BRIANCAM

For those of you who can't remember, this is Brian Feltham, and his 'Five Pound a shot, but only 8p in the mess,' Double Gin and Hooch. Brian doesn't have Internet access, but if he did, he'd probably want his own weekly column in ObstaB's world. So here it is. It's:THE INCREDIBLE FIFTH EVER BRIANCAM

Dearest friends, well, it has been a while. According to young Thomas, the lord of this here internet site, it has been some nine months since I spoke to you last. Well, I must confess, I have been rather busy since last Easter. There has been terrible bother with the estate. Mother and Father took the decision to open the grounds during the summer months, to raise some extra funds for the restoration of the Colonel Felching Memorial Statue. However, some disgusting rapscallions, privately I believe them to be Northern, deliberately went out of bounds and into our more private quarters. My Great Uncle Wilfred Feltham was bathing, and the intrusion of these toerags caused him to rise from the bath, and to attack one of the intruders. However, his associate's camera caught the whole incident on film. I'm sure you're aware of the alleged 'Felching Sex Scandal' that resulted from that photograph of my great uncle naked with a twelve year old boy, and as a result, flash photography has been banned from our grounds.

The Christmas period came, and was particularly enjoyable. We held a triumphant feast in the Main Hall, which the entire family was present at. Unfortunately, we had to dispose of some �32,000 worth of food, but you'll be pleased to know that the free-loading peasants that were loitering by our waste disposal containers were unsuccessful in their attempts to collect our scraps. Papa bought me a lovely present for Christmas; Papua New Guinea. Apparently I am their new king, which is simply delightful.

I shall finish this little discussion by giving you my five new year's resolutions. I hope you enjoy them.

1) Attempt to become more cultural by learning a new language. Gee-or-dee.

2) Help out those who are worse off than myself. The Farquar-Blythes down the lane have but �4.6 million! Not even billionaires. We have to be there for them.

3) I am particularly keen to start courting, as I need to help find a new heir for the estate. After researching, I have discovered that beyond my brother and I, is a sickening young man whose name escapes me, from the North. I have no idea where this is, or who this boy might be, nor am I willing to further research. I have already discovered that he is a spotty oik with a fat neck, and I will never let the good family name be taken by this boy.

4) I would like to get involved in sports. Particularly the common man's game, football. So I shall buy the Premiership.

5) Finally, I am to offer my celebrity to those unfunny social outcasts Thomas and Neil, as a guest upon their new wireless show. Little do they know that it shall merely be my means to exercise my strong racist beliefs.

Anyway, with that note, I bid thee fairwell, and I shall speak to you all soon.

Until my next installment,

Tally-ho, pip pip and all that.

.

To return to the common North, click here.