Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

-- 'How To Save A Life' by The Fray

---------------

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Let him know that you know best
'Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

"The nausea will be followed be tremors, convulsions and something called ataxia. Surface tissue, brain tissue and internal organs will inflame and degrade; I believe that's called necrosis. Now, based on the dose of radiation I got, all that will happen in the next ten to fifteen hours, and if I don't drown in my own fluids first, I will bleed to death, and there is no medical treatment to prevent that." Daniel forced a smile, though it didn't reach his eyes, nor did his eyes meet Jack's. Behind that calm, informed tone, Jack could hear what, maybe, no one else could--the rising fear, and the small relief that came from knowing every detail, of being able to have some control over what others heard about what was going to happen to him, and Jack couldn't help but try and add to that hope.

"Maybe not that we know of," he offered optimistically.

"Jack, we don't go running to our offworld allies every time an individual's life is at stake. And don't go telling me that this is any different, because my life is no more valuable than anybody else's."

What? How could he possibly still think that after five--almost six--years of saving lives, of making more of a difference in the Universe than any tree-hugging environmentalists could ever hope to achieve on Earth alone? Jack wanted to shake him, and scream "Yes, it does, you ignorant sonuvabitch!" right in his face, make him understand, make him see what they'd all seen ever since Daniel had joined SG-1.

"What happened?" he asked instead.

Daniel ducked his head, worrying the edge of the infirmary gown with his fingers. "It doesn't matter," he muttered dismissively, then seemed to remember he was supposed to be reassuring, and turned another smile--managing teeth this time--up at Jack.

'Oh, no you don't, Danny Boy. Not getting away with that one.' "Yes, it does," he said, making sure his tone told Daniel he didn't appreciate the joke Daniel's claim was. He could say with absolute certainty, "You didn't try to sabotage anything."

'Come on, Daniel,' he begged silently as the other man studied him appraisingly. There had been a time when, if it had come to something like this, Daniel wouldn't hesitate to give Jack the entire story, to sort everything out. It was hard to pinpoint the moment when that had stopped, but somewhere along the line, it had, and Jack hadn't even realized it. Though, he was certain, Daniel had. "There was an accident," Daniel said finally. "I guess the scientists figured the government would hold them responsible. I guess they figured it was easier to blame me."

"And you're okay with this?" Jack asked incredulously.

"No. But there's not much I can do about that."

"Yes, there is."

Daniel sighed heavily. "If they really want to blame me, denying it isn't going to change anything." His voice was pitched low, struggling to keep his tone even, but Jack gritted his teeth at the despair he heard in Daniel's voice--not for himself, not by a long shot, but for those ungrateful bastards who were trying to pin their own stupidity on Daniel's good intentions. "Ten thousand years ago," Daniel continued, "a Goa'uld tried the same experiments that they're trying and he nearly blew the entire planet to bits. I tried telling them that; they wouldn't listen. They're gonna build that bomb and nothing we say is gonna stop them." He looked away again then, glaring at the far wall as though it were the one making it so difficult to control himself, and Jack's heart ached for him.

"We're going to figure this out, Daniel," he said quietly. "I promise."

Daniel released a shaky breath. "Jack, don't bother; it's f--"

"So help me Daniel, don't say 'fine'!!" Jack erupted, thrusting one hand out as though he could hold back the word he had come to despise. "Now you listen to me. There's no one here; it's just you and me, so you tell me, and don't use that 'F' word...what are you thinking about all this?"

He held Daniel's eyes firmly, careful not to focus on the little cuts over the sides of the younger man's face where the glass had cut him when Daniel had dove through, the bandages on his hands that had come in direct contact with a radioactive bomb. Daniel's gaze held firm for a long moment, then wavered. "I'm...thinking that this is probably going to hurt like hell," he admitted softly, "and that this time...this time I'll close my eyes and there's no chance that I'll ever open them again." His voice lowered further, and he dared a glance at Jack. "And it scares me," he admitted. "It scares the hell out of me."

"Damn it, Daniel," Jack muttered. He leaned forward and, terrified that he was somehow going to hurt the other man further but unable to just sit there, carefully put both arms around him and tugged him close. To his surprise, a little whuff of a relieved exhale left Daniel, and the archaeologist's arms went tight around Jack's torso, his face pressing against Jack's shoulder. Jack automatically started a circular rubbing on Daniel's back, keeping the contact as light as possible, his head echoing with Daniel's rundown of what was going to happen very soon. "How you hangin' in down there?" he asked after a few minutes. Daniel didn't seem to be in any hurry to let go, and Jack wasn't in any hurry to let him.

