And for my next trick...

Ok, Sum up first year at uni in a page. Basically, I am going to take the (very good) Daltonian, use it as toilet paper, and then form an article to eat your pants off.

I call it: Memories were made from...erm...I've forgotten.

It's the Top 100 Hilarious Memories of Dalton-Ellis in no apparent order.

1 Shrew banging on his own door, calling himself a geek for playing Half-life

2 Shrew storming the stage at Karaoke, looking like a Psamiad, using a bottle of beer as his microphone, and eating crisps in the Instrumental.

3 Finding out that Venezuelans were the vainest people in the world.

4 Spot-on impressions of Joe Hull, the only man smaller than Keith Chegwin.

5 Brian dressing up in his RAF uniform so that he could impress Claire and Julie.

6 Andrea asking, no, no, begging me to give her my Mobile Phone Instruction book for her to read at 6.30am after a night out.

7 Brian's damning criticism of Alex's on/off sordid behaviour with Gemma.

8 Us all drinking Gemma's gift of a bottle of Bailey's and being drunk for about 30 minutes.

9 The sight of Neil mopping up his sick after Advocaat night, bare-chested, floor covered.

10 Brian leaving the Advocaat party to curl up in bed, feeling sick after too many Quadruple Advocaats, Double Southern Comforts and Lemonade.

11 The look on Neil's face when the barman told him just how much a Double Gin and Hooch cost.

12 Brian barking dancing instructions during 'If Ya Getting Down.' LEFT!!!

13 Managing to teach the entire second team the Five dance during the ball, but worrying about the part of the floor where there didn't seem to be a floor being in the middle of our group's area.

14 Brian trying to pull Felicity, but not really knowing about it.

15 Alex conceding a goal when it rebounded off the post and went in off his ass. It wasn't funny at the time though NEIL and JO!!!

16 Apparently, (I don't remember too well) being in someone's room in Top Main Hall, after having drunk a bottle of wine, and half a bottle of vodka (with Tootie Frooties) and lying with a bin balanced on my forehead, then going outside and being sick (again) from a great height, and it being bright pink.

17 Alex inviting three scary hard drunk people to come sledging with us at O'Sheas, but giving them Neil's number.

18 Alex finding out that a glass was sharp after accidentally cutting his arm, and then Brian begging to try, and Alex graciously slashing Brian's wrists. Later Brian claimed that he lost 'a couple of pints of blood.'

19 Jay telling us that his family was gorgeous.

20 John Tennant. (At, not with.)

21 Jo falling off a chair and landing with her head in a shoebox.

22 Neil's shirt.

23 Ed's voice and hair.

24 The 'fight' between Pete and Ed, where Ed responded that if Pete hit him, he'd get up, and try and talk about it, but if he hit him again, Ed might think about responding. Maybe.

25 Pete calling in the heavies, (his uncle) to destroy Jay for calling him a wanker, and me using my contacts (Ruth) to fight out a peace agreement.

26 The Karaoke night at the rampant, when I performed enough Duets and Group songs to warrant an album, a nationwide tour, and a breakfast cereal endorsement.

27 Neil's insistence that the G-Mex was a railway station when we were looking for Aqua, but then deciding that he'd got confused and thought it was the G-Tex. He had been at the Polish Spirits.

28 Al telling us about his first night, and the 'inspiration' given to him by Tuula.

29 The fear in Al's eyes every time someone mentioned, or he saw Caroline.

30 Shrew's fantastic referee marking after an energy-packed ten minutes.

31 As myself, Ruth and Andrea were just about to get on the 'luxury' coach to the ball, suddenly being begged and forced to travel by limousine, with free drink, and free comfort. Bet Jack paid for it mind...

32 Neil getting drunk at Wetherspoon's and telling us that he got off with Vicky, but had promised to keep it a secret. And broke it, within 24 hours.

33 Al telling us that Becky was his sister, and getting me so confused at his incestuous pulling attempts.

34 Jay telling us he was, and that we all were, bisexual.

35 Jay taking particular offence to Alex telling the entire football team that Jay was bisexual.

36 Ringo buying tickets to Basement Jaxx cos he thought that everyone was, but then feeling ever so alone, and dancing like a Nazi.

