I wrote this when the show frist came out. I stopped wattching after the first five episodes, I think. I was so freaking disapointed. This has nothing to do with the show now, it's just something I wrote a while ago. I wanted to post it here right away, but unfortunately the category was not up. I asked, nothing ever happened. If you like show show now, if it's different, cool. Just remember the first few episodes.
Disclaimer: Law & Order: Criminal Intent, and it's cast of characters belong to NBC and Dick Wolf, though only they know why. I am merely borrowing them so that I may make as much fun of them as my humorless-self possibly can, and promise to return them with as MUCH harm inflicted as possible.
As a personal note: I think it's obvious what the following has been inspired from, but what REALLY got me to writing it was this catchy little snippet of dialogue from the 10-14-01 episode, SMOTHERED.
Goren finds a fish scale on the victim.
Eames: "Great. Our Jane Doe was killed by a shark."
Goren: "No, sharks don't have scales."
And this had been the smartest, wittiest thing she had said all season. Detective Eames has spent far too long sniffing the permanent markers!! Either the chick [Kathryn Erbe] is naturally stupid and they're working on her intelligence level [very doubtful], or the writers just got out of high school, without their diplomas. There are so many things wrong with this show that it's truly unbelievable that it that the "Law & Order" logo tagged to it. UPN would have declined the company of this wanna-be drama. I hope this stupid series gets TRASHED, DUMPED, CANCELED, WHATEVER, even if that does mean taking away my Sunday night amusments!! I'm positive I can find something anything better to do. SHIT ON IT AND FLUSH IT, that's my motto!!!
Last note: This is my very first attempt at parody. Unless, of course, you count the first drama-angst Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan fiction I wrote, but that was accidentally a parody. So, anyway, if you're going to be cruel, remember there's room to grow within me, so try to be constructively cruel.
Author: VTerrice
A Needle in a Haystack
FADE IN
EXT. FARM. NIGHT.
ESTABLISHING SHOT of a farm in a terrible thunderstorm.
INT. STALLS. NIGHT.
The horses are going wild, panicked by the thunderstorm.
A SHADOWY FIGURE in a large black raincoat limps into the stalls, and the horses calm some. The SF continues and then stops in the middle, pulling out a sewing needle. The needle glints in what moonlight permeates the stalls, and the figure cackles. As the cackles grow, the SF lifts it's head a little and it is revealed to be a woman.
INT. STALLS. DAY.
Detective Goren and Woman Partner enter and greet the farmer who is leaning back against a stall. He takes a step up to shake their hands then one back to continue leaning against the stall.
WOMAN PARTNER:
Well, there's the hay stack. Let's get to it.
GOREN:
No, no. I don't think... It wouldn't be there.
WP:
What?
(smug "all knowing" look)
We're here to find a needle in a haystack. There's the haystack. I mean come on. Not much to it, really.
Goren looks around at anything but his partner.
GOREN:
That's the problem. There's nothing to it.
WP:
Don't you even want to check?
GOREN:
(playing with a saddle on the wall)
I think this criminal is too smart to go for the cliched scenarios.
WP:
Too smart?
GOREN:
Yes.
(he walks closer to her, bends down and begins to examine the dirt)
Look at these.
She walks behind him, and looks down over his shoulder.
WP:
What? I don't see anything.
GOREN:
Footprints.
He points down and there are very faint, practically imperceptable impressions in the dirt.
WP:
Oh. And why does this tell you our perp is smart?
GOREN:
These are size 13s, the same as the farmer over there.
(points to oblivious farmer still leaning aginst the stall)
Now even though he only took two steps, I noticed he has a faint limp in his left leg and that he packages himself to the left. Now this adds an extra weight on that left leg that is not apparent in these prints. But the limp is.
WP:
So whoever this is packages himself to the right, and he has a faint limp on the left?
GOREN:
(thoughtful pause)
No packaging. It's a "she".
WP:
Where?
GOREN:
Not sheep. She. These prints... There's no sign of a penis-
Woman Partner smiles and covers her mouth.
GOREN:
-induced weight in the prints. See a penis has a certain weight that affects the body in a particular way. And the limp is...
Goren's eyes follow the trail of "barely-there" footprints. He gets us and walks along beside them, starting to limp.
GOREN:
Well, she was most likely imitating the farmer's. Like this.
WP:
(just watching)
Why would she do that? So that someone looking at the prints would think it was the farmer?
GOREN:
No, I don't think so.
(a pause)
I think she was wearing a disguise.
WP:
So she was afraid of someone seeing her?
GOREN:
(takes a thoughtful look at the animals around him)
Or "someone"s.
WP:
Sorry?
