2/25/02-3/3/02

Raw

VIDEO PACKAGE

The Shattered Dreams logo comes up, revealing it to be a promo from Goldust. It fades in to Goldust on one of his sets.

Goldust: �I will take the ring, though I do not know the way.� Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, 2001. Unlike Frodo Baggins, I do know the way. And since my return, I have taken the ring by storm! But every great needs a prot�g� someone to receive my expertise. One thing it takes to get it done here in the WWF is greed, and one full of greed I have found. And I have found him� my student.

The camera pans out to show Cheesecake in Goldust attire. The black face paint on his face forms the letters �PPV.�

Cheesecake: (in a deeper voice) That�th right, Goldust. �Greed, for lack of a better word, i�th good. Greed i�th right. Greed work�th. Greed clarifie�th, cut�th through, and capture�th the e�th�ence of the evolu�th�ionary th�pirit. Greed, in all it�th form�th.� Wall Th�treet, 1987. I have been th�own the light by my new mentor. Up until now, I have been on a th�treak of losses. �Well, nobody�th perfect.� Th�ome Like it Hot, 1959. And now, Chee�th�cake enter�th a new era, not as he wa�th before, but a�th he i�th now. And I promi�th that you all will never forget the name of� (takes a deep breath) Goldcake.

Goldust: Or Goldust.

INT. LOCKER ROOM � NIGHT

Croooooow, Cynric and Huh are watching the previous segment on a monitor.

Croooooow: Goldcake?

Cynric: Well� whatever floats his boat, I guess. Anyway, bro, we�ve got a job to do.

Croooooow: Right. Stay here, Huh.

They leave the locker room. Huh keeps watching the monitor for a moment and then looks after them.

Huh: Huh?

INT. ARENA � NIGHT

MATCH: Nykk vs. Val Venis

Val Venis�s theme hits and he makes his way to the ring.

JR: Val�s ready to get it done tonight.

King: Yeah, he looks pumped.

Val gets a mic.

Val: Hello, ladies! Now you all know the drill� heh, heh, heh� I�m going to pick one of you lovely ladies from ringside to come in here and remove the Big Valbowski�s towel.

He starts to survey the audience.

King: Over here. Behind us, Val!

JR: I don�t think he needs your help, King.

After about thirty seconds, Val points to a pretty blond in the front row.

Val: You, in the red shirt. Security, help her over the railing.

The girl gets helped over the railing and enters the ring. Val stands in the center of the ring.

Val: Now, I don�t to know your name because I don�t want you to get too attached, so just take the Big Valbowski�s towel. Let the world see the Big Valbowski!

As the girl takes the towel, Nykk�s theme hits and he walks down the ramp with the PPV Squad mic.

King: What the� come on, Nykk, at least let him kiss the girl.

JR: Nykk doesn�t look happy at Val for some reason.

Nykk: What the hell is this? You know it�s bad enough that Edge costs Croooooow and me the tag team titles last Thursday, the nWo arrives and tries to show up everything we�ve done in the six months we�ve been here, and now I�m informed that I have to wrestle some slimy porn star tonight. You come out here and take up all my TV time with this stupid gimmick of yours while the two minutes you�ve been doing it we could have been having a WRESTLING match. Now instead of a �twenty-minute classic,� it�s going to be a three-minute suckfest!

JR: Only if you win.

Nykk: What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think this is entertaining? Save it for the working girls on 34th Street, Val. This is the WWF, and I�ll be damned if I�m going to let you force the crowd to view your stupid penis!

JR: Good lord.

Nykk: That�s right, I said PENIS! Now I don�t want you to get too attached, Val, because I�m going to come down and kick your ass right now. If this is going to be short, I�ll make sure that the next towel you remove will be from your esophagus! Then again, you look like you�re used to having things stuck down there.

JR: My God. He�s riled up tonight, King.

Nykk slides in the ring and the bell rings. The match goes about four minutes. As Val goes for a dropkick, Nykk catches his foot and slams him to the mat. He applies the Bellbrookville Cedarleaf, and Val taps out.

JR: Nykk with the win after the Bellbrookville Cedarleaf, and� well, it looks like we�re in for some more.

Nykk grabs the PPV Squad mic and climbs back in the ring, stomping on Val.

Nykk: Get up, Edge! Come on. What�s the matter? Did I cripple you again?

JR: This is humiliating.

Nykk: Come on, Edge! You dumb Canadian! You PENIS! This is where you belong, Edge. On the mat and in pain!

Edge runs down the ramp and into the ring. He spears Nykk and starts pounding on him.

JR: Edge couldn�t stand by and watch Nykk do this, and now he�s beating the hell out of him! King: Not again, he got Nykk again!

