Nervous and Weird

You know I want to be the way you want me to,
Big hearted and tall enough to cover you,
I would break in half if you said it out loud,
Splinter out of myself just like mercury ....

Xander stood in the graveyard--rocking back and forth. He didn't want to be here; in fact he wanted nothing more than to leave. Forget he'd ever come here. He half started to walk away then stopped. He shook his head slowly; going back to his apartment wouldn't make it stop. No all it would do is remind him about everything the vampire had ever said or done for him.

He hadn't meant to be cruel but he had been. And he knew it. And couldn't help it. The look of hope - of understanding - of things he wasn't sure he'd ever known in those blue eyes always made him feel like....

I can't be the way he want's me to. Too much has happened.

But an overwhelming urge to apologize haunted him since their last conversation. Sometimes he wished... he wished it'd been Spike. Cause even if he hadn't saved him, he was almost certain being dead would have been better than what had been. But like his ma said if wishes were horses beggars would ride.

Gods why does it have to be him.

He hated seeing the vampire. There was no escape from the knowledge in that steady gaze. Knowledge of a not so distant past. A past he'd barely escaped; one he'd only escaped because of the blonde. One that despite all he'd feared had never become public knowledge.

Enough. You'll apologize and leave. That's all there is to it. No conversation, no tense silences. Just say it and leave.

Steeling himself he reached for the door.

"Not off savin' the world tonight, pet?"

Startled he couldn't stop the screech that slipped out. "Gods... can't you make noise when you walk? Get a fuckin' bell or something."

Spike smirked at the irritated mortal. He loved the fire in his eyes.

Fuckin' bastard didn't get all of it.

Spike bit back a snarl then turned to shove open the door of crypt. "Comin'?"

Xander backed away quickly, "No just wanted to say I was sorry. So... sorry. I'll be going now."

Spike didn't say anything just watched him. Watched him with that solemn gaze. Xander dropped his eyes (he couldn't stand that look).

Spike shrugged. "Why be sorry, Pet? You said what you meant. It's me own fault if it wasn't what I wanted to hear."

He didn't know what to say to that simple statement. So he didn't say anything just stared at the ground. Wanting to leave but not wanting to.

Can't even make a simple choice. When did everything get so hard.

Spike watched him. Not really upset at least not anymore.

Least the whelp cared enough to say something... more than the prick ever did for 'im.

He was better now than how he used to be. Not as jumpy, no more constant flinching from even the slightest movement.

Ok yeah 'e jumped but so would I if some git snuck up on me in a graveyard.

"Look, pet. It's ok you can toddle away now. You've fulfilled your obligation. Done your bit for charity and all." Spike turned away but froze at the hesitant words.

"Say again pet. "

Xander cleared his throat looking up at the blonde then away. "I said... if you didn't have any plans for New year's you could come over. But you don't have to... I understand if you've got other plans... and...."

Spike grinned. "None a'tall pet. It'll be you an me. 'ey I'll even bring the JD."

I think it's better now than how it used to be
You were lying in bed and I would levitate
I think it's better here, than where we used to be ....

Xander nodded then turned walking away quickly.

Did you just do what I think you did? Invited Spike over tomorrow. Check. That's it. Through with you. Fucking disaster waiting to happen. Couldn't you just do what I told you? You'll never learn. Shut up, just shut up! Yeah, he knows but he's always known and he hasn't said shit. I owe him and if I'm still afraid even now... Then what I did meant fuck all... I refuse to let that be it.

I think I'm better now than how I used to be,
Always nervous and weird, scared most of the time,
I think it's better now than how it used to be,
Always up in the night afraid to live in the day,
Afraid of being afraid Afraid to live in the day,
Afraid of being afraid ....

He stared around the apartment. He was still amazed that he'd gotten it. He'd been worried about keeping it but his new job was working out better than he'd expected. He wondered what Spike would think of it.

Ahh right on time. Hello fear. Nice to see you again guilt. Nope we're not gonna do this. No.

Just as the panic started to build, he heard the knock.

Spike blinked staring at the agitated boy. Who looked like he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He hoped he'd get inside before he could change his mind. "Eager to see me, luv?"

Shaking his head, Xander stepped back. "Come in Spike."

"Nice, pet. It's got a 'ole just starting out feel. Roomy too in case you wanted to 'ave a couple of yer mates over," said Spike moving through the apartment. When he spotted the bags of blood in the fridge he grinned.

Human too. Wonder w'ere 'e nicked 'im from.

Spike turned back to Xander - who was still standing in the doorway. "Gonna stand 'ere all night? Or we gonna watch some telly. Personally I'm all for the telly. Mine's busted. Got used to watchin' that stupid ball drop. Dru always liked it said it was like a star coming down or some rot."

"Umm... television. Yes, that's good. I'll just..." Xander stopped at the amused smirk from Spike. He hated that smirk.

You hate the way it makes you feel. Didn't I say... Just stating a fact.

"Look, fangless. You're not a guest so if you want it on then turn it on," he said moving into the kitchen. He'd decided not to order out. He hadn't cooked in year's, not after...

Let's not think about that, shall we....

"If I'm not a guest want am I, luv?"

Xander looked up from his inspection of the fridge. Spike frowned at the suddenly deadly serious look on his mortal's face. "A... a potential friend... if this works."

If he hadn't been a vampire the rush of pleasure at those words would have turned him red. "Well then, pet. Let's make sure this works then. Cause I'm sick and tired of living all alone."

