Loser Makes Good

I hate waking up it means that I have to die again tonight
35 years old and I'm still sleeping outside
Yeah, I think I know your face
I don't wanna to know your name
I won't give in, I'm not like that
I won't give in...

"You stupid cunt. You could at least try fucking cleaning around here."

He can hear the sound of a door being slammed.

"You prick. Your drunk ass wouldn't notice if it was clean anyway."

Xander rolled over slowly clutching the pillow to his head. The screams coming from the floor above him banishing even the possibility of sleep. He thought about yelling but didn't relish having to actually speak to either one of the drunken pair. Glancing wearily over at the alarm he shuddered. It was already twelve and he'd only gotten three hours of sleep.

Between closing the bar, helping Buffy out with the patrols, his parents and Anya he was overbooked. He sighed then prayed to whoever looked out for losers like him.

Just shut them up for the next three hours. Gods.... anyone....

Soon there was the familiar sound of flesh striking flesh. The sound of glass shattering, rang through the house. Then silence. Xander closed his eyes.

Please let one of them have killed the other one. Or each other.

His eye's flew open when the silence continued.

If anyone actually answered that prayer, I'll be your servant for life.

Xander sat up slowly; the lack of noise making him nervous. He started to climb out of bed when a faint noise caught his attention. He concentrated trying to decipher the muted noises. Xander's lips curled in distaste. The sounds suddenly clear. The harsh panting and grunts of his parent's drunken fucking. One of the three ways their fights always ended. The other two being more fighting and a trip to the hospital or more fighting and a trip to jail.

"Ugggh. Harder."

He shuddered hearing the slap of skin against skin.

"You like that don't you. My little whore."

Xander dropped back down pulling the pillow over his head with a disgusted groan. At least they'd pass out sometime soon.

You say it's Christmas Eve that don't mean nothing to me
Just another fucked up day just another waste of time
You wonder why I live like this, man, you just won't understand
I won't give in I'm not like that
Yeah, I won't give in...

Xander slowly wiped down the bar as the frat boys ordered another round. Finals and winter break. Made the college boys descend in hordes. Which meant he had to be at the bar even longer. Closing time extended till three, so no official overtime. And despite the incident with the beer nothing changed (other than Jack giving him the really shitty hours and work).

He couldn't decide which was worse. The humiliation of being a loser or having everyone know you were a loser. Probably a combination of both. Having the college kids, talk down to him didn't help matters either. Xander sighed softly at least he still had Anya.

The ex-vengeance demon really didn't seem to mind sleeping over in the basement. In fact she was often home waiting for him. He actually found her demands for sex and her tactlessness endearing. He shook his head slowly.

Goes to show you'll accept anything if your in love.

For an instant an vague memory tried to surface. Floating up from the dark abyss hidden in his mind. Shivering he forced the half formed thought away. Instead concentrating on his Christmas plans with Anya. He'd made reservations at the motel just off the freeway. They had a pretty decent holiday special. Three hours later and he was ready to snap.

If one more frat boy....

Xander stopped taking a deep breath. He could do this. There was nothing they could say that would make him lose his temper. He waved at Mark; beckoning him over.

"I'm going to take my break now. See you in an hour."

Maybe he could catch Anya at home; he'd missed her last night.

Xander walked back into the bar. He wasn't sure how he'd gotten back there. He wasn't even sure how he was still breathing. He moved in a numb stupor. When Mark handed him the register keys Xander blinked stupidly.

"Hey, Harris. You all right? You look like someone just ran over your dog," said the other bartender.

Xander shook himself roughly, before looking up. "Sorry, just got lost there a minute. I'm good. You can head out."

Mark looked at him closely then shrugged. He had plans with his girlfriend. There was no way he was staying at work. Especially not if the kid said he was fine.

Xander moved behind the bar--mechanically taking orders and pouring drinks. For the next several hours his thoughts were his own. No one cared about making conversation. Just order and pour. Which was good because he was certain if he'd tried to think beyond those simple thoughts he'd explode.

"Fuck yessssss. More."

He didn't notice the trickle of blood as he bit through his lower lip. Ignoring the new crowd of frat brothers - Xander disappeared into the back. Taking a deep breath he glanced into the mirror. He stared curiously at the vacant eyed image before him. Reaching up he wiped away the trail of blood from his lip.

"Damn. What's a hot bitch like you doing with that boy."

The tinkle of glass hitting the floor brought him back. He glanced at the broken mirror dispassionately before heading back out front. The new crowd of college students was clustered around the bar. The rowdy group almost three deep. Xander sighed then began taking orders again. He moved quickly, working his way through the large crowd.

You smart ass college fuck
Act like you think you're tough...

Caught up in his thoughts he missed the first comment.

"Look I know your a townie but you could at least try to understand our orders."

Xander looked up - a frown forming. "I'm sorry. What was that?"

"We know your sorry. That's already been established. Now listen carefully. We ordered three pitchers of beer. One Red dog. Two Forests."

I was just like you
More pride than you could know
Think you pity me...

Xander bit back a reply. He simply refilled the pitchers, returning them to the taller man. He watched as the blonde and two others headed for a table in the back. Hoping that would be the end. But already knowing it won't.

I'll kick your ass if you pity me
I won't give in
I'm not like that
No, I won't give in to you
Just go away...

Xander watched the clock. He seriously watched it. Watched as the seconds became minutes, the minutes quarters, the quarters half-hours then finally hours. When the clock struck 1:45 am he congratulated himself on his restraint.

"O.K. fellas closing time. Time for all good little boys and girls to go to bed."

