The Dirt by NYRSkate (Issue 6 Feb 10 2002)

THE DIRT

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Issue 6/February 10, 2002 (Click here for archived issues)
by NYRSkate ([email protected])

Welcome to THE DIRT, the official Modemsports newsletter. For almost two years, and spanning the course of three editions of EA Sports' legendary NHL series, Modemsports has been here to bring you nothing but the finest in Internet competition, with players from all over the United States and Canada (and a few from Europe and even one from Russia, as well). With thirteen seasons in the books, we are dedicated to being...

Yada, yada, yada. Here's what you really want: the DIRT.

In this issue:

Season In Review
Playoff dark horses
Rule changes for Season 14

1. Season 13 is over, get on with your life

Today marks the end of another season, my first full season with NHL 2002, and the league's thirteenth overall. We've seen lots of good games, some not-so-good games, a lot of defense, some nice passing, some bitching, some lame-ass folks who just will not stop harassing the poor owners of the league, lots of sportsmanship and just a little ego. Just a little. God, if I ever see so many guys beating their chests in one place again, I'll think I'm at a Tarzan impersonators convention.

Anyhow... In lieu of my normal awards I will present my season-ending awards here. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch your head.

Best Offense: Lurker
89 games, 492 goals, good for a 5.53 goals-per-game average. I've played Lurker three times, and from my experiences he has the best attacking offense in the game, and in order to score goals in this defense-friendly league, you definitely have to put pressure on your opponent. My first-ever game here he whipped me 7-0, and just because he was shut out once this season, his offense is no worse the wear for it.
Honorable Mention: PuckMozart, Jericho584, Sinder (sorry man, I'm not typing your name like that 3 issues in a row...live with it.)

Best Defense: burlap69b
Every single goal I've ever gotten against burlap I've earned. He is one of the few guys that I have trouble moving the puck against, and I'm sure that many of you have had similar experiences. He's allowed 1.68 goals per game, far from best in the league, but a lot of his games are against high-octane offensive attacks, so he's fought the best and emerged victorious more often than not.
Honorable Mention: nhlmaniac69, PeopleUnite, KC_Jones (you happy now, you shlup?)

Best Sportsmanship: FeelTheLove
It takes a lot of class to continue playing games in the face of adversity, like our friend FeelTheLove has all season. In winning just 7 of 110 games, Love has always been gentlemanly and looks forward to his next game, unlike a select few guys here who bitch upon every opportunity to do so, even if they win a game by a tremendous margin. In an age where good sportsmanship is usually put on the back burner, it's refreshing to see guys here for the love of the game.
Honorable Mention: MaxPower, Islesfan, blackngold

Most physical player: SHHockey22
Shhh... hockey is a newcomer to the league, but he's made his presence felt early, racking up multiple-100+ hit games. He rattled me for 68 and 62 in two games, which against the highly agile Ranger offense is hard to do. He hits hard and often, which is not to say that his defense is impenetrable, which it's not. But, given the choice between a stick check and a big hit, it's all about the X button, baby.
Honorable Mention: DerekR, Altrain, Sabres1Carlo

Player most likely to be lynched: Chris_Cameron
For those of you that haven't heard yet, Chris is promoting his "use deflections only 2-3 times per game" offense. In a league where scoring a goal is the hardest thing to do against a top-flight defense, and where top players have all but eliminated the deflection from play because of its nearly 100% success rate when used correctly, it's the opinion of this reporter that Chris' strategy will be changing shortly, if he is to become a respected member of the league. Either that, or play more "deceiving" 10-1 games.
Honorable Mention: Mega Man X (not so much now as before), poutine69pat, NYIsles79

Player most likely to play to a tie: Undertaker9999
Undertaker's offense isn't overwhelming, and yet his defense is just good enough to keep him in games. If there were ever a player that you could tie, he's the one. Guys that have more ties (such as Islesfan, Woody, and MaxPower) I feel play below their potential at times, causing them to miss opportunities for wins, and settle for ties. But that's just my opinion, and you guys can rip me a new one if you don't feel the same.
Honorable Mention: burlap69b, Woody, DerekR