GOREN:
(points to the animals)
Animals tend to get scared during thunderstorms. She wanted to come in here and hide the needle, she would have to do it, but her presence would affect the animals. So she wore a disguise and limped to make the animals see her as the farmer, their caretaker, thereby calming them tremendously.
WP:
Oh.
(a pause)
How'd you-
GOREN:
Adept Prodigies and Horse Lovers Magazine.
WP:
Oh.
Goren walks around the room taking everything in. After a moment the Woman Partner sighs and looks a little bored, trying to be helpful by looking in the stalls.
WP:
What could I possibly say to make you look even better in this situation, and me look like, well... uh, me?
GOREN:
(not really paying attention to her)
Does the script have you saying anything here?
WP:
Well, no, I just felt like it needed something.
GOREN:
(nods patiently, mostly to himself)
What does it say?
WP:
Nothing, just "Stand there and look pretty, sweetheart."
GOREN:
(looks to her)
Then do that.
WP:
Okay.
She stands back and flips her hair. Goren steps back a takes a look at her.
GOREN:
Do that again.
WP:
What? This?
She does it again and he cocks his head from one side to the other.
GOREN:
Again.
She does. He walks up, his face a study in concentration, and flings her jacket a little more open, producing an attractive flare. He then unbuttons her workshirt's top button, and fluffs her hair a little, making her look incredible. He then whips out a couple articles of make up and starts to apply them, quick and assured. He steps back looking at her new and more attractive face. His own facial expressions are no different from when he began, and never changed during the application.
GOREN:
Perfect. You would think the make-up experts and costume designers could try getting something right for once.
Woman Partner takes out her mirror and looks herself over.
WP:
How'd you do that?
He walks around the stall, as his partner stares into her mirror, amazed.
GOREN:
I spent months as a Geisha.
WP:
I thought you were a Scorpio.
GOREN:
I am. Geisha are excepted and revered escorts trained in the art of comfort and sexual pleasure for men.
WP:
So you lived in California?
GOREN:
Japan.
She nods. He begins to walk around awkwardly, much like a curious child.
GOREN:
Does your proboscis detect a slight odor?
WOMAN PARTNER:
What?
GOREN:
(gesturing with his hands)
Does it... does it, you know, smell funny? In here?
WP:
Oh, I'm sorry. I can't smell.
GOREN:
Well, I detect a faint trace of manure.
WP:
(a pause and a smug smile, followed by a crossing of her arms and a toss of her now perfect hair)
Well, we are in a horse stall, Goren.
GOREN:
(walking around looking at the roof of the stalls)
No, it's not horse manure. It's a different kind of-
(looks at her with shocked amusement)
It's cow manure.
WP:
Oh.
He starts to follow the trail of the scent, letting his nose lead the way and finds it in the corner. He bends down, whips out a latex glove, and puts it on, carefully going through the manure. His partner bends over him.
WP:
What are you doing?
GOREN:
If you were a psychologically troubled woman trying to hide a needle that you felt you deperately had to dispose of, would you put it in the most obvious place or the least?
WP:
What was the question again?
Goren is silent as he searches through the dung. After a moment, he pulls out the needle in almost passive triumph, and holds it to the camera.
WP:
Sherlock has nothing on you.
He ignores her.
INT. BULLPEN. LATER.
Goren is walking with his CAPTAIN, and the Woman Partner follows behind, trying to keep up.
GOREN:
She brought the cow manure with her because she knew that she couldn't hide it in the horse amnure. Getting into the stalls with those anxious animals would be suicide.
CAPTAIN:
I don't agree with you at all Goren, but then again I'll let you do whatever you want because I never agree with you and you're always right.
(laughs jovially)
When will I ever learn?
(reaches his detectives' desks)
Okay, kids, well... Keep up the good work. Find me whatever you're looking for.
WP:
(smiles)
That's what we're here for.
She is ignored by both of them. The captain starts to leave, then remembers something. He whips out a manila folder from under his suit.
CAPTAIN:
I knew I had two purposes in this scene. To make you look good, Goren, and to give you something that will enable you to make yourself look even better once I leave.
(clearing his throat, and sounding more captain-like)
Here's the forensic report on that cow manure you asked for.
GOREN:
(taking the file)
Thank you, sir.
Captain nods and just stands there. After a moment, the two detectives stare at him, then it just becomes pathetically awkward.
GOREN:
Uh, Captain?
(whispers)
Jamey?
CAPTAIN:
(starts)
Uh, yeah, yeah. I know.
(suddenly bitter)
"Exit scene". Fine. I'm gone.
(turns around and goes, muttering)
I'm gonna go watch The Stand. I was awesome in that.
He walks off.
WP:
The Stand?
GOREN:
(now reading the forensic report]
The height of his career.
(scratches his head and points to something with his pen)
This says that this dung held traceable amounts of bluegrass.