"We're not ready to leave," said the blonde who'd insulted him earlier.

"Look guys. Let's not do this last call was half an hour ago. You've had plenty to drink. So why don't you just head home."

The blonde shook his head. "See I don't think so. I think our time should be extended because of your earlier idiocy. What do you think fellows?" The dark-haired one nodded as the other blonde grinned.

"Ready, bitch?" "Not ready, harder."

"You know what I'm not having this shit. Two choices. Walk out or be carried out."

You college boy act
like you think you're tough...

The blonde grinned again, as he and the other two circled Xander. "Let's see you try."

They never knew what hit them. One minute he was standing still eyeing the three of them. The next he'd sent the blonde flying across the room as the brunette lay curled on his side clutching his balls. The steel toed work books having worked like a charm. The other blonde sat clutching his bleeding wrist, from where Xander had cut him with a broken bottle.

It was easy to escort them out. Xander stared at the mess. Thought about the vague chance he'd still have the job tomorrow then walked to the bar. Snatching up three bottles of Jack Daniel's he turned and left.

Xander sat staring at the bottle of JD in his hand.

Alone on the night before Christmas. He snorted softly. Night before, wait... Christmas day, get it right.

His grin was hard, bitter.

When wasn't he alone? A small dark part of his mind whispered to him.

Coming from the place where he hid the things he never wanted to think about. He remembered a name for it. He'd read it somewhere in a Stephen King novel. It took him a moment but he remembered.

The 'dead zone'. Why won't everything just stay there. Why does it have to crawl back out.

Snarling he jerked open the bottle. One time drunk does not me my parents make.

He paused going over the last thought.

That didn't quite make sense. Either way one binge, isn't going to make me into them.

He titled the bottle hissing as the liquid burned his throat. He lowered the bottle slowly then straightened. He could feel someone out there. "If you're going to kill me be quick about it or let me finish my drink."

Spike stepped out of the shadows; watching as the boy snorted then took another hissing swallow. " 'ell pet. You keep that up and you'll do all the work for me."

Xander ignored the vampire concentrating on the bottle in his hand. He still had two more to go. Spike sighed settling on the bench next to the whelp. "Heard about the 'ole getting split thing pet. Nice to see your back in one piece."

Xander glared at the vampire grunting a reply. Using the opportunity presented Spike slid closer. "What was that, luv?"

"Said relatively speaking." They sat in silence.

Spike eyed Xander as he fiddled with the bottle in his hands. He'd only worked through a fourth of it in the two hours since the vampire had discovered him. Spike reached out snagging the bottle from Xander's dangling hands. "Ah, pet. You don't really wanna climb in there do you?"

Xander stared at the vampire then opened another bottle. He only managed a sip before Spike snagged it as well. Taking his third bottle Xander stood backing away from his undead AA partner. This time he managed to get several good shots down. Still, he got that one too. Before the Xander could protest Spike tossed all three bottles into the night. Xander stared open mouthed at the insane vampire.

"FUCK!"

Pushing past Spike, he was unprepared when the vampire struck; knocking them both off balance. Cursing Xander crawled away from the wiggling vampire. "Spike why won't you leave me the fuck alone?"

The vampire sat up to look at the boy crouched beside him. "Tell you what, luv. You tell me why you turned down the apartment and wot's got you out 'ere acting like demon bait. And I'll tell you why I keep bothering you."

"Probably cause you got nothing better to do," muttered Xander before getting up to sit on the bench again.

Spike grinned then shot up to sit next to him. "Out wit it, mate."

"Ugggh. Harder." Harsh grunts filling the air. "Looks like I got a new whore."

"Anya," he spat.

"Anya, what?"

"Went home on break today. Caught Anya fucking my father," he said quietly. Suddenly he was to exhausted to even care. "Should have known.... No one really wants me."

The vampire's eyes turned gold as he tried to find a suitable reply. Something besides ripping the demon bitch's heart out, for Xander to burn. "Not true," he hissed, unable to completely block the rage.

"Tell me another one. I guess it's a good thing I didn't get the apartment anyway. I mean who was I kidding. I'm right where I belong. The very definition of suburban white trash. And this night just gets more depressing."

Xander stood - no longer looking at the vampire. Missing the longing look that flickered briefly in the blue gaze.

"So yer just going to roll over and take it up the arse. You don't 'ave to stay down just cause they expect ya to. Plus payback's a bitch. Nothin' better than rubbin' a prick's face in yer shit."

I won't give in
I'm not like that
No, I won't give in

Xander glanced over at the grinning vampire. "Maybe. It would feel good to get my own place. Show them."

"So wot's keeping ya, Pet. Git yer own. Then tell the demon bitch and yer da to take a flyin' fuck."

Xander couldn't help but grin at Spike's enthusiasm. The vampire had always made him laugh. "So, tell me why I've got my own personal pest."

Spike shrugged looking slightly uncomfortable. "Thought since we both seem to be on the outer fringes of the scoobies - we could be allies - potential friends."

Xander wouldn't have laughed even if the vampire hadn't looked so serious.

"Much too late for that Spikey."

Xander shook his head sadly.

"Don't worry about me. I won't worry about you. I don't wanna be friends. I'm OK. Just leave me alone," he said quietly, backing away slowly. "Too much. I can't."

"I'm sorry," he said turning away. "Much too late..."

Spike watched the mortal boy he loved walk away. The same words causing the same amount of pain they had the first time he'd heard them.

Don't worry about me. I won't worry about you. I don't wanna be friends. I'm OK. Just leave me alone.

Fucking right, pet. Like that 'elps.

fin

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Shadith...