37 Jay singing Back For Good at Karaoke, finger in ear, to hear his pitch or something. But looking like a twat.

38 Brian eating a bowl and a half of Angel Delight and then being too sick to go out, and needing Paul Holden to be his replacement.

39 Jo attacking various members of Sutherland with After Eights, and then singing random Queen lines to our gay tutor.

40 The WORST-EVER Wet T-Shirt competition, with water pistols trying to pick off nipples from 100 yards.

41 Dirty Boy Shrew not even remembering her name, where she lived, his name, how they met, but knowing that he woke up with her, a new man.

42 Al getting annoyed with the Asians Garage Jungle Rhythm Fest upstairs, and drowning them out with Irish boy bands.

43 When me, Neil and Alex almost got Brian to buy seven shirts adorned with flames, one for each day of the week.

44 The look of sheer surprise on Vicky and Jo's faces when they found out that Ruth and me were going out. Why did everyone find it so odd? Oh yeah, you know me...

45 Alex hilariously drawing targets on my trouser-ass with biro.

46 My 'little talk' with Neil, early one Monday morning.

47 Neil 'claiming' thrice in one night, and a four hour marathon session, for his first time.

48 Alex discreetly asking me if he could borrow my room in a bid to entice a lady friend of his to bed, cos I've 'Got a Shower and everything.'

49 Tennant mysteriously getting a catalogue about transvestites, ironic when you consider his choice of lady (boy)-friend.

50 My mumbled Radio Lancashire interview with a hippy Christian about the values of Christmas, when Jo had agreed to do an interview in the street, but pushed me into the microphone, and then watched as I slagged off Commercialism, swore and accidentally insulted the interviewer.

51 Getting shouted at by the 'The Bowling Green' quizmaster, for not knowing the answer to a question. We never returned.

52 My falling asleep in the cinema, and whilst watching videos, far too often.

53 Me accidentally crushing Neil's ribs in our ill-fated Hardcore Wrestling Championship.

54 Finding out that behind Student Neil, and Ed, came Jay in the 'Most Frequent Viewer of Porn' Championship.

55 Me, Shrew and Neil waking up Pete on our return from a night out. He then threatened to get us back two days later, so we all stayed up until 3am just to piss him off upon his return.

56 Mark telling Becky that he loved her, and then getting lost in North Wales or something when she got off with Pete.

57 Alex and myself as well as Ruth and Andrea all leaving cheesy pop songs on people's answer-phones, but everyone getting blamed for the ones that they didn't actually do.

58 Ed trying to claim that Bolton was a London team.

59 Playing indoor three-a-side mini-rugby, when I was drunk, no-one else was, me kicking the wall as hard as I could when someone moved the ball, waking up with a sore foot and not remembering why, and then Brian landing on his knee, and still moaning about it.

60 Brian's last night before getting Chicken Pox, being spent watching the rest of us play Championship Manager.

61 Jay thinking, sorry, knowing that Hazel fancied him. So much so that she got a boyfriend.

62 Jay saying that he wanted a job, and applying for one. At one place. Once. And wondering why he didn't get it.

63 Brian using eighteen rolls of film at the ball, just on the stripper.

64 Shrew being sick into his hands and a newspaper on the way to Alton Towers, and Al taking the baton off him once we'd arrived.

65 My Grand National style near-refusal on Oblivion, and my begging to be let off and offering to walk down, as I was in no rush.

66 Jay genuinely being terrified on the Haunted House.

67 The grace, the style, the swan-like dying motion and the downright cheating by Jay in the Cup Final, to win a penalty.

68 Al's many ass related stories, particularly the colostomy bag under the white t-shirt one. Classy!

69 Ian getting Becky's friend so drunk that he could have knobbed her, but then continuing to let her drink, until she nearly died.

70 Jay being sick, but it was from running, not drinking. Honest.

71 My breaking of the downstairs Ewings toilet, through Chicken Satay and Wine Vomit.

72 The quite unfair, and harsh treatment that Neil received from Becky when she told him he'd never ever pull, and the many reasons why.

