TOM WAS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER NORMAL BOY, BUT ONE DAY, SUFFERING FROM AN ALCOHOL INDUCED BOUT OF POSTURAL HYPERTENSION, HE FELL ENDING UP SCRAPING HIS HEAD ON HIS MOTHERS BRAND NEW AXMINSTER HALL AND LANDING WOVEN CARPET CAUSING SMALL PIECES OF CARPET TO BE LODGED IN HIS BRAIN GIVING HIM STRANGE NEW POWERS...... FROM THAT MOMENT ON, HE WOULD BE KNOWN AS CARPET BOY.

Meanwhile, in the icy valleys of Norwich, the evil Terry Dactyl is being awakened from his 37 year slumber by his strange henchman Butty-Botty, who is humming the tune of Smooth Operator whilst chipping away the ice surrounding his evil master. Back in Rugville, two miles outside Shagpile City, Tom and his assistant Tyrone, also known as Captain Curtain, are walking down a busy street, happily basking in the hot summer sun. This is until they hear an alarm coming from the bank. Could it be a robbery? They both sprint into the bank, when Tom touches the carpet.... A great transformation takes place, and with a flash of light, Carpet Boy appears, in his Axminster armour, with a cape that comprises of a welcome mat, blowing in the wind. 'Crikey,' says Tyrone, 'It's my good buddy, Carpet Boy.' 'Fear not my chirpy scouse comrade, I'll foil the bandits,' said Carpet Boy. They both raced into the bank, to see the masked raiders picking up their bags of loot. 'What are we gonna do CB?' 'Don't worry Tyrone. I'll handle this.' Using his telepathic link with the carpet, he causes it to rise from the floor, and wrap itself around the two villains, making them fall on the floor rolled up in the carpet, with everyone silent in awe of Carpet Boy's amazing abilities, and the only sound being the muffled cries of mercy from the trapped robbers.

Suddenly the Carpet-phone rang. 'What's that Mr. Mayor?' asked Tyrone, 'Evil presences in Norwich?' 'Yes Tyrone, I'm afraid so. The evil Terry Dactyl has been freed from his icy prison which has been his home for the last 37 years, and he has also taken the boy band 5ive hostage, although the thuggy one did put up a fight, and was frozen in the fracas.' 'That's just terrible Mr. Mayor. Never fear, because Carpet Boy, and Captain Curtain are on the way.' 'Thank you Captain Curtain!' 'Shall we take the magic carpet, or travel by curtain rail?' asked a quizzical Tyrone. I've got a better idea. We can take the Passion Wagon!' So their journey to Norwich began, their VW camper rocking from side to side as they went, not knowing if they were ever going to return from this damn fool mission.

In the meantime, Mr. Dactyl and his evil companion began to torture the members of 5ive by playing Pan Pipe versions of Cliff Richard's greatest hits, including Devil Woman, and Mistletoe and Wine. It was getting pretty intense, but luckily one of them (the gay looking one), came up with a plan to end this pan pipe madness they were suffering at the hands of Terry. Due to years of his mother being a fan of Sir Cliff, and constantly playing her record collection, he knew the lyrics, and between them they belted out the harmony "...Christmas time, mistletoe and wine, children singing Christian rhyme...", causing Terry's pan pipes to explode, startling Terry, and causing him to make a noise similar to what scientists predict would have been the cry of war of a pterodactyl. "You'll pay for that, you jumped up little boy band piece of monkey crap! Bring in the Boyzone Bots!" Butty Botty reached for a switch on the wall which opened a set of secret doors disguised as a bookcase, to reveal five replica members of Boyzone. Suddenly, Carpet Boy and Captain Curtain burst through the purple velvet drapes after being fired from the ejector seats of the passion wagon, to be confronted by the evil Boyzone robots.