(he looks up that WP, his "thoughful look" gracing his face)
Now "Bob's Bluegrass" is the only company that sells bluegrass to this district.
WP:
The same company that supplies for Bob's Barricades in southern Florida?
GOREN:
Now the only company in New York State that owns cows and buys grass from "Bob's Bluegrass" is Lucky's Milk 'N Silk products.
INT. VILLIAN'S BEDROOM. AFTERNOON.
The woman from the first scene is revealed to be a skanky looking brunette. She's walking around her room smoking a cigarette, and playing with another needle.
WOMAN
My name is Darla, what's yours?
It is revealed that she is talking to a frog. She bends over the frog.
DARLA
Aren't you going to talk to me?
The frog just sits there.
DARLA
Bastard!!
She stabs the frog over and over, then backs up.
DARLA
That will teach you.
CUT TO: BLACK SCREEN. Law & Order chords play. The words "Somewhere in the New York countryside" pop-up in bold letters, all caps and white against the screen.
INT. LUCKY'S MILK 'N SILK. LATER.
Lucky's Milk 'N Silk is a huge factory. On one side, there are cows being milked by machines. On the other side are various tables set up with people sewing.
GOREN:
This is definitely the place.
WP:
Why do you say that?
GOREN:
Well, first of all, this place sells stuff sewn by hand. So, I'd say our perp works here.
Woman Partner bites the inside of her bottom lip and nods.
GOREN:
Also, there were amounts of sickliomesopation and ickelcellmoxin in the cow dung.
(of her dumb look)
Chemicals used in those.
(he points to the milking machines)
WP:
(she looks and is disgusted)
What are those?
GOREN:
(just a bit exasperated)
They're milking machines.
WP:
Oh. I thought they were sexual devices.
GOREN:
(exasperation gone)
No, you were thinking of the devise known as-
VOICE:
Excuse me? Can I help you?
Goren stands back and Darla, now in her work clothes but still just as skanky, approaches. She does nothing, just acts normal but Goren looks at her, moving around a bit, doing his "I'm suspicious of you because the audience knows you're the bad guy and this is how I make them think I look great" moves.
Woman Partner, completely oblivious to his suspicions, starts to talk to the young woman.
WP:
Yeah, we're here investigating the "Hidden Needle" investigation. Maybe you've read about it in the paper.
VOICE (OFF SCREEN):
Darla? Can you come finish my papers?
She turns to leave. Goren lightly taps her arm.
GOREN:
So, you're a secretary. You don't work here?
(he points to the sewing area)
Or there?
(he points to the cows being milked)
DARLA:
No. I'm the assistant manager.
She leaves. Goren watches her suspiciously as his partner turns around and carelessly flings her arms.
WP:
What next here, partner?
Darla enters the office as the MANAGER leaves it. Goren strains forward to watch.
WP:
Boy, she was nice. But it looks like this was a dead end. I mean even though we just got here and haven't even started loo-
GOREN:
Shh.
WP:
What?
GOREN:
It means 'be quiet'.
WP:
Oh, sorry.
GOREN:
(a pause)
I can hear something.
WP:
Well, there's a lot of sewing around here. And there's also, the milking machines-
GOREN:
No, no. Something else. Something more quiet.
WP:
Something so quiet that it's odd and awe inspiring that you can hear it at all?
GOREN:
(a beat)
It's whispers.
He walks forward and the Woman Partner follows. He then breaks into a run and gets to the office, flinging open the door. The Woman Partner looks shocked, and Goren merely superior and above whatever they see.
The camera pans around to Darla hugging a huge sack of needles and whispering lightly to herself.
DARLA
If only they'd talk. If only, if only-
She continues to whisper as the camera looks back to the detectives as it is time for their sympathetic shots.
INT. HEADQUARTERS HALLWAY. LATER.
Goren and his Woman Partner are walking down the hallway.
GOREN
I have this little chip in my brain that I invented when I was seven from dog food, tin from a can, and my father's remote control. I can hear anything within 75 yards if I try.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM. CONTINUOUS.
During the following scene Woman Partner merely glares at the suspect with varying degrees of mistrust, suspicion, and envy at how much a better actor Darla is than she.
GOREN:
(in her face)
My mother had needles, you know! She didn't like them but she never hid them!
(walking around to her other side)
People don't hide needles for nothing, Darla! People only hide needles if they've done something very wrong with them.
(calms and lowers to her level)
Like bad cross-stitching... or murder.
Darla's chin begins to tremble.
GOREN:
(bending down to whisper)
SVU has a patent on the trembling chin thing. You'll have to come up with something different.
Darla, momentarily "out of the moment", winces then gets back into the mood, putting her face in her hands and dropping her head to the table.