73 B is for Benny, b is for booing, b is for boring, no, B is for...This side is the loudest!!!

74 Me never quite recovering from the shame of the cashmere jumper 'joke.'

75 Al forgetting that we hadn't spoken to Ringo for months, but putting him in the Secret Santa anyway, and then cheating so that he didn't pick his name out.

76 Neil playing football, and being the only person on the planet worse than Gary Ablett.

77 The state of Ruth's sister, Amy, on Helen's birthday. I challenge anyone in the world to forget her beautiful rendition of whatever Steps song it was.

78 Myself, Alex and Neil's mad dash panic around Manchester through florists to get some very late last-ditch corsages, and bumping into Charlie Genge in a florist-cum-furniture shop, and panicking with some sort of anti-flowers cover story.

79 The let down when everyone saw Jay's brother.

80 After watching the rugby team, being invited to their post-match piss-up, and drinking far too much, stealing about ten more cans, and then waking up in the toilet in Graham, just in time to watch Speed.

81 Going to Sainsbury's to buy food for a barbeque, and ending up with Ruth and Andrea wanting to buy a tent.

82 Alex getting beaten up by a girl on the It's A Knockout style game.

83 The lads' graffiti with cake decorations of the fridge in Ewings.

84 John 'Duckarse' Tennant being well hard by bursting into my room and threatening to 'have me' (like that's hard, most newborn babies could twat me) and all the others, except Alex, he looks mean, because we called him names. All together now, aaaaah. Bless. (It may have also been cos we slagged his girlfriend off, but we don't like her, so what's wrong with that?)

85 The Neil and Monique conversation and/or the aftermath of the Neil and Monique conversation.

86 Brian presuming that because Neil had got off with his mate Jill, that they would then go out, get married, have two children, (Scotty and Buh Buh Ray) get a dog named Rocky, buy a cottage in Wales and grow painfully old together. Bless. Only downside was, she couldn't remember him. And when she did...

87 Jay moaning and whingeing about no money one minute, then going to watch another film about gay cowboys eating pudding, and buying an album by some made up American Psychedelic Funk Band straight after.

88 Jay's script for his Murder Mystery Film based in a hall of residence, featuring Vicky mumbling the line - That reminds me, I need a slash too. If there's enough support, I may put the script in it's unfinished form, or get Jay to finish it, on the website. Mmmm, tasty.

89 Our fun day in Liverpool for the football, when we got to see a classic portrayal of Alex becoming meek in front of someone's parents.

90 Neil's dad winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

91 Me calling Alex, Neil for the first two weeks.

92 The complete and utter paranoia in the first semester that Ruth and Andrea were always up to something, but never knowing what.

93 Alex being the romantic of our group, by continuing his then on/off thing with Jo in a toilet by his room.

94 Alex declaring that he could tell when Claire was staying with John, not by using the preferred method of 'Is John in? Yes. Therefore, so is Claire,' but by saying that he could smell her minge juices down the corridor.

95 The continued accidental purchase of products similar to wine: for example, Lambrini (eugh) and AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH - fortified wine!!!!!

96 Alex falling over whilst filming the credits for The Joe Hull Project.

97 When me and Jay were singing 'Independent Love Song,' and that French lass from downstairs/upstairs came up/down to ask us to turn Backstreet Boys down please, and I deadpan told her that I didn't know what she was talking about.

98 Andrea panicking ever time that 'Richard' rang her, and hanging up, whilst moaning that he never rang.

99 When loads of people paid for Shrew to have a curry, after he'd thrown up on his birthday at the Firkin, and I went in, ate a few poppadums and then went home.

100 Writing these memories - No, not really. The look of love in Vicky's eyes when she leant in to kiss Jay.

Can you taste the fun that we all had? Can you. I bet your bottom dollar you do!

OK - You've had your fun reading it, now it's time to vote.

Send me your favourite 10, with your number 1 clearly marked, (the others can be in any order) and we'll see what the bestest memory ever is. If you think I've missed anything, add that as well, you never know what could make the final list.

The NEW e-mail address for the website is - [email protected]

That's just for the website, wow!

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