Stigmatized
            by Nymph Du Pave

            CHAPTER SEVEN:
            The Truth...

            Everything had gone so very poorly.  He'd said things that he shouldn't have.

            Not in a million fucking years, Kent.  What the fuck was wrong with you?

            He still wanted to protect Lex, wanted to take away all the pain and then…  He'd caused some.  He'd been the reason for the death in Lex's eyes.  He couldn't live with that.  Not now, not ever.

            What had really made him mad was how easily and readily he was to accept Lex's apology and how Lex knew him well enough to expect that forgiveness.  Lex hadn't worried at all, it seemed.  Had treated Clark's apology like it was a for sure thing.

            Clark had suffered for three years from the loss of Lex and he'd only wanted forgiveness.  Then Lex shows up without fair warning, still hadn't given Clark that absolution, and expected Clark to nod like a good little boy and say "Gee, Lex.  You're sorry?  Really?  Well, Golly-jeepers, Lex, of course I can forgive you.  I'm just like that, you know."

            There was something in him that didn't think Lex should get off so fucking easy.  But then the rest of him just wanted this all to be over and over right fucking now.  That was the part of him that was driving to the Luthor Manor in his father's rusty old pick-up.  It was a miracle the damned thing still worked.

            He pulled into the open gate, surprised to see it unlocked and open and drove around to the side entrance out of habit.  He ignored all the sensations that were pressing to come back; the friendly visits, intimate talks, the hard feelings of love for the boy that took time from his ever growing schedule just to sit and talk to Clark.  The rush of sorrow, guilt and self-hate when he found that Lex was gone.

            Would he ever forget that hollow feeling of loss and complete desperate helplessness?  He doubted it.

            He got out of the truck and slammed the door, looking past the trees and towards the lake.  How many times had he and Lex taken short strolls?  Picnicked?  Talked?  Canoed?  It was impossible for him to count.  They'd even ice-skated a couple times- once Shawn Kelvin was removed and taken to STAR Labs- and Lex had turned out to be a surprisingly good skater.

            Clark shoved his hands in the back of his jeans and started towards the lake.  He'd pretended to fall a couple of times just so Lex would help him up.  Twice the ice had come out from Lex's feet and he tumbled right on top of Clark.  He'd never forgotten the feel of Lex's body on top of his, slim hips and warm breath, legs and tingles that the touching and discrete groping had caused.  In his most hopeful moments Clark thought that those slips might have been on purpose, the contact resulting actually desired.

            We were so physically comfortable around each other.  How could I not wonder and wish?  Nobody feels that comfortable around someone else unless they're in love.

            He looked up from the ground as he neared the edge of the clearing and saw Lex leaning against a large tree and looking over the lake.  There was a pile of rocks and pebbles by his side.

            Clark wanted to feel anger at the person who destroyed him.  Wanted to hate the selfish rich boy that had smashed the sweet, hopeful and very innocent farmboy he was, but…  He just couldn't.  Something in Lex's forlorn look made him realize- not just know, but actually understand- that there was more to the story than just his own side.  His fears and cuts suddenly seemed like very old wounds, ones that, though they felt like they would never heal, would in time, dissolve to less and less as he began to understand more around him.  And he wanted to understand.  He wanted to let go.

            Maybe this was how to do it.  "What was it?" he asked.

            Lex didn't answer, just looked down at the pile of stones by his feet.  He didn't seem surprised that Clark was there.

            Clark took a few steps forward.

            "What was it that you left me for?"

            Lex sighed.  "You remember the fun we had out here, Clark?"

            Clark didn't speak.  Lex knew he remembered.

            "I dreamed of it.  On my better days, I dreamed of us and the good times you gave me."  He stood brushing himself off.  "I didn't have many of those.  Good days."  He winced and met Clark's eyes for the first time since Clark had approached him.  "Not that I deserved them at all.  The nightmares were more fitting to my deceptions."

            Deceptions?  "Lex, I-"

            "I was dying, Clark," Lex's eyes looked bleak and dead.  "Still am."

            "I hurt too, Lex, but you should have-"

            "No, Clark.  I'm dying.  Not just emotionally.  Physically."

            Everything in Clark's body stopped.  He felt frozen to the spot, unable to speak, to move, to breathe.