TELL ME HOW

Earl Ashby said he liked to imbibe occasionally. Actually, he�d drink any time he could get it and drank anything from good whiskey to eight per-cent alcohol vanilla.  If he wasn�t careful to keep his mouth shut after he shaved he might even drink his after shave lotion.

   Mr. Ashby had a friend from Presque Isle that came to visit him quite often. Mr. Ashby told us one night his friend gave up drinking...from a glass...the day he discover he could drink faster by using a big funnel or drinking directly from the bottle.

    As it happened one beautiful fall day Mr. Ashby and his friend were higher than a kite at ten o�clock in the morning. They were holding on to each other and staggering down the road that led past the local graveyard. One was singing at the top of his voice in drunken tenor and the other one was trying to harmonize to words and a tune that he didn�t even know.

    There was a huge crowd of about ten people standing around an open grave, and tears were flowing in such abundance the ground around the casket was all muddy. Mr. Ashby stopped his singing because he was curious about the person that was being buried. He slowly staggered over to the grave site just as the minister said, �Today we are burying one of the most beloved men in our county. He was a good man and a politician.�

    Mr. Ashby sobered slightly at that remark and hurried back to his drunken friend.

    �Howard,� he said, �you�ve got to explain something to me.�

    "I will if I can, Earl, but you're twice as smart as me and only half as drunk. What do you want to know?"

    Mr. Ashby shook his head and said to his drunken friend, �The pastor just said they were burying a good man and a politician.�

    �I can see how that can happen, Earl,� Howard said almost falling on his face.

    �Then explain it to me,� Earl said �how in the world did they get two men in that casket?�

I remember one Sunday when Earl staggered by the local church just as people were leaving. For some reason, known only to her, an elderly lady walked up to Earl and said, "Young man you're a disgrace to this town. Do you know that I never drink a drop?"

   "Gosh, lady," Earl slurred, "I got you beat there. Did you know I never drop a drink?"