Tom's Manchester Predictions 2000/2001
Ok, it's simple. I will predict the year. So there.
For simplicity, the houses will be known as Blokes' House (sorry Jo), Girls' House (sorry Andy) and Other House (sorry for the informality guys)
September - Welcome back to Manchester guys, it's gonna be ripper. At one point in the opening week or two, 16 people sleep in the front room of the Blokes' House when they realise that our house is nicely positioned to take advantage of after a night out, will always have a full fridge of beer, and has the world's biggest telly ever. Unfortunately, we don't know four of these people. Shrew sets up his keyboard and cello in the kitchen, and Brian his guitar, and they take requests for tunes 24 hours a day. Al sets off the panic alarm at regular occurrences, claiming that he's testing the security and three of Neil's teeth disintegrate due to sugar. At the Other House, Anna is shocked to find that she's on permanent Free Hot Dogs duty, and Andrea forgets she's back in England, and speaks French all the time, confusing Jay. In the Girls' House, Andy is spotted wearing a pinny, dusting.
October - As the end of October draws near, Jay goes to uni for the first time. Ever. He hands in his Biology GCSE Coursework. Shrew gets fed up of music and changes to Women's Studies. Neil drops out of uni when he realises that, like his home town, his course doesn't exist. He goes cycling around Wales during reading week to clear his head. Speaking of which, everyone goes home for a few days in reading week. Except Brian. Who controversially is caught by an early returning Tom, asleep in Jo's room wearing fancy pants. Luckily for Jo, they aren't hers. Well, at least not anymore. Dalton-Ellis FC, under the management of Alex Bell, and goals of Tom O'Brien, race so high in Division 3, that they get promotion to Division 2 mid season. On a fun day out swimming, Alex gets told off for turning the Commonwealth Pool into a Fun Swim, by bringing an inflatable toy.
November - By now, Neil's lifetime ban from Revolutions for it being 'Just too damn dangerous' has affected the gang so much, that Neil devotes his now free time to a legal battle with the Vodka Bar. Shrew gets fed up of Women's Studies and changes to Media Studies. Vicky is thrown out of the Firkin during a Karaoke night, for 'ruining it for everyone else by singing properly.' Ruth and Andrea buy that tent that they wanted and put it up in the front room, and only leaving it when absolutely necessary. Andy curses his luck in the Girls' House, when he finds out that it wasn't that much fun, when all the girls' time of the month take place in the same few days, and he empties the bathroom bin.
December - It's the mad panic of needing to hand in all that coursework. Shrew doesn't have this problem as he's quit media studies for sport studies. Jo gets arrested and extradited to Morocco for alleged drug trafficking during the holiday, as the hotel manager found ��5000 worth of cocaine in their room. Alex keeps his head down. Neil successfully manages to lift his Revolutions ban, but in doing so declares the bar to be illegal and it closes down. Jay starts working in McDonalds, but makes his real money by selling all the excess fat to The Paper Street Soap Company. Everyone decides that Tom is ace. They do have a reason. Tom wins some competition he's entered to get ��5000 worth of Thomas Cook vouchers, and takes everyone to Avoriaz in the French Alps for a snowboarding holiday over New Year. Here, Jay breaks his nose when he falls over, and Brian complains that the snow is cold. Dalton-Ellis meanwhile hear that they have once more been promoted mid season to Division 1.
January 2001 - Everyone has exams. Except Shrew who's now decided to do Anthropology, in order to be like his hero, Ross from Friends. Alex amazingly gets the go ahead to film FREEKS, a move which crushes Jay, who has his latest script, a story about a midget transvestite with a limp, and a bladder problem, controversially turned down by everyone ever. Jo gets 18 years in a prison in Morocco for drug crimes. She hires 'Ace Lawyer' Neil Jones to fight the case. Meanwhile, back home, Brian joins an amateur dramatics society, and plays Tammy Wynette in the story of her life. Everyone enjoys Tom's birthday, and lavishes him with expensive gifts (that's the 15th January folks). Helen takes up ultimate fighting, to pass the time, and Laura buys everyone she knows a hamster, but mysteriously asks them to sign over their brains for once they're dead in return. Tommy Burns Sponsored 'Pint of Methylated Spirits A Day' for charity reaches Day 150.
February - Love is in the air, as St. Valentine's Day comes round, and Shrew receives a card from every lady he bedded in a dirty one night stand, breaking the letter box and the postman's back. Neil successfully gets Jo off her drugs conviction, but for a laugh, tells Customs at Manchester Airport that she's an Iranian Terrorist, and gets her imprisoned at Strangeways, where she's shocked to find Rakeface as her cell-mate, and is released ill due to the 'smell'. Following his theatre career, Brian gets a single released under his alter-ego of Miss Special. Jay receives a letter from Audrie Scobie who has had her film about 70s Dundee Punk turned into a Hollywood Classic. Shrew gives up Anthropology and studies Fashion. Dalton-Ellis get promoted to the Premiership, where they beat Dalton 18-0, and win the league. They get entered into the FA Cup, where they beat Chelsea 2-1 in the Quarter Final.
March - The Dalton-Ellis Ball comes around, and we all receive invitations. Music is provided by novelty band 'Ellis' who play so badly that the two Kates attack them with steel chairs. Neil leaves Vicky to pursue a boyhood dream of wrestling. His character is The Death-monk. Alex moves out of the house to live in London to film his new series. Shrew quits fashion, to take up Religious Studies. Dalton-Ellis get to Cardiff for the FA Cup final, beating Man Utd at Goodison in the Semi-Final to face Liverpool in May. Jo goes mad. Tom goes on 20 tv shows in a week: Countdown, 15-2-1, Can't Cook Won't Cook, Kilroy, This Morning, Blue Peter, To Me To You, Top of the Pops, Wheel of Fortune, The Lottery, Stars in their Eyes, Eastenders, The Big Breakfast, Bruce's Prize is right, The Generation Game, Byker grove, SMTV Live, The Flintstones, Crimewatch and Eurotrash. Norris McWhirter presents him with a certificate.
April - Jo runs round Manchester city centre dressed as a Chicken, and starts to believe me about the laser quest. Speaking of which, Al gets terribly blinded in a freak laser accident, but a burly man named Geoff helps him. Shrew takes up Home Economics as his new course. Brian starts taking female hormone pills. Jay's idea of a film based on two leprechaun thieves, who rob a rainbow, starring Vinnie Jones and Woody Allen is hailed as genius. By Tom. Everyone else thinks it's crap.
May - More exams. Jo doesn't take hers, she's crazy. Shrew burns a cake, and takes up Computer Science. Al's series dies on it's arse when Jessie Birchall pulls out. Helen beats up The Death-monk in her WWF debut. Dalton-Ellis pull out of the FA Cup, to prepare for the European Cup Final, in which they beat Barcelona 4-1.
June - Everyone goes home for the summer. Except me who goes to France, stupid course, making me travel and stuff. Oh, and all the bonus balls in every draw during March 2001 are 12. Trust me.
Sorry for this excuse of a page, go on leave now