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Notes: Unbeta'd
Winter of Despair
"Where are the rest of SG-1?"
General Hammond's shock and relief had given way to wary concern, his question ringing over and over in Daniel's head, echoing in the small room as he lurched forward again, expelling little more than oesophagus-stripping bile into the porcelain commode looming at eye level.
'Where are they, General? Oh, probably floating around in orbit in a million pieces--if there's anything left at all.' Daniel choked on another round of retching and his throat tightened around rising sobs that threatened to overwhelm him. This went way beyond any kind of survivor's guilt--aboard Klorel's ship, Daniel had convinced Jack he was as good as dead. Hell, he'd been convinced. In the heat of that horrifying moment, Daniel had convinced his friend to go against his judgment, had subsequently sent that friend to his death, while Daniel, bad timing, dumb luck and all, had squeaked out of danger looking completely unscathed. His teammates would hate him--Daniel hated himself. Why had he thought he'd known better in a battle situation than Jack, Teal'c or Sam? If Jack had thought there'd been hope to get him off the ship, if he'd thought there'd been time, time that Daniel had wasted by arguing with him...
Jamming himself back against the door of the infirmary's small bathroom--effectively adding weight to the engaged lock shutting him off from the outside world--Daniel ignored the knocks and concerned coaxing from Doctor Fraiser outside. He pulled his glasses off his nose and ran his hands over his face, carelessly wiping away sweat, tears and bile with a shaky breath.
Jack, Sam, Teal'c...all dead now; his best friends, going to their deaths thinking he'd met his own in a corridor alone on some Goa'uld transport. Daniel knew his friends--his family. They'd have accepted their own deaths bravely, just as Jack believed Daniel had.
'Bravely.'
Daniel scoffed quietly. If Jack had only known how terrified he'd been on that ship...being tossed back like a ragdoll by the staff blast, feeling the cold of encroaching death creep inexorably from his ruined chest to his extremities, numbing his body, freezing his mind into a blank slate of pure terror. The fleeting warmth of Jack's palm on his cheek, realizing that the last look he would ever see on his friend's face would be that one of helplessness, grief, self-loathing...
Daniel moaned in distress and scrambled for the toilet again. Nothing came up this time, but his body spasmed in painful dry heaves. No, he tried to convince himself, there'd been no time. Jack had tried pulling him up, probably to haul Daniel over his shoulder if necessary, but Daniel had seen the terrible futility of Jack's defiance and had allowed his weight to fall backwards, limp. He wouldn't have done anything more than slow them down, hastened their deaths when there was still a chance that Apophis' ship could be stopped. If Jack had had to haul him along, they'd never have made it, and Earth would have suffered the same fate as it did in the alternate reality.
"I'm not leaving you here, Daniel!"
Tears sprang to Daniel's eyes, the sterile white bathroom blurring into one indecipherable haze. When Daniel had returned to Earth after his time spent with Nem, Jack, Sam and Teal'c had reluctantly shared what had been done to them, explaining how their memories had been falsified, leading them to believe Daniel had been killed. They'd felt so guilty, Daniel knew, though he didn't blame them. There'd been nothing they could have done--Nem's attack had been so sudden, unexpected. Even so, Jack had sworn, Sam and Teal'c backing him up every step of the way, that they'd never leave Daniel behind again.
That helpless look he'd seen on Jack's face--he'd put it there. He'd been the one to force Jack to break his promise; a promise Jack no doubt took very seriously. Daniel had seen it himself with Jack's refusal to let him stay behind on Heliopolis.
It had seemed like a good idea at the time, just as sending his friends on without him this time had seemed like a good idea...but now, Daniel would give anything to be able to take it back.
"Daniel, please--I'll break this door down if you don't come out! You're in shock; you need to rest!"
He wasn't in shock. He was shaking because he'd condemned his friends. He was cold because they were haunting him, their ghosts having taken up residence at his side, where they'd remain for the rest of his miserable life. His head was foggy because only a few days earlier, he'd found his way to a nightmare on the other side of a stupid mirror and nothing had been clear since.