Now I sit alone when you're not around,
I read aloud just to hear a friendly voice,
I see your scary dolls they always look at me,
From the corner of my eyes I see them shake their heads,
You know I want to be the way you me to,
Big hearted and tall enough to cover you ....

He eased out of the huge bed slipping past the sleeping vampire. He bit back a groan as his muscles screamed. The pain from the earlier beating catching him unaware. Still he made no noise. He'd gotten really good at that in the last few months. He hoped he'd have time to recover from the last beating before the next one. He doubted though. Not when he was leaving after Angelus had told him to stay.

But he'd promised Buffy he'd help her patrol. To look for Angelus. He snorted softly then stopped praying the vampire hadn't heard him. He flinched seeing the open eyes. Sighing inwardly when he realized they were only Dru's dolls. Moving quickly, he made his way past the few minions still in the mansion. Pausing in the courtyard he slid on his shoes.

"So off to save the world. 'ey, pet?"

Startled Xander whirled around, barely repressing the girly squeal that tried to escape. Thrown off balance he started to fall. Strong hands caught his wrists, pulling him upright. "Spike," he hissed trying to pull away from the vampire's hold, "what the hell are you doing out here... and walking."

Spike didn't answer. Ignoring the struggling boy, he dragged Xander away from the mansion. He fought the entire way cursing the blonde the entire time. Growling, he shoved the boy onto the bench just outside the cemetery. When Xander tried to get up he held him down.

"You are going to listen to me, Pet. Whether you like it or not. I tried to do this without force. You get 'nough of that from him, " he spat. Xander stilled staring up into the furious blue eyes. Spike had never hurt him unlike Angelus. He didn't really think he would. He'd seen him with Drusilla. Sometimes he wished... Angelus would be like that with him.

"Look, Spike I know..." Spike cut him off, sliding his hand over his open mouth.

"You don't know, Pet. Or you wouldn't be 'ere. Listen to me... I'm not 'aving that bastard ruining me unlife or yours. 'e wants to bring 'ell on earth. Psychotic bastard," he snarled.

"Personally, I think it's a effin' stupid idea. I mean there goes our food supply and we get shot down to the bottom of the food chain. I don't plan on lettin' that 'appen. I suggest you don't be around when everything goes down."

When it looked like Xander was going to protest, Spike shushed him. "You can do better than 'im." Shaking his head; the vampire ignored the little voice that cried *me*. "You're going to have to. Unless you want yer little slayer dead."

"He won't hurt her. He promised me," whispered Xander looking anywhere but at the vampire.

"Yeah, like 'e promised not to 'urt you again." Reaching out he grasped the boy's chin. "You're going to have to make a choice. Them or Angelus."

Letting go the vampire backed away slowly. "Fuck, pet. You deserve better. Open your eyes. Don't stay with no one that's gonna make you cry."

Xander watched the vampire disappear into the night.

"You know I want to be the way you want me to. I wish I could go out just to be alive in the day... to be alive in the day," he whispered.

Spike could feel the boy's eyes on him. He hadn't meant to remind him of that night. He hadn't realized he'd repeated that same phrase verbatim. Not until Xander had stared at him with that familiar look of pain. But he hadn't said anything instead he'd went back to preparing dinner.

After a few awkward moments, he'd simply turned away. But hearing him moving around in the kitchen made the vampire curious. So leaving the idiot box blaring he'd gone to have a look. And was surprised to see the boy making something that looked a hell of a lot more than simply edible.

"When'd you learn 'ow to cook, Xanluv?" he said peering into the stir-fry. He snatched out a pea-pod before Xander could catch him.

"Learned a long time ago. Just got out of the habit. Angelus didn't like.." he stopped turning back to his cutting. Spike sighed; he hadn't wanted to get into talking about his bastard of a sire. But if they stopped every time it touched that topic they'd never finish a conversation.

"So the prick didn't like you cookin'. Why not?"

Xander glanced up briefly, "I made dinner for Giles once was staying over to avoid my parents." Turning away he tossed the meat into the pan before going on.

"Told Angelus I couldn't come over that night, didn't tell him I was cooking for another man, " he spat. "At least that's how he saw it. I couldn't grip anything for a couple a weeks, after he sliced open my palms. You remember. Anyway that was the last time I cooked anything," he paused looking over at Spike. "Till now."

Spike smiled. Not the smirk or the snarky grin. Not the 'I'm-about-to-wreck-bloody-mayhem-and-havoc' smile. No, this was the smile he'd seen him give his dark princess sometimes. One that made him more than beautiful, made him ethereal. He'd never seen anything more... magnificent.

And that's why you're doing this. Gods you never learn. Spike's not Angelus. No but he's still a soulless bas... Don't he's better than Angelus with or without the soul.

Spike could almost see the battle going on behind his mortal's eyes.

Don’t want him backtracking. Not now.

"So, luv. When do we eat?"

Now they were sitting there silent in front of the television. Watching Dick Clark. Xander sat only inches from him. That fact made the vampire grin. Especially since they'd started out on opposite ends of the couch. He knew when the boy had turned to watch him.

"You were right, then. Every day stressed out in every kind of way... sick inside and tired of my life. I really was sick and tired of living all alone."

Spike stared at his Xanpet then said quietly, "I think its better now than 'ow it used to be. I think its better 'ere than were we used to be."

Xander nodded reaching out slowly to catch Spike's hand in his. Silently they turned back to the tv and watched the ball drop.

"5... 4... 3... 2... 1..."

"Happy New year, Xanluv."

"Happy new year, Spikey."

fin

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Shadith...