ohcop

Oh cop. I am so sorry for this long read. I have Asperger's high functioning autism.

Unfortunately 'over-used' equals 'under-responded' to in some cases. Them are the breaks kid.
I'm telling you this because your 'threatened my life' comment stirred something in me. And I 'have to" respond or I will always regret not. My signature explains it. It means getting a knowledge to somewhere who needs it and never to somewhere who don't.

I need to tell you about autism. it's not what you think.

I'm an autistic female. I 'look' like everyone else. Unfortunately, I look better and it causes people to make up stories about what I am about.
Things I could never think about doing. Things I am already very much against. Things that disgust me. But I can't speak. I 'can' speak-but not like other people. I can't defend myself-not like other people. And I can not ask for help-not like other people. I am not like other people-my brain is wired differently. It is not wired through drugs-and drugs will not fix the wiring. But it is wired in a way that people think drugs are involved-when I hate drugs. But people like me would not know to tell you this-it seems obvious. We look away from you. It is not because we are hiding. We were told to not stare. Staring is rude. We see your reactions to the things we say and take this as confirmation that we deserve what you have concluded. We do not know how to argue with you. We would never try. You are the police.

Its why I trusted you to tell you-whatever it was we found our way to you for. We do not feel pain like other people. We do not feel emotion like other people. We do not understand the forms of communication like other people. We stare where we should not and we look away when we should hold gaze. We do not know the system for this. We only know 'it is rude to stare' and 'it is smart to watch one's surroundings'. Our clothes may be scuzzy. We probably found a shirt that 'felt' good and we don't know how to shop...like other people--stores confuse us. We may have been kept hidden from view for a reason. We don't know what it is. We're autistic-not stupid. We are not like our male counter part who may temper tantrum harmlessly, but emotionally. We withdraw in and become puzzled by the problem. We learn how to act from you at point of contact. Sometimes this means we feel worthless for awhile. We hang our heads. And we watch our feet so we don't trip. You would take some of our cues as confirmation of dishonesty. I see this too--and withdraw futher, the puzzle compounded by another factor too big to understand. This is meaningless to us in the report. You will take it or you will leave it. Sadly, because of the misunderstanding of our nature-it gets left-alot. The next call that much harder to make. Our voice may be monotone or timid choppy loud or uneven when we speak to you of importance. It is because 1. We don't feel feelings belong in conversation and 2 We're requesting a busy man or woman's time while not knowing if we HAVE a right to do so. We only know things like "We have a right to remain silent'-whatever that means-only that no where does it say 'We have a right--to speak'.

There may be another quality to our voices. A slight quality. For some...it sounds drunk-like or hobo like. For others it is indicitive of foriegn origin or upbringing. It is a behavoral 'sign' of autism. Behavor signs are the only way without disclosure a police person is able to 'identify' us. That's what the experts say anyways. Personally, I just thought you were all psychic and that I lived outside the protection of the code. Our voices sound stange, even to us--We don't know how to regulate it. But it is not because we are uneducated or chosen stupid. Our iq is likely in the top 10 percent of the world-in my case, 4, according to Westernized testing. that is why my autism is called 'high-functioning"
that is why wheras I have the capacity of a scientist I work for minimum wage-bewildered by the social processes around me.

I'm so happy to find out I'm not alone-but scared by the fact too.
autistics are 7 times more likely to have contact with the police.
We do things that don't look right to others:. eye contact and a shifty gait. distraction caused by floreustent lighting or other visual stimuli. When we are distracted visually-say by a pretty metal badge glinting in the shadow-our head skips. You may note this by the 'stupid' look on our face.-something resembling...not understanding?
We may laugh when we are nervous-- and smile at inappropriate times, such as when you respond to our call-'smiling makes people comfortable' and since you are the guest-you should be made to feel comfortable-regaurdless of the circumstance. You may say something cynical. We take things quite literally. Our brain activity is spent trying to figure out all of the things we don't understand-the things other people take for granted-we don't have time to learn to lie-we are too busy trying to learn to live. For instance-and I'm by no way an authority--except by experience. I've been raped about 6 times by the way. But for instance, a peek: Does the phrase "If any of these things happen, TALK to an officer" sound familiar? It does indeed. What every child in public school has at least recieved SOME information on. I fit one of those bills. I gathered the courage, walked right up, and TALKED to an officer. If he had known what I thought he would say he may have said "what are you reporting or do you have information on a crime or has something that we have told you shouldn't have happened-happened to you?"
but instead, he said something more to the effect of 'hey there kiddo-have a nice day'
....(do what the officer tells you)--ok..........
none of this wiring changes from child-hood to adult-hood. We learn tricks. With ALOT of information we can learn how to scrape at understanding the things you do (called NT or neuralogical typical).-and thus the things we didn't do.
but there's more road blocks than you can imagine.