But Daniel, polite to a fault, didn't want Fraiser to have to get a new door for the bathroom, and didn't relish the idea of making anymore of a scene than he already had, so he flushed the toilet, got unsteadily to his feet and rinsed his mouth, and fumbled with the lock for what seemed like hours before it released.
Janet appeared in front of him, her eyes wide with worry, two nurses flanking her. Daniel let his eyes slide away from her, the world out of focus. His glasses were still on the floor of the bathroom, but he left them. It was fitting, somehow--if he didn't have to see the world clearly, he could stay in the private hell he'd created and deserved, ignoring any looks of concern and unpleasantness baying at the door.
Numb, he moved where Janet guided him. He didn't feel the cushioning mattress beneath his body, or the prick in his hand. He dropped into unconsciousness without a fight, praying the guilt didn't follow him down.
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"Daniel? Doctor Jackson, can you wake up for me, please?"
The tortured expressions of his friends in their dying moments--the one he remembered on Jack, the ones he contrived for Sam and Teal'c--evaporated, and Daniel reached out desperately, so many apologies sticking in his throat as he floated toward the sound of Janet's voice. "What?" he asked emotionlessly, not even bothering to open his eyes.
"Ah, there you are. I've been trying to wake you, but you sleep like a log. You'll want to get up."
"I seriously doubt that."
Though sympathetic, Doctor Frasier's voice held a certain restrained happiness, and Daniel cracked an eyelid to peer at her reproachfully; the one who dared to bring their perverse joy into the Hell he'd created. "They're alive," Janet whispered. "They're coming home; they're alive."
"No..." Daniel could barely get the word out. It was impossible. But no, Fraiser was nodding, her eyes filling for him.
"Endeavor picked them up two hours ago," she told him, a grin fighting its way onto her face. "They'll be here in a few more hours."
Her smile widened as Daniel's eyes did the same, and he felt a warmth on his cheeks as he turned his face into the antiseptic-smelling pillow. As a gentle hand squeezed his shoulder, Daniel wondered where those horrible choking noises were coming from.
They were alive. Against all odds, they were coming home. Safe. Alive.
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"SG-1, there's someone who'd like to see you."
'Understatement,' Daniel thought, stomach doing vaults as he edged through the assembled crowd of airmen and SFs and got a clear view of his family. He was exposed, uncertain, staring only at Jack, daring to meet the other man's eyes despite the fear of what his reception would be. Sam's delighted, quiet "Daniel" gave him hope, but he couldn't tear his gaze from the man whose opinion and friendship had grown to mean so much. As Daniel hesitantly stepped forward, Jack shook his head slowly, and the pit of fear in Daniel's stomach eroded a little more, yawning and threatening to swallow him whole.
But Jack then Jack was smiling--actually smiling, broadly, and suddenly Daniel found himself engulfed in the strongest embrace he'd ever experienced. Jack's chuckle was warm in his ear as his friend tucked his face against Daniel's shoulder for a moment.
"Spacemonkey," Jack said quietly, fondly, and Daniel couldn't stop the vicelike grip he returned to his friend, or the half-sob he smothered into Jack's fatigue shirt. Jack's hand ruffled his hair, then the man cupped Daniel's face and neck, patting affectionately with that smile Daniel couldn't resist returning. "Yeah!"
Jack pulled back, but Daniel didn't have time to feel bereft, as he found himself with an armload of Sam, who kissed his cheek before allowing Daniel relative freedom. Teal'c's hand landed, warm and comforting, on his shoulder as the crowd of people in the gateroom gathered closer in celebration. As he was surrounded by these people who meant the world to him, Daniel felt the weight of some of the grief and guilt lift from his shoulders. He knew now, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he wasn't alone.
By some sympathetic higher power, he'd been given a second chance with this family he'd found, and Daniel knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that he needed these three in his corner...because if the day came when they left for good, Daniel would indeed be damned.
End
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