freezer, an oven, a microwave, a toilet and a shower. In the space of a year. Thanks Vince de Paul!!!!
63 Brian being the first person in history to actually call one of those competition numbers from the scratch cards you get free in magazines.
64 Hungry Jon's HUGE elbow drop during his mud wrestling bout.
65 Same night, and some divots were doing Westlife's Uptown girl, and people were throwing tomatoes. Alex was one of these, and then some other eejit threw a drink. And the Westlife fellas jumped off the stage at went right for Al. Funny.
66 Al and Jay claiming that they'd damaged the tendons in their hands from bowling too fast. Bless.
67 Jay wondering why when he threw his keys onto a sofa, they might disappear down the sides. All the time. And he never cottoned on, as he lost his keys every week we bloody lived there.
68 Neil revealing that his first son will be known as Germintrude, and his first daughter as Walter. He then pre-arranged a marriage with Jay's first son, Fuxswin Cunthwaite Chirinos, to take place on the McDonald's fun bus, at McDonald's in Mansfield, Narnia, where Neil will work, and achieve 2 stars on his badge.
69 Alex sleeping with a knife by his bed when he was the only one there.
70 Alex making me a bacon butty to start the getting on with my life deeley the day after Her ended stuff. Not exactly funny, but much appreciated, and something nice to throw in.
71 When we found that playing with a microphone was the most fun ever. And Jo told Al that we were all being really immature. So we did it more and louder.
72 JUMANJI. Every morning, at about 6am, someone in our house would be playing the board game JUMANJI, and accidentally release the rhinos to storm down the stairs waking the entire planet up.
73 I've only heard the legend of this one, so if someone made it up, well done, it was nice, but the look on the majority of the girl's house's faces when Kate Holmes 'friend of the night' came downstairs for breakfast. He may or may not have been a squaddie, I forget.
74 Hey guys - Quick note. When you buy Sky, you buy it with watching programs in mind. So buy a Cd or listen to the radio if you want fucking music, right?
75 Brian not telling us that his documentary was on, but everyone else that we know ringing up and saying, 'Brian, were you on telly wearing just your kecks?'
76 When I took Jay to Casualty when he had suspected Meningitis, and accidentally took him to the wrong bus stop, meaning a 15 minute walk to try and find the entrance in the cold, and then finding out on the way home that despite me having to keep Kelly informed, he hadn't even considered telling his mother. Classy.
77 G-I-N-N. Terry Ginn and Jamie, the Forest fans that we've toured the North-West's finest Nationwide league grounds with, who are grown men who still hide in the toilets to avoid full fare, and who actually drink Skol.
78 When Brian goes drinking with his coursemates, gets wasted, comes home, goes to bed, and no-one's the wiser that he's been out or even come home.
79 When Jo and Alex had a tiff one night (Understatement of the Year 2001) following some more detective work by Alex, and Jo came crying and knocked on my door, and in a slightly drunk, and rejected (having not had any messages that weren't from Alex at Shag Tag) manner, I made groaning noises, and went back to sleep, as the rest of the house got up to deal with the situation. I got stern looks from people in the morning.
80 A gaff of Alex's. Again. He was talking on the phone whilst Shrew was chatting with someone that we know, and blatantly made it clear that he fancied the girl in our living room that was with young Thomas, despite her boyfriend. But with so much volume that Shrew laughed when he heard it, and Miss Anon probably overheard this secret confession too.
81 Brian marching to Iceland for two boxes of broken biscuits. And wondering why none of us wanted to take him up on his offer of joining him in this Bargain of the Century.
82 Brian again, this time taking offence to those rotters smoking marijuana in our house. Nasty boys.
83 Same night, and with reflection girls, maybe you had a bit too much to drink. There had to be some reason for you wearing all of Brian's pants on your head, and over your clothes.
84 Poor old Jay's flaky nob. So much has dropped off it, we're not sure that there's anything left.
85 Brian having to get the campest mobile phone in the world. Sorry lad. But then you'll not read this. You have got a girl's phone though mate.
86 Also on a real Brian theme, when he wanted to punish Sasha, Jay's mate, so much for her outburst, by using a method most associated with 10 or so years of your life spent behind bars, and regular visits to the Sex Offender's Register.
87 Jay, lying asleep, to be awoken by Alex, stood naked but for a hard hat covering his little fella. Urgh, and I've got that hat in my house now...
88 Alex declaring that Jay's mam looks like Andy Gray.
89 Neil allowing strange men to come into our house and to take a look around at where they lived 10 years ago. Well, they seemed nice enough.
90 A knock at the door. 'Hello, one of our workmen will be in your cellar for a bit, can you let him out in 15 minutes?'
91 Jay's crazy Iceland lifestyle, where it was acceptable to turn up in sweaty ripped shirts, cos apparently nothing could be worse than Fozzie, the bearded lady.
92 Mwha mwha mwha! The scam with amazon. Half price CDs, ta muchly. (It was all Delroy Faxter Mr. Amazon, never ever me.)
93 When Kelly made enough rice for the entire planet, but then just left it in our sink. Its still there if you want to tidy it?
94 FACT - Our house was hoovered 5 times all year. Once before we moved in, but with hazardous smoke cos we didn't realise that it was full, once again when we borrowed the girl's hoover, once before the Christmas do, once before Jay's do, and before we moved out. Who loves us?
95 Jeev. An inseperable force within our house, that emitted laughing gases rendering all within it to believe everything to be hilarious.
96 Was I the only one who crank called Brian during Easter? Alex tried to from Spain, but gave away who it was in the first sentence.
97 Slipknot does Independent Love Song. To 'enjoy' click here .
98 Neil deciding on his birthday that he would climb into the toaster rack area to steal a giant sign, and then remarked what it would be like if someone stole Owen's Park, and hid it in his bedroom.
99 Alex embarking on a non-drinking binge for a month, and betting me a fiver that he'd do it, and then asking if he was allowed to be exempt for Jay's birthday seeing as how it had been long enough. Well, me being the most tight-fisted person ever, not likely. And pay up he did.
100 Neil being so desperate to clear debts that make Everton Football Club's seem like a drop in the ocean, by selling his body to medical science, and getting gout and a bionic claw. Job's a good un.
Wow. It was a hell of a struggle, made more difficult by none of youse lot actually helping as much as I asked you to, but we got there in the end. And I've written loads more words than last year's!
Again though, we're gonna try to set up a vote for the top 10 of the hundred, or have I left anything that I may have been aware of but forgotten.
Send me your favourite 10, with your number 1 clearly marked, (the others can be in any order) and we'll see what the bestest memory ever is. If you think I've missed anything, add that as well, you never know what could make the final list.
The e-mail address for the is - [email protected]
Go nuts party people, and pop your collars.
Return to the menu