Coffee Wars Episode 7: Its all gone to bollocks

Through the power of ijefiufieow, Obi-Wan Ken-Barlow was revived as Turnip King, a role which gave him no power whatsoever. Together with Des Sky-Walker, he formed a coffee shop. The gay robots, RUUP4IT, and CDUK often helped out, as did Princess Lay Her, and Hand Solo. Chewie, their adopted pet was put down, with cholera. Then all of a sudden, Darth Brooks opened a rival coffee shop across the street. What would happen?

Chapter One

One morning, Obi-Wan Ken Barlow invented a new type of coffee, that tasted exactly like normal coffee, but was made out of Heinz Spaghetti Hoops. He called it a Double Mocha Latte Skinny Hooped Coffee. It was very popular, but did have the side-effect of causing millions of deaths. It was a difficult time for 'Ready Jedi Drink,' the coffee shop. Des Sky-Walker's promotion, of a free 'Bug's Life' toy with each coffee was not working. And Princess Lay Her was not willing to dance semi-naked in an attempt to entice customers, particularly not as she had a criminal record for two years' prostitution on Endor.

The newly-opened 'Evil Cafe,' had enticed visitors with its Double-ended cups, and the lure of the dark side had seemingly won the Coffee War. It was time. For Tea. The secret weapon in Obi-Wan's arsenal of beverages, was tea. From Alderaan. It was a herbal remedy created by Har-op Bish-old, a weary old man who had once died himself, only to be revived by the power of ijefiufieow. On Monday morning, the public could choose their beverages and/or tasty bagels, as prepared by CDUK.

With the 'Taste Test' approaching, Des Sky-Walker knew that 'Ready Jedi Drink' would not survive another catastrophe. It struggled for two years whilst setting up, mainly because the kettle didn't work. Once they purchased a plug, and filled the kettle, they were on the go. Now it was make or break time. Ho Chi-Minn had been invited to vote. It was just one vote, but everyone was scared of going against him. He sipped Darth Brooks 'Acid Coffee' and said he enjoyed it. He tried the 'Herbal Tea' which he also enjoyed. However, he decided that coffee was more his drink, and he voted against Obi-Wan.

The shame was too much for Obi-Wan to bear, and he went crazy. He went out to the tent in his garden and played all his Let Loose albums as loudly as possible. RUUP4IT came to comfort him, offering him a drink. 'Thank you RUUP4IT, it is a kind offer. Alas, the coffee has a skin on it.' RUUP4IT made a smug noise and beckoned Obi-Wan to drink up. 'The skin! It tastes like... No, it can't be. It is. Jelly!' Obi-Wan jumped up. 'You little genius robot. I could kiss you if only the judges hadn't made me promise that I wouldn't.'

So Obi-Wan prepared four of these beverages, with the assistance of the homosexual robots, and he marched into The Evil Cafe, where he challenged Darth Brooks to a deathmatch. 'I challenge you to a deathmatch,' said Obi-Wan. 'You mean a taste test decided by death?' 'Correct.' Darth Brooks undid his pinny, and accepted. Itsy-Teeny-Polka Bik-ini, a random man, was chosen to taste. The jelly coffee tasted great, he was surprised. However, Darth's 'Coffee Turd' was surprisingly good. The boy plumped for Jello-Coffee.

'Ha Ha, I've won,' said Obi-Wan, as he unleashed a three-foot long sandwich to celebrate. 'Time to die Darth.' 'Never,' said Darth Brooks. He grabbed an enormously long Pretzel, and jumped towards Obi-Wan. In one of the greatest fight scenes of all time, they clashed, attacked, defended, and jumped around lots. Suddenly, Darth Brooks used his Pretzel-sabre to trip up Obi-Wan, and he held the pretzel to his chest. Obi-Wan ate the Pretzel-sabre, and pierced Darth Brooks heart with his tongue.

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