GOREN:
(pacing)
It makes since that you'd use the needles. Really it does, you know?
(still pacing, but now speaking in a more sensitive tone)
You don't like your job as assistant manager, because it forces the responsibility on you, but only gives you the illusion of total power. That power is handed off to someone else. You saw the needles as the symbol of your inability to act and take control, your feigned impunities, your... social impotence.
INT. VIEWING ROOM. CONTINUOUS.
The ADA stands alone watching Goren and his partner.
GOREN (from ADA's view)
So... so you used them as a weapon to symbolically take over. Murder is power.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM. CONTINUOUS.
GOREN
Almost always, in cases such as this, it's about power.
(pulls out the chair next to her and straddles it)
But what I don't get is: why the frogs?
Darla looks up, startled at his words.
GOREN:
(nodding)
That's right, Darla. We've searched your place. We found the frog. Stabbed to death by a needle. His DNA matches with the sample found on the sewing needle you discarded in the cow pooh. We're are the rest?
(yelling)
We know there are more, Darla!
(calm and smiling)
Just, you know, tell us where they are. The bodies and the needles. If you cooperate, it'll be easier to get you an insanity plea.
Darla looks to the woman partner across the table and starts talking about where to find the frogs. Goren gets up and walks to the window looking out. Since we know his reaction to what she is saying is more important than what she's actually saying, we'll just focus on him, and ignore her words.
Suddenly he frowns and a compassionate tear escapes from one eye. He wipes it away, then turns to Darla.
GOREN:
Are they the ones that wouldn't talk to you?
Darla's tears run down her face and she nods.
DARLA:
(shaking and trembling)
Yes, yes, yes...
INT. VIEWING ROOM. CONTINUOUS.
The ADA very slowly looks down at his hands, then back up into the room. A very slow smile crosses his face.
ADA CARVER
(very slowly in a soothing but drugged voice)
Man's gooood.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM. CONTINUOUS.
ADA Carver comes into the room and walks over the the detectives. Men in blues are taking Darla away.
ADA CARVER
(very slowly, very soothing)
Do you want. Some of this? It is weed. It will calm you. Beyond....... Beyond anything else. Youve ever...... Ever experienced.
The Woman Partner starts to go for it, but then sees Goren decline any with a disgusted face. She then shakes her head at Carver, also with a disgusted expression gracing her face.
ADA CARVER
(smiles like a psychotic serial killer)
Your. Loss.
INT. HALL. LATER.
Goren, Woman Partner, and ADA Carver stand outside a miscellaneous office.
ADA CARVER
Oh, no. She won't. Get off on. An insanity plea. Not as long as. I'm around.
WP:
(looks at Goren)
But I thought you told her that she'd-
GOREN:
(shrugs)
She's a bad guy. Bad guys aren't people, they don't have feelings, they don't have rights. There aren't really and truly two sides to a story. Not that matter anyway. Even the good guys that aren't us, don't really matter. So who cares what I do or say to get us what we need to get them where we want them to be?
Captain suddenly comes in out from nowhere.
CAPTAIN
I want more face time! I want more face time! Come on. Give me a point in this scene. Just a tiny point?
(sees security)
NO! NO!! I don't need a point. I can just stand here and laugh with them at Vincint's stupid fucking jokes.
(security starts to drag him away)
You can't do this to me man! I was cool! I was pure evil!
Security drags him away. Goren shakes his head in pity, and his Woman Partner imitates him. DA Carver turns his head but just misses the event as he's turned too slowly.
ADA CARVER
Did I. Hear. Something?
CAPTAIN (OFFSCREEN)
I met Stephen King, damn it! Screw you, Dick Wolf. I don't need you.
(a beat)
I didn't mean that!
Woman Partner tosses her hair. When Goren doesn notice, she tosses her hair again more wildly, brushing her elbow against him.
GOREN
(starting and whispering to himself)
Right, right. 'Joke from oblivion' time.
(to Carver)
You know, Ron, you would've liked 'Lucky's Milk & Silk'.
ADA CARVER
Oh? ... Why is that?
GOREN:
Because they double tasked.
Goren and Woman Partner walk off smiling at each other. The Woman Partner's smile makes it obvious that she, like us, doesn't really get the joke.
ADA Carver just stands there, probably still processing the words. The camera stays on him for a ridiculous amount of time, and he just decides to walk off screen.
INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT.
The ending of Law & Order: Criminal Intent is onscreen, then the screen blacks over and we see the words "EXECUTIVE PRODUCER" and below them "DICK WOLF".
We PULL BACK to see Mr. Wolf sitting on his couch. He calmly stands and walks over to his penthouse window. We see from the view that it is at least 20 stories up. He calmly opens it and jumps out.
FADE OUT
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