| My joys do not consist of 'yeah! I got a promotion, set up my 401k and invested in (insert strange words here)' but of "Yeah! While really overwhelmed with the form I gotta fill out, I reconfigured my violin and played E F# G# A and A B C and D!!!!!! Filling out a form results in doing everything (resulting in nothing) that has nothing to do with filling out the form and nothing I had intended to do....because I dont understand the form. I don't understand MOST forms. I dont finish the distractions either because I am too worried about filling out the form. Eventually, shortly before deadline, the form will get filled out forgetting all the really important stuff that is trapped in my thoughts relating to the specifics of the form but gone (or worse added too) before I can write it to paper or pc. -06 In fact-in order to fill out the form I have to fill out about 12 of them for the 12 different major senarios I come in contact with--and that's just off the top of my head. And that's not really even taking into account the questions I dont understand the 'words' of on the form. Because.,..there is no one answer; but, the QUESTION (I'm assuming thats the point) CAN BE answered--only this way. Now that. That is Aspergers., -------------- In transit to Autistic Blabbering_these_are_thoughts_on_their_way_to_thoughts_and_do_not_necessarily reflect current or future views of the speaker_page. (because I am stupid girl working a concept to a sentence-that's why) So back to the violin which I am playing horribly both right and left handed. hmmm--a little excentric huh. What's bizarre is that if I dont 'try' to play--I make wonderful music. People think I've mastered these things--and them I'm like... "ok--can you show me how to read music and time and make 'actual' notes...." maybe they are thinking I am joking or trying to show them up. Which makes it hurt that much more....SO i can make 'real' music as well. fit in somewhere. entertain my family and friends--ect. have 'something' to do that both calms my mind and is acceptable to the 'rest' in all those millons of awkward moments-that 'define' me when I "have to" be around you. No one is 'really" comfortable when I just sit against a wall and stare off into space--only me. I didn't know people were so undifferent. As long as your following the law couldn't you 'be' who you 'are'--I didn't realize someone minding their own business could be so disrubtive by being undisrubtive. boggles my mind--really. And I'm not emotionless-really. I just pause my emotion to take care of business. The 2 switches dont work at the same time. I try to incorporate emotion-to show happy or sad or scared--but I obviously dont do this right either. the only one I leave alone is true humor--if something is funny I laugh. whats funny to me may not be funny to you because the context is in the past--usually a revelation inspired by current context that pieces something elsewhere together for me. The only one I have no control over is frustration. And that is so rare and only when I'm sooooooooooooo close to understanding that if I dont I will just IMPLODE. And that's really so different from everyone else? I eat with silverware--really--but after so much grief I eat with my hands too--I mean a girls gotta say fuck it when the odds are unreasonable. I know hygene better than most you. I can neither cry nor scream in context with regular people--but I yell when injured (back off) and cry--on occassion-when I've read something that finally makes sense. It seems to be the one moment when people need me NOT TO cry. When I read others are just like me and that we are so rare----it is very strange. But I treat the ones I see that remind me of myself and the ones who don't the same. sortof. I dont like being around people who dont accept me. There is no treasure worth that. and changing "appearances" is a never ending battle-so why bother? I wonder what I 'look like' to others. I get all this bunk feedback. For instance-90 percent of the men (just in passing-work-bus-what the fuck I do look to see what was there a threat a car a body did my eyes cross you???? wtf) I meet behave as if Im a floosy--and yet, my sex interests are QUITE reserved. 90 of the men I 'turn down' REFUSE the no. And havent' a clue what their thinking or what makes them so. (general work population)-EXCEPT @ SEA. this is just a lot of blabbing-I havent even finished the thought, in the telling, I've forgotten. Litteraly. IF Patty can show me the framework that normal people 'communicate and make their way' in--than that would be the same as the music teacher showing me the notes and time--Literally. when the grocery lady asks... what is the correct response. ie. Autism: It's not what you think. Sure--its a lot of pretending--just like waitressing-yet it is the symptom of our existence. some more than others--me-overpoweringly. |
| APRIL |
| April showers bring spring flowers. |