Daniel shrugged minutely against the hug and shook his head slightly. "Okay," Jack said under his breath. "That's okay." He was glad he could do this, at least, for Daniel, when he hadn't been present for the younger man's instinctive, heroic actions on Kelowna. He felt both comforted and comforting at having rediscovered the closeness he and Daniel had shared for those first few years of the Stargate program, but he couldn't shake the disturbing fact that this would likely be the last time anyone would be able to get close to the younger man. That scared Jack--Daniel had never really had to deal with the 'big' issues on his own as a member of SG-1--sure, he'd tried to isolate himself, to do what had come naturally to him for so long, but Jack had made sure that either he, Carter or Teal'c were with him all the time, or all three of them at once, never leaving him alone, always leaving him with the knowledge that there was always someone around to talk to if he wanted more than silent companionship. But now...now Daniel would be bereft; because even though there would always be someone at his side, this was ultimately Daniel's pain, and none of their efforts would make it any easier to bear.

=====

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Jack was in a daze, standing off to the side, unable to make himself get any closer to the infirmary bed where Daniel was in agony, fighting for his life--a losing battle, one whose hope had brightened only a little with Jacob's arrival. The former General had his eyes closed, holding the healing device over Daniel's chest with practiced ease. Jack was worried; when Carter had tried the first time, Daniel's face had been visible so everyone witnessing the Major's attempt to help could pinpoint the moment where everything went wrong. Now, though...Daniel was disintegrating under the bandages, and there was no way to tell whether or not Jacob and Selmak's healing was doing any good at all. "His condition is grave. I do not know if I can save him. And even if I can, I do not believe I can restore his full healthy state," Selmak told the room at large, expression pained. Jack ground his teeth together--this wasn't what was supposed to happen. The Tok'ra was supposed to be the saviour, the one who would waltz in and leave with SG-1 intact, this entire experience the stuff worthy of nightmares. The only pain Daniel would have to feel would be the guilt he'd no doubt lay on his own shoulders for the loss of the four Kelownan scientists; guilt Jack himself, Carter and Teal'c would all help him through. And that was the plan. Jack normally avoided emoting, ironically whole-heartedly, but he had began planning out his apology and how he and Daniel could get things back on track, determined and desperate to do just that if the younger man would just be the Bounce-Back Kid one more time. 'Don't you do this to me now, you sonuvabitch,' he warned the archaeologist in his head.

"Do what you can," Carter's soft, pleading voice registered in his ears. 'Yes, Jacob, do whatever the hell you and your snake can do--I swear to God, I'll be its number-one fan if you can pull this off...'

The oddest sensation swept through Jack as he fastened his gaze back on the activity at the bed. There was a slight weight on his left shoulder, and then time and space seemed to flash by him all at once and he found himself in the 'gate room...face-to-face with Daniel, dressed so familiarly in the blue BDUs he favoured on base. The entire scene had a surreal, dreamlike quality to it, and for a moment Jack was concerned that he'd passed out and was hallucinating this whole thing--his subconscious registering the futility of their efforts and giving his guilt-heavy conscience a chance to redeem itself before Daniel...died. "Daniel?" he ventured. It was odd, as if out of his peripheral vision Jack could see the goings-on in the infirmary, the voices muffled, but when he turned to look more fully, it would vanish.

"Yeah." Daniel didn't look good, even here, Jack thought. His friend was clinging to composure by his fingertips, and Jack dealt with it the only way he knew how.

"Did you want something?" he asked, spreading his hands slightly in a minute shrug.

But Daniel's response shocked Jack to the core. "Yeah. Tell Jacob to stop."

Jack froze. 'Okay, mind of mine; anytime you want to make this a favourable hallucination...' "Why?" he managed to ask.

The tears in Daniel's eyes welled up, and the younger man seemed almost ashamed to answer the question. "Because...I'm ready to move on," he admitted, and Jack found himself drawn in by the resolve in the pained blue eyes he'd grown to know so well.

"You just giving up?" Jack couldn't help but snark, because by Christ, this was his hallucination and he could do whatever the hell he wanted to get the answers he needed.

"No," Daniel said immediately, soft voice firm. "No, I'm not giving up, believe me." Jack followed his gaze up the ramp, where he rested his wary gaze on the white-clad woman he'd barely registered when he'd first 'arrived'. "You remember Oma?" Daniel asked ruefully.

Jack blinked. "Sure."

