And I Said

Of all the things I believed in, I just wanna get it over with.

He's gone. Some emergency over the weekend. Never thought this would happen. Forty-eight hours. It's time.

Tears from behind my eyes, but I do not cry. Can't let my days pass me by. I've been searching deep down in my soul. The words that I'm hearing are starting to get old. It feels like I'm starting all over again, the last three years were just pretend.

It doesn't seem right that three years could be wiped out in a day. But I've packed my things--cleared out of the penthouse. It's like I never existed here. I know if we were at the mansion it'd be worse. As the silence echoes, I'm mind-numbingly grateful we decided not to live there.

Too many memories, too much everything. I spent hours walking through the empty rooms. They seemed to cry out. Like it hurt to be so bare. I don't expect him to stay here after I've gone but I leave the keys--in case.

No more tears since I decided it was time to say good-bye. I've done too much crying the last three years--even if no one knows but me. I can't keep waiting for him to change. At first I thought.... I don't know what I thought. Soul-searching is for masochists. Pulling up every lie - every false smile - every secret. Three years of playing make believe.

It wasn't even a conscious decision to leave. Years of giving him the benefit of the doubt... of going against Dad's wishes. Hearing how I was foolish to want someone like him... to give myself to him so completely. Deluding myself into believing he'd see what it was doing to me - to us. How he was tearing me apart with every sugar-coated lie uttered.

But it was my fault as much as his--so greedy for him. Like a child deprived of sweets let lose in a candy store. I devoured them. Gorged myself on each falsehood, hoping in vain the next would not come. Eagerly swallowing it--like poisoned candy.

Sticky sweet, deadly.

I won't swallow it this time. I know where he's gone, know what he's doing. How he thought he could keep hiding this from me makes me wonder if he ever really knew me. Did he see only what he wanted to see? Or what my father saw-- the willfully blind man-child. These thoughts aren't new. They've been there--lurking beneath the surface. Almost from the beginning but I ignored them. Ignored them until they clawed their way into the light.

Both lost and alone in the crowds. Fool to let him in after keeping everyone else out. Alone again and it's worse than before. But it's nothing new and it'll pass.

Everything does if you just wait long enough.

And I said goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that I knew. You were the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold on to.

It's finished but I can't bring myself to leave yet. Broody, is what Chloe's called me. Hate it but she's right. Every moment, every time we made love, every touch, every caress is parading itself through my brain. Making it nearly impossible to leave.

And I can't help stalling. Though Chloe's downstairs waiting for me. Surprise that. Despite everything we'd become friends. I guess misery loves company. Fortunately, she's not going to be one of those going, 'I told you so'. No, not when I'll be hearing it from Dad for the rest of my life.

I don't want to go. I can't go. I've never loved anyone like him. Tried everything to keep him. Changed so much, half the time I don't recognize myself anymore. And I never cared not when it meant having him. Now, I just want this done.

I used to get lost in your eyes and it seems that I can't live a day without you. Closing my eyes and you'll chase my thoughts away. To a place were I am blinded by the light, but it's not right.

I've waited too long. I can hear him coming now. I know it's him and no one else. I'd know that tread anywhere. Don't want to see him. Everything will just fade away again. Reasons disappear. My will vanishes when he looks at me. Close my eyes as he wraps himself around me.

Let that bright, sly smile blind me like it has since the beginning. Like his lies, his secrets, his love... Driving away every bit of sanity I ever claimed to have. Just remembering it. And I feel myself falling into his spell. He hasn't even come through the door yet. I don't have to do this. I don't have to live without him. I can say it was a mistake. I can... No!

No, I won't do this again. This ends now.

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want whats yours and I want what's mine. I want you, but I'm not giving in this time.

God, he's so beautiful. From the moment I first saw him, he was all I ever wanted. I'd have given up everything I was to have him. In some ways I did and it's killing me. Secrets and lies. I want him and the truth. He flashes that grin at me. It's a hard fight to repress the reflexive shudder.

Maybe if it wasn't so obvious.... No one else can tell. Everyone believes the lies he tells. But I see... every prevarication - every invention - every evasion. I want him to tell me. And yet I don't want to him to. I want all of him. Not the parts he thinks I can handle. Or what he wants to give me but everything... and nothing.

"Lex?"

I don't know what to say. I didn't think this far ahead. How to tell him that it's not him but it is? That if just once he'd come to me honestly. That even now if he told me.... I'd forgive him. But if he doesn't know then I can't tell him.

"Clark."

He knows something's wrong. Moving closer, he crowds me. I fight the instinctive need to wrap myself around him. When I make no move to touch him--he shifts uneasily. For a moment I watch the rapid change of expressions--from guilt to pleading. It's hard but I move away. He moves to follow but I can't let him. If he touches me....

"No."

Worry has crowded out everything else. It makes his eyes darken. I have to finish this.

"Wha--?"

"Where were you?"

"I told you. The conference--"

"Bullshit. For the last time. Where. Were. You?"

His silence is damning. For both of us.

And when the stars fall I will lie awake, you're my shooting star.

Even now I can't hate him. Though he stands before me and lies to my face. I will hide this away like everything else. But at night when the sky blazes with stars.... I'll remember I loved. Chloe's waiting. It's time.

"I love you. Good-bye, Clark."

fin

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