See if you can spot us-if you would. It is very hard on our sensitive souls who are already victimized maybe more than any other group, (the criminal's 'gaydar') when in addition, we are 'pegged' or 'classifyed' by the behavior system of eye contact, whereabouts, non conformity. Or when we recieve 'slightly' perceptible clues that our voice-our telling-our story-our 'following the rules' has been taken as being something other than what it is. Because...well, we've already looked at it from every angle, most likely--in advance of calling you. We've checked the action for holes for any sign of non objectiveness. And solemly-we do report. Only because we are supposed to. Not because we are looking for gain or deception. We don't know that so many ...we don't understand that ends justify means so often in the community---is the reason we recieve the strange feedback that we do. We ARE suspicious. At least, that's what the experts say.

I never understood it until I understood that I am autistic.
I am able to understand that It-the complete incompatiblity between autistic spectrum communication and neurologically typical communication exists-but I am not able to fathom why one is more correct than the other outside from 'minority'

The good news for me is that now that I know what I am or more importantly what the rest of the world is that even though I cannot speak on behalf of myself, a disability specialist can speak on behalf of me.
The sad news is--that others like me never got that opportunity or have gone undiagnosed and have not yet made that last stand to understand.

I know I know--now everyones and autistic--right?
No. But someone YOU know probably is. Maybe that lady for instance.

I just wanted to remind you that in a world where EVERYONE'S seeking attention there are actually those who shy away from it--as a rule of basic instint self preservation. And though we know the fact of the opposition and what you have to contend with with it, knowing that doesn't help us one bit. We will still die because an officer had a bad day or bad judgement in front of us. I won't- but another might. And that those people are 7 times more likely to have run ins (not infractions. not charges. not citations.--run ins) with the police. See, were always trying to have the answers and we KNOW you have the answers--we just don't know there is a whole complicated plethora of what we are not supposed to ask or what we are supposed to ask or what we are to say to communicate what we know is a crime, what we know should be reported, ect. so.... likely we reach the point to where we are actually almost killed--so we can say without any regrets to you--"he tried to kill me"

language:
He: the person
Tried: did not succeed
Kill: end the life of
Me:

To kill takes knowledge-skill-intention: an assumed given

For a person who can barely stutter a sentence, and is busier applying court rules on others in advance.well.--

When we say so and so did kill or so and so 'tried' to kill--we've already got the data and are just waiting for processing--whatever that is. Something to do with calling the police and 'they take it from there'

but because we behave so odd about the matter--well.

Just something to ponder. I dont ever want to see another person go through what I did--and do..
I know it's impossible-One skank bitch looks like another--how do you tell?

The good news is.
We don't hold a grudge. Even when it kills us.
We've loved you cops from the beginning--because well, we eat up all good things that we are taught--and no matter how many of you have fucked up with us- we cant, like society, blanket statement an organization of individuals-as we ourselves are individuals and KNOW damn well what THAT'S all about. But we pray for remedy. I know I know-ANOTHER minority group to learn the idocincracies of. We are interesting!

And were not trying to date you. Chances are... you've got an autistic GOOOOGLING your car, your badge, your gun, the FUNTIONALITY of everything. The artwork in motion. We can stare at a wall for 3 hours--but We can stare at a cop car--ALL DAY LONG. And we look away when they think you are watching cause we are simple creatures who don't want you uncomfortable or distracted.
Never forget that you are welcome in town by a entire population of people who will never let you know it-because by the very way we are learning to behave we may think that this itself would be in bad behavior....we don't fucking know if a smile is graft or a wave an indicator of trying to hide something-so we grit our teeth and refrain from the compulsion, knowing only that kids can do it and old geezers can do it, but everything between just simply is misunderstood.
We're no different inside at age 5 than we are at age 25 than we are at age 65. Whatever you normal people go through just skips on over us. It's a bit painful being treated differently because my body grew.

And we wouldn't even ask "what is the proper behavior" for fear of it putting you in danger by reinforcing information sharing that we wouldn't want actual shifty people to get a hold of (get away with). We've seen too much of that already. So I'm stumped. But I'm supposed to tell my department I'm autistic anyways. Because there is a whole series of reccomended things when dealing with an autistic. At arrest. I hope at information gathering as well.

But you probably already know this.

We can't seek justice against those who harm us. We are simply-unable to fathom the complexities past--tell the officer. And when our behaviors register as unfortunately the worst population out there-we don't know that is why it stops with the officer. We don't understand officer to report to proscecutor. Or even 911 to officer to report to procecutor to judge. It just doesn't work that way.
And if we could-we'd rather the behavior just stop or modify off our 'gaydar' in the case of the police
And that the perp get the judge in the case of the assailant.

Everything in between--nachos.

I am telling you because it WILL help you help another like me. Trust me. My brain fires where it ought not and not where it ought. Which has resulted in some interesting talent....for things I'll never understand well enough to explain. But that's another story.
I won't bore a stranger with.

take care!
May your journey be safe and your day sweet with the mystery of life's joys-you and yours.

A foriegn, immigrant adoption, formerly exploited, jewish justice student-who happens to be as well-autistic- in any walk of life.

It's not what they think you think-it's what you think.

'Autism-It's not what you think'-
One's Own Earring To One's Dear Friend-forieighn proverb.

letter to the editor in response to a cycnicism I read within a non cycnical persons diary.-saving the world one sentence at a time...
so there IS no editor-who cares. The message got to the one it was intended for.