"I think I can do more this way," Daniel pleaded. "It's what I want." His eyes searched Jack's, the tears just about overflowing, begging his friend to understand. "I have to go now," he said softly. "Everything's gonna be fine. Please, Jack...tell Jacob to stop."

Jack's throat closed over, and all he wanted to do was reach out and throttle Daniel for even considering leaving, for making him be the one to condemn him. But Daniel's eyes, so profoundly distressed but the sadness not quite hiding the expected excitement, the eagerness that lingered behind them, perpetually searching for the unknown, and Jack knew then and there that Daniel had, in some strange way, thought long and hard over this decision and knew exactly why--if not what--he was getting himself into. Then he found himself staring at the infirmary scene, and he whispered, "Jacob. Stop."

The older man's head whipped around to stare incredulously at Jack. "Are you serious?" he asked, almost sounding like he wanted to laugh in disbelief. 'No Jacob; no jokes, no sarcasm this time...'

"It's what he wants," Jack said, freaked by how calm his voice sounded, how soft and certain.

"Someone else want to tell me what to do?" Jacob asked the room at large, and Jack could tell he was begging someone to tell him to let him continue, to bring Daniel back as much as he possibly could.

"Just let him go," Jack said.

Reluctantly, Jacob deactivated the healing device, and after a brief moment Daniel released a heavy breath, and Jack closed his eyes as the EKG flatlined and began its shrill, hope-killing shriek, indicating the loss of one of the most precious lives Jack had ever known. "Colonel?!" Fraiser urged desperately, but Jack didn't, couldn't respond. He found himself getting a glimpse of Daniel's body beginning to glow, and then the man himself was standing in front of him again, the tears falling fast and free.

"Are you sure about this?" Jack asked Daniel softly.

Daniel nodded. "This is for the best, Jack," he said, voice thick with emotion that Jack couldn't--wouldn't--identify for fear of releasing the dam of his own. "Out there..." he gestured toward the waiting, ethereal version of the Stargate. "Out there I can help."

"Outgrown us, have you?" Jack asked, trying again for levity, offering half a smile to show Daniel he wasn't angry with him, but the younger man shook his head fiercely.

"No; never," he assured him, "but...maybe this place has outgrown me."

"You're out of your mind" screamed to be said, but Jack held his tongue, though he knew if he only said "I want you to stay" it would give Daniel pause; make him rethink the decision if he knew his friends cared. They had had their differences the past couple of years--okay, Jack conceded, he and Daniel had always had their differences, but they'd increased in frequency lately--and if Daniel was assured he was needed, that he was wanted...

But the words didn't come, and Daniel took Jack's silence for--what; understanding, or agreement, Jack didn't even have time to decide, because Daniel's eyes slid toward the waiting Stargate then returned to Jack, and he gave a little nod, forced a smile. "I'm gonna miss you guys," he said quietly.

"Yeah." Jack managed a slight smile, seeking to reassure, to promise Daniel they were all right; he didn't understand Daniel's choice yet, but he would eventually. "You too." Jack tried to put as much meaning into the words as possible, knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that Daniel would know what he wanted to say, what he'd tried to express in the infirmary. They'd always been beyond words, and Jack knew that his feelings were well known to the younger man, who returned his smile now with a measure of relief and a promise of his own.

"Thank you for everything," Daniel said heartfeltedly.

'You have absolutely nothing to thank me for,' Jack thought, but like the moment when Daniel claimed his life was no more valuable than anyone else's, the words to refute the claim caught in Jack's chest, unspoken but clearly understood.

"So, what?" he asked lightly. "See you around?"

Daniel's eyes widened briefly, and Jack realized that, once again, the younger man had let his eagerness run away with him. "I don't know," Daniel said, sounding amused and bewildered all at once. He looked to the glowing whiteness Oma had become in the ring of the 'gate and began walking toward it, offering Jack another smile.

"Hey," Jack called, fondly and oddly amused. "Where are you going?"

"I don't know."

And then the small smile on Jack's face was sincere and real, because this wasn't a hallucination. Daniel was real, his uncertainties and his doubts were real. As his friend passed through the event horizon, taking one last look over his shoulder, Jack found himself back in the infirmary, watching the glowing essence his friend had become float slowly up to the ceiling and pass through it. Daniel was in his Peaceful Explorer Mode; jumping feet-first into something he knew absolutely nothing about...and Jack knew he'd love every minute of it.

Daniel was gone, but he would always be right there, with them every step of the way, sharing their discoveries and making many more of his own--ones that Jack hoped, someday, he'd get to hear about.

=====

*Fin*