Player most likely to piss you off: PeopleUnite
In a landslide. PeopleUnite always seems to do the one thing you don't expect... he passes at the right moment, he hooks you from behind with what seems like a 15-foot-long stick, he somehow retains possession of the puck after skating through two waves of your defense, he takes impossible shots that go in, and most of all, he's so nice about it all. That just pisses me off.
Honorable Mention: PuckMozart, Lurker, eat_my_cookies

Best overseas player: SWE_FOPPA
Foppa brings a well-balanced game, and has an excellent understanding of not only the English language, but the NHL brand of hockey, which can be radically different from the European style. I barely defeated him by a 2-1 margin, and with a record of 34-10-1, he's the best non-North American we have here.
Honorable Mention: Cheesy, Devilfan35, FredCrawshaw

Player most likely to get in a bar fight: NYIsles79
NYIsles79 is rabid about his favorite team, the New York Islanders. He's the guy in a bar full of Ranger fans that gets up and cheers after the Islanders have just scored to cut a 6-0 Ranger lead to 6-1 with a minute to go in the third. His good-natured ribbing just makes you want to smash a beer bottle over his head, doesn't it?
Honorable Mention: LindenFan2002, DerekR, fishsticks7927 (10 years to go for you, son)

Player with the best username: freakyflow
He gets his panties in a bunch when you say anything about his name, but really, if something as insignificant as a username gets people talking about you, then it must be good.
Honorable Mention: eat_my_cookies, Gesus Khrist, hayahayahay

That's it. Look for more next season.

2. The playoffs are coming! The playoffs are coming!

The official Season 13 playoff schedule is as follows:

Round 1: Monday, February 11 to Friday, February 15
Round 2: Saturday, February 16 to Saturday, February 22
Round 3: Sunday, February 23 to Wednesday, March 5
Quarterfinals: Thursday, March 4 to End of Season 14
Semifinals: Start of Season 15 to End of Season 16
Finals: Start of Season 17 to Whenever We Can Find Someone To Host For AlexTanguayLW40
Playoff champion to be posted on awards page: When hell freezes over.

I exaggerate a bit for dramatic effect. I say these playoffs should be played at a brisk rate, and seeing that there are more people than ever who are enthusiastic about playing their games, getting through the postseason in time for next season's shouldn't be that difficult. You all know that guys like SakicRod, IAMCanadian, and PeopleUnite will be in the race for champion, in part because their combined average of 7,951 games played has ensured them of a first-round bye. But how about the other guys? Here are a few players to look out for in this season's playoffs:

Mega Man X (Rank 14, 80-56-7, 1.87 PPG)
Our little friend has been playing games like there's no tomorrow, and as a result has moved himself, to the surprise of everyone, into a first-round bye. He's obviously been playing much better, but I've yet to hear of a single good or overpowering facet of his game. That said, though, he's improved drastically, and those who underestimate him are sure to be left scratching their heads after playing him.
NYRThrust (Rank 15, 63-41-2, 2.42)
Thrust likes to challenge himself with the toughest competition out there, and his battle-hardened game is sure to beat out some guys who try to finesse their way around him. He's one of many guys that can keep a game close, and in the playoffs all you need is a slight crack in your defenses to see the entire dam come down.
PremiumModem (Rank 23, 64-24-5, 2.00)
Premium has played games at almost as high a pace as IAMCanadian since his arrival here, and it's scary to think where he would be if he had played here for the full season. Surely by the time you read this he will have jumped a few more places in the standings, and with a game that gets better as he keeps playing, those long series in the final rounds of the postseason could be his for the taking.
liljdogg6969 (Rank 26, 54-46-10, 1.60)
He can surprise you early in a game, if for the only reason that people's eyes are spinning for about five minutes after they've tried to read his username and figure out just what it means. Seriously, though, many of his 54 wins have come over high-quality players, and he's sure to be very competitive in what looks like the most talented playoff field in history.
leafster (Rank 29, 68-56-15, 1.16)
His goals for and goals against are, literally, nearly identical. He's scored just one more goal than he's given up (276-275) and he competes well in just about every game he plays. In the playoffs, the best team doesn't always win, because it's how you play on any given day that determines the winner. On any given day, leafster can beat any player here.
opy (Rank 39, 45-94-12, 0.66)
Opy's statistics all say that he will fail in the first or second rounds. However, he's shown an ability to pull out big games, as shown by his two tournament wins this season. He's one guy definitely not to overlook in your quest to (eventually) become champion.
LindenFan2002 (Rank 51, 20-13-2, 1.89)
Lindenfan has made a late run to jump into playoff positioning (due to the ouster, if you will, of a few high-ranked players) and his resourceful style will be put to test in early-round games against high-ranked opponents. If there's anyone that can pull off the upset, Linden is the guy.
EAWizard (Rank 58, 16-15-3, 1.61)
It's his league, dammit, and he'll be in the playoffs if he wants to. Just kidding, of course. His "I can beat anyone, anytime, anywhere" demeanor will do nothing but help his case as he battles far superior NHL 2002 players in the postseason, internet connection pending.