Croooooow runs down and gets clotheslined by Edge. As Edge leans in to hammer Croooooow, Cynric runs in through the crowd with a leather strap. He cracks it across Edge�s back and Nykk pounces, hammering Edge.

King: It�s Croooooow and Cynric!

JR: Oh no, it was a trap. Nykk laid a damn trap for Edge. And now Cynric�s whipping him with that leather strap!

Nykk gives some instructions and Cynric wraps the strap around Edge�s throat, handing one end to Croooooow. They back Edge into the corner and start kicking him.

JR: Now what are they doing? They have that strap wrapped around Edge and Croooooow and Cynric are each holding an end.

Nykk Irish whips Edge out of the corner. Croooooow and Cynric yank back on the strap when Edge reaches the end, snapping Edge�s neck back and making him fall to the mat.

King: Oh my God!

JR: This is sickening! They could have re-injured Edge�s neck here!

Nykk starts hitting Edge some more, but Val gets a chair and brings it in, scattering the PPV Squad.

JR: Val is in with a chair, but it looks like the damage has been done.

Nykk, Cynric and Croooooow back up the ramp victoriously as the PPV Squad theme plays.

INT. ARENA � NIGHT

MATCH: �The Devil Himself� Dusty Schneble vs. Kane

Dusty�s theme plays and �The Devil Himself� Dusty Schneble makes his way to the ring.

JR: �The Devil Himself� is on his way to the ring for this next one on one encounter. Finally, Kane gets a chance to avenge his loss at No Way Out.

King: But what kind of tricks will Dusty have up his sleeve tonight?

Kane�s pyro goes off and his theme plays. Kane makes his way to the ring.

JR: Kane wants to dismantle Dusty and� uh oh, here we go!

Dusty attacks Kane in the aisle and throws him into the ring. The match starts and goes about five minutes. As Kane sets up for the chokeslam, Jay runs down and stands on the apron. As Kane turns toward him, Dusty charges. Kane moves and Dusty clotheslines Jay. He turns around to get the chokeslam from Kane and gets pinned.

JR: Kane has finally gotten revenge on Dusty Schneble! What�s he doing now?

Kane starts choking Dusty some more, prompting Jay to get two blowtorches from underneath the ring. He throws one in and turns on another, sliding into the ring. Kane panics and exits the ring. Dusty staggers to his feet and turns on the other blowtorch. They consult each other and then go after Kane.

JR: Oh no� the Pyro Twins are chasing Kane with those damn blowtorches!

EXT. PARKING LOT � NIGHT

Kane exits the building and gets backed up against a concrete wall. The Pyro Twins soon follow.

Jay: Where you running to, Kane? We�ve got something for you!

Dusty: This is going to hurt you a lot more than it�s going to hurt us! We�re going to burn you, you fire-hater!

Faarooq: Hey, Pyro Twins!

The Pyro Twins turn around and the APA are standing there with a fire hose. They douse the Pyro Twins with water, extinguishing their torches. They move in and start beating up Dusty and Jay, causing them to hightail it back into the arena.

Bradshaw: I hate to make a bad pun but� it looks like them Pyro Twins are all wet!

Faarooq: Damn!

They give Kane a high five.

INT. PROMO SET � NIGHT

Michael Cole is standing by with Nykk.

Cole: Nykk, I understand that after your heinous attack on Edge tonight, you have something to say.

Nykk: Heinous attack? I�m not the one who�s been running in on matches all week and costing guys titles! The way I figure it, Edge, if I haven�t crippled you again, is that no matter what I do the WWF is going to put you and me in a match together eventually. So I�ll be the one to lay out the challenge. You and me at WrestleMania, Edge! Toronto, your hometown! I�ll make your friends cower, and I�ll make your family cry. Because when we meet at the Skydome, Edge, you are not walking out under your own power.

Nykk leaves the set.

Smackdown

INT. LOCKER ROOM � NIGHT

Goldcake is twirling his wig around one finger with Croooooow and Nykk facing him.

Nykk: Goldcake? Goldcake!? What the hell are you thinking? Do you realize that this is going to make people take us even less seriously? We are not a comedy act!

Goldcake: �The issue isn�t whether you�re paranoid, it�s whether you�re paranoid enough.� Strange Days, 1995.

Croooooow: Good movie. Very underrated.

Nykk: Stop! If you want to act all fruity, GOLDcake, that�s fine with me. Now Huh has a match tonight and I want you to make sure he doesn�t screw up. Got that?

Goldcake: �If I�m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.� Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, 1994.

Nykk: I can�t take much more of this. Listen, I�ve got a flight to catch, and I want to leave before it gets even darker�

Goldcake: �It is always dark in the beginning.� The Neverending Story, 1984.

Nykk: That�s it! I�m going to Japan!

He storms out of the locker room.

Croooooow: Man, he took that