"Sarah, the reason you're so skinny is because you're so busy stressing!
AP Bio! AP Chem! AP Bio! AP Chem! -- Look, I just burned 1000 calories!"
"But Matt is something you ignore!"
Samantha Luk

"I want a lobotomy for my birthday."
Becky Best

"Ok, now you die..."
"It was a dead white man who invented calculus... it killed him."
Mrs. Chesick

"You all know that I’m better than god!" (Greg’s ass was promptly whooped by both of his brothers during the next round of Mario Kart)
"Eject button? What eject button? There’s no eject button!" (in ref to the SNES)
Greg Berlin

"Have you ever gotten your head stuck in the garbage disposal?"
"Boiling water is not easy… it means I have to wash the pot!"
"When I get my own place, I’m going to get a trough, so I don’t have to wash dishes."
Huntley Woolston

"I don't want to go kayaking tomorrow. I've done it before, it's going to be uphill both ways!"
Chris Dru

"Blue (from Blues Clues) is one manly looking bitch!"
"I don’t know about you, but I have a naked quiggle."
"I hate guster. NO! WAIT! I DIDN’T SAY THAT!!!!"
"It’s vinegar. You use it to… vineg stuff."
"Black -- the anti-white"
"Humans are destined to fuck things up."
"I’m going to get run over by a parked car."
"Why do I suddenly have random thoughts of an octopus floating around in my head?"
"What’s he running for – vice nerd?" (in ref to The Wall running for board)
"The cloth thingee on the ceiling looks pregnant"
"The tree is having a seizure"
"Em, you’re hungry. You just don’t know it yet."
Me. Sadly.

"Horo… Horsd… Hrosd… Oh! Horseradish!"
"All I want is a nice tall glass of I never want to do this again!!!"
David Berlin

"Who am i going to marry? Maybe I'll marry my foot."
Sarah Herold

"That’s so not right… it’s left."
"Isn’t it like kittens?"
"I was just thinking about how NFTY has changed me, and I realized that all it’s done is: I’m more willing to talk to guys about sex!"
"I don’t want to be an octopus with numbers!"
"That’s, like, hebrew!"
"I think my new career should be a soccer whore. I could follow soccer teams and sell my body!"
"That’s the stupidest thing we’ve ever done. Well, not really."
"I’m thinking. And it hurts."
"I like boats."
"Ya don’t burn sticks, you shave ‘em!"
"I suddenly feel the need for a crucifix."
"Everyone needs more cowbells. That’s what’s wrong with the world."
"It would suck to be a horse."
"If I end up being reincarnated, and I come back as a crab -- please, step on me."
"Maybe if Heather doesn't say anything she'll talk more quietly."
Em

"Time for some drugs!"
"Wait -- did you just say 'I want to leak in my pants all year'?"
Jeannie

"I have accomplished the highest level of wisdom… now screw you up a goat ass!"
Walter

"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."
Arthur Dent

"A french fry takes a potato and makes it not a vegetable anymore."

Dad

But not all quotes work by their lonesome. For those, you need the entire conversation to figure out why they're funny.

Marissa: You have a bug up your ass.
Sam: Yes, and it's the size of my dog.

Cheese: What do we use to measure time:
AK: A map.

AZ: But I'm not wearing a shirt under it... (her sweatshirt)
Cheese: She's wearing a pornographic shirt under it!

Hunt:Did April O’Neil have to go to the bathroom in the sewer?
Me: No, she went above ground to the A Plus.

Tom: Marissa, I feel like you're cheating on me with other girls.
Me: I am. (twink!)

Karl: I'm not gay!
Me: ::ponders:: well, you've got two options.
A), You could hook up with Saf. Or B), you could not hook up with Christophe!

Me: Are the geese dead?
Em: But they're walking.
Me: Maybe they're zombies…

Em: We're so pathetic
Me: When did you realize that?
Em: Ummmmmm… Now?

Drew: She's flatter then you.
Me: What?!
Drew: She's flatter then you. It means that you have a bigger chest then her. It's a good thing.
(please note that this was said during Friday night services, while Drew and I were sitting in the front row, roght in front of the girl, her parents, and the rabbi.)

Bobroff: There's urine on your car.
Josh: If you pee on my car, I'll rip your penis off and hand it back to you in a jar.

Dave Davis: so, what do you want on your pizza?
Slattery: The blood of young gentiles!