When it comes down to it, those who advance to the later rounds will have quite a tough task ahead of them. The pressure will be on to finish their games before the release of NHL 2003. Can they do it? Only time will tell.

3. Change Is Good

For the upcoming season (Season 14) a number of new rules and changes of existing rules will be in effect. We've taken the liberty of listing them for you here.

From the official Modemsports rulebook, version XIV (Random House, $10 cdn)

You will get points for a tie only in the event that: a) you play a player no less than one hundred ranks above you, b) you use Tampa Bay and Vincent LeCavalier gets injured within the first ten (10) minutes of the game, or c) your league name is FeelTheLove or MaxPower.
In games that have a 0-0 score after regulation time has ended, players are to pull their goalies for the overtime period. If no goals have been scored by the end of the overtime period, the player that missed the net the most times during the course of the game will receive one-half (0.5) points for their effort. Also, both players reserve the right to be laughed at for a period of no less than seven (7) days by anyone who should encounter them.
Puck friction shall be set to its maximum level in any arena whose geographical location is below 38 degrees north latitude. Pucks should not be zipping across the ice when there are people in bathing suits in the stands.
Team Poland may now be used as a tier-5 team, but only if you play while holding the controller or keyboard upside down.
In the event that a player leads a game by seven (7) or more goals, the opposing team reserves the right to quit the game and bitch about how cheap said player is in chat. The losing player gives that right up if he can't play defense worth a damn.
In any game involving a team from Florida (Panthers, Lightning) a moment of silence will be observed in honor of how stupid you were for taking that team.
In any game involving NYIsles79 the opposing player reserves the right to use no less than five (5) minutes arguing with him about whatever it is he wants to argue about on that day, however of those five minutes no less than two (2) of them must be random hammering on the keyboard (e.g. QJKEQWGBKVQEJKGVKQEIGQEKGQEKGQWEGK)
If a goal is scored either in the first fifteen (15) or last thirty (30) seconds of a period, or at any point in the five-minute overtime period, the player who had the goal scored on him reserves the right to pause the game, and say a) "Fuck me" or b) "What the fuck was that!"
Any player who gives up at least ten (10) goals in a game, or is outshot by a margin of greater than forty (40) shots, gives up his right to say "gg" after the game.
Any player with a ranking of (3) that is trailing after one period to a player ranked (1) reserves the right to complain that excessive lag is causing the game to run differently than he's used to, and that the game shall be replayed at a later date.
Players that use Atlanta or Columbus will forever be enshrined in the Modemsports Hall of Idiots.
Any games which take place between the hours of 2:00 AM and 6:00 AM Eastern Standard Time must be prefaced by no fewer than three (3) tokes on either a joint, hash pipe, or bong. If you are in the Toronto area, the pipe's length must be no less than 1.88 meters (74 inches) in length, and may or may not include a breathing device.

That's all folks... another season in the books. It was fun, to say the least. Let's hope that the upcoming season brings more of a community feel to this league. It's more fun when you can joke with a guy before you bash his brains in.

This issue's question: Why aren't I doing Issue 7 next week?

Don't email me at [email protected] with your answers. I'll answer you right here.

I'm taking a week off. Six editions of The Dirt, and suffice to say I'm a bit burned out. Therefore, I'm going to recharge for a week, play a little hockey, maybe get some fresh air, and I'll see you on February 24 with Issue 7. Enjoy the playoffs. However long they may last.

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