I was not very open as a child, always keeping to myself whatever was in my mind. I developed a thought that kept on growing that it was me that was the trouble, something was wrong with me...
So I discovered that if I kept myself from food, then I got admired and got attention. The felt sorry for me, was concerned, which at the time I could not understand. But no matter in what form I got the attention, I thrived in it. At the same time I hated myself for drawing this light to me. I don�t deserved to be looked at all. Why did people bother?
A desire to be perfect began, the perfect citizen, perfect daughter, classmate, the highest scores on tests. When I failed I beat myself up for hours. What in the world did I do wrong?
This feeling of not being enough, nothing was ever good, I could never messure up with the rules in my head, but still I went on, driven forward by a force that somewhere beyond that corner lies my perfection, just waiting for me to come.
What I didn�t knew then was that this corner always changed places... Once I had found that first corner, where I did not find anything, I was certain that the next corner up a head will hold my perfection...
Endless walking, sore feet and silent tears...
I didn�t worry about danger when I took my walks in the middle of the night... I kept on walking around the city, once, twice.... Wasn�t there another way to walk here???
I was happy when I got the energies, calories out of the system.
When I was forced to eat, cause the couldn�t stand by and just let me fade away so they needed to get me some help... It was all well intended and I love them for trying, but I had a trick which I am amazed by myself and I will not tell it here since it can spread any badly ideas... I always worked around the help I got so I got it to my advantage... The desire to eat nothing still stood firmly inprinted in my heart.
Lots of hard moments surrounded my upbringing, many disapointments, broken tears flowed over my pillow in the night.
I swore that I will never be hurt again, so I stopped to care, inside I stopped existing...
Lady Bulimia came into my life, with promise that I could eat as much as I wanted and still have the control to get rid of it...
But I realized that I had to give her a farwell and walk a more healthy way and ever since I made my decision of being totally alive, everything seems so much easier now...
Demons can be faught, they can be overcomed by you if you in your heart want that extra freedom it gives, when you can do what you want, make healthy decisions about your life. Enjoying massage for example, feel totally relaxed with someone else...
I promise roses for you, but truly life is both thorns and beautiful roses with crystal clear waterdrops.