Using the same purple drapes that they burst through only moments earlier, Captain Curtain focuses, and sends a beam of psychic energy to the curtain, causing the rail to come loose, and spear the two for whom I can't remember their names, crushing them. Next, Carpet Boy sent a wave through the carpet, sending Shane, and Ronan careering into the wall, smashing them into lots of little pieces. Captain Curtain then fired a barrage of curtain hooks at Steven Gateley's robotic imposter, but to no avail. Carpet Boy was unable to do anything because he was spent after using a great deal of his power. Suddenly, the real life Steven's gay Dutch popstar boyfriend Eloy DeJonge entered the fray, and bent the robot over, and buggered it so hard, that it caught fire and melted away to nothing. Terry, and Butty Botty fled in terror, but our heroes were just too tired to chase them. By this time, Carpet Boy and Captain Curtain had recovered, and then they all had jelly, and a great big dollop of blancmanche, which Eloi just happened to be carrying in his trousers.

Just when our fearless heroes, and former Worlds' Apart singer Eloy had thought that evil had been fought off forever, a trash can was thrown at the good guys heads. The tunes of Run DMC burst out, implying that Triple H was in the vicinity. With his wife, Stephanie McMahon Helmsley, they came out. 'Carpet Boy, Captain Curtain, Dutch Bender, I am the Game. Butty Botty and Terry have hired me to take out the trash.' 'Well you'll be needing this then!' cried Eloy, as he hurled the bin at Stephanie.

'Nice move,' claimed Carpet Boy. 'Terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger style line though,' added Captain curtain. Triple H put Eloy in the Pedigree 18 times, and killed his face. Shame. Then, over the new found tannoy, 'If you smelelelelelelelelelelelelelel, what the Rock, is cooking!' The Rock came out and laid the smackdown on Triple H. 5ive cheered, and were very excited. Triple H got rock bottomed, and then fell foul to the people's elbow. Referee Earl Hebner came out and counted the three. The Rock was the new Heavyweight Champion of the WWF. 'Wow Rock, that was ace!' said Carpet Boy. You'd better believe it,' said the Rock as he walked off with federation gold. Suddenly he stopped. 'Is that a loose icicle in this cavern?' he asked. To the amazement of everyone, Terry and Butty Botty exploded from the ice, and locked the Rock in the Walls of Jericho. As the Rock tapped out, Terry was proclaimed champ. He then dropped a stink bomb, and fled in the midst of confusion. 'Don't worry,' said Carpet Boy. 'We'll find him Rock. But we may need some help if DX is on his side. 'I know just the men,' said Captain Curtain.

With the aid of their new allies, The Chuckle Brothers, and The Naked Giant, Keith Chegwin, Carpet Boy, Captain Curtain and a badly injured Rock set off to Terry's other evil lair, in Pontypridd. A huge neon sign flashing in pink declared 'Terry's other secret lair. Sssssssh.' 'This must be the place Barry,' said Paul Chuckle. 'I think you're right there Paul,' said Barry Chuckle. 'Of all the fucking people in the world that you could have got Curtain, you had to get these shits.' 'Sorry CB, but all the hard people were too expensive to get the rights to for this story.' Naked Keith Chegwin removed his pith helmet and scratched his ginger locks. 'Hmm, its big alright,' he said. 'No it fucking isn't,' said Carpet Boy. 'I've seen bigger atoms.' 'I think he's talking about Terry's evil castle.' 'Oh right.'

Suddenly three shots were fired from the castle roof. Fortunately they took out both the Chuckle Brothers and Keith Chegwin. 'Oh no,' said Carpet Boy, full of life! 'They're dead.' With his last remaining breath, Paul Chuckle pulled out an old photograph of his beloved mum, Mrs Chuckle. 'This is....the last...urgggghh....thing that my mother....ow....gave... to me.' 'To you?' asked Paul 'To me.' 'To you.' They clasped each others hands. 'Jesus Christ,' said Captain Curtain. 'Are they gonna die or what. I'm in a rush, its nearly teatime.' With that, and by magic, the Lord came down from heaven, and destroyed the Chuckle Brothers pronouncing them more evil than Daphne and Celeste. Oh, and Cheggers popped his clogs too.

With God on their side, they were invincible. Suddenly, the neon sign went out, and there was a loud bang. Carpet Boy turned round, and saw his buddy, Captain Curtain covered in blood on the floor. There had been an explosion.

Would Captain Curtain recover?

Would the good guys defeat those evil rascalians?

Would the Rock regain his title?

Would anyone care?

Stay tuned.

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