I have watched the relationships of wedded couples around me all my life. For years I had the good fortune of getting a close look listening to numerous married couples while I was working for a �Stress Relief� center that lent a helping hand to people under mental distress by way of empathetic listening. I have heard what most wives think about their husbands and what most husbands think about their wives. Some of them seem to be indeed close to their spouses while others unfortunately live totally isolated lives despite living under the same roof.
Since I knew that bachelor-hood is a short-lived dream for most of us; and I would one day be joining the rusty ranks of �married� martyrs, I kept probing on to find out means and ways of attaining the best possible hassle-free relationship (dream on..) when I would get married.
Well, honestly, there is no magic mantra for marriages that work. However, there certainly are ways to improve the proximity levels of wedded couples.
Before we delve deeper into the mystery called marriage, we will first try to come up with an understanding on the dynamics of marriage i.e. the strengths and the weakness, the opportunities and the threats. Unless we know what marriage is all about, we cannot really improve its performance level, can we. There are many, but here are a few points I have listed for our reference.
The Strengths:
The solid benefit that can be derived out of marriage is indeed multi-dimensional impacting our Tun�Mun�Dhun (meaning: our body, heart and bank account). Being social animals, we always look for & long for someone to share our happiness and sorrows with as we proceed with our lives on earth.
The family members that we grow up with move on in search of their own livelihood and life. The amount of interaction and association gets limited with them while the bonds do remain strong. But we do always need a partner who is simply there for us all the time and it�s a spouse who fills the need and provides that healthy presence. As we know that with time the need for companionship grows manifold and with age normally the bonding with a long-standing partner reaches comfort zones.
The Weaknesses:
The weakness in a marriage is the problem and the possibility of two �headstrong� individuals - unwilling to see the other�s point of view � accidentally getting together by way of matrimony and regretting it for a lifetime. Life for both would then be a disaster.
Mostly, we get to see cases where either of the spouse is not mature enough to understand the requirements of their relationship and is not willing to compromise and cater to the adjustments of married life. Then marriage would be a huge set-back to the other spouse who can never make the marriage work on his/her own. It always needs both the couple to make a marriage run smoothly.
The other major lacunae in most of our marriages is the little time and effort that is spent �bonding� with the mate. We tend to take marriage as an automatic deliverer of a heavenly relationship which comes �ready-made�. Well, like they say, marriages are made in heaven but the relationship has to be worked out on earth.
The Opportunities:
The vital opportunity that a marriage presents is the one where two individuals can grow and hone themselves into better human beings in the encouraging and enveloping comfort of their relationship.
Marriage allows us an opportunity to fine-tune our approach to others; develop our communication skills; and become more caring and responsible towards life and those around us.
Marriage provides our life an aim, an anchor and a focal point for us to concentrate on and work at.
The Threats:
The main threat to marriage is the superficial desire of all human beings to be free and single. This one desire makes those who are already married feel that perhaps his/her marriage happened too soon and it was all a mistake. And those who are in the right age for getting married delay it in the fear of shackling up their so-called freedom in the process.
Also many marriages become a torture for one or both of the spouses because of allowing of too much of outside influence or interference in the relationship from those around us.
Another factor that erodes the institution of marriage is our �familiarity-breeds-contempt� nature. We tend to take a partner for granted with time and then the problems start popping up.
Following are some suggestions that would help us achieve greater understanding and higher level of marital bliss.:
I - Understanding the importance of Communication Channels
The most crucial input in the survival and sustenance of a marriage is the willingness on the part of both parties concerned to open up and strengthen the channels of communications between them.
No marriage can ever prosper and succeed in the absence of proper and timely communication. It is essential to start working on �setting up� our communication apparatus the minute we get married (if not earlier); and then we need to continue to build upon this advantage all through our lives. Otherwise, we definitely would feel the pinch, especially when we are in disagreement with each other on any common issue that might come up (it certainly will, believe me !).
II � Understanding the need to accept the spouse without any prejudice.
We see so many marriages going down the drain as one of the two (mostly the husband) expects subordination or tries to �mold� the other as per his/her liking. That�s the grossest of errors one can commit in a marriage.
We need to first accept the reality that we cannot �enforce� changes in personality in others. This because, if we look at our own selves with whom we spend an entire lifetime. We do find it difficult if not impossible to reshape our own personality. So how can we smugly attempt to mold another�s personality. We may �break� the other person in the process but we cannot �change� them (unless the desire for change comes from within themselves).
Therefore, the need to fully accept the spouse with his/her bag & baggage and faults & follies is the first requirement towards leading a happy married life. And this cannot happen, unless, we learn to accept our selves as we are unconditionally. That would also prove to be our first move towards maturity and wisdom.
Those who take notice, find how relaxing and uplifting it is to be fully accepted by others for what we actually are instead of what we strain to appear as. Same goes for our spouse.
In fact, this approach may initiate a positive change in our spouses and they may attempt to please us by absorbing qualities that we like.
III � Understanding the need to spend quality time together
Most of us might have a lot of love for our spouses, but few would go out of their way to express it. Not only by words but by our actions; by taking time out for our spouses. That means, that communication by words alone is not enough, the same needs to be followed by action and deeds. All this generates the very important glue that initiates bonding ( or bondage by consent !) which is the crux of a strong relationship. Bonding is one that takes our marriage-boat safely through �rough weather� without coming apart at the seems during those critical times.
IV - Understanding the need to avoid (like the plague) the evil of double standards, cheating, dishonesty and all such temptations.
Like they say: as you sow, so shall you reap; we need to be constantly on the look out for the weed of negativity from creeping into our relationship which if not attended to right away can spoil the entire greenery of our married life. Devastating lives of the married couple and dependents (children, etc.) in the ordeal.
We need to work unendingly on avoiding double standards, cheating and dishonesty from tearing at the fabric of our relationships. Otherwise, we end up mentally and emotionally torn, tattered and repentant for the rest of our lives.
In conclusion:
Upon review of all relationships: from parents; to brothers & sisters; to children; we find that the spouse is the only one who remains with us and next to us and is equally affected and benefited by all that we experience through to the end of our lives.
Given above were some basic approaches towards bettering our relationships. But if you take proper notice, you will see that each one of them is preceded by the word �understanding�. The core or the key word of all relationships that work is always �understanding� between the parties concerned. Both: lack of understanding and a blind rush will flush our relationships down the drain.
I very well know there are always more factors that make for success in marriage. But if we concentrate upon the above cited basic issues, we will definitely have a great relationship going for us and a powerful ally (our spouse) will be on our side as we enjoy the thrill of a roller-coaster ride provided by the ups and downs of life.
This write-up is dedicated to the love of my life: MY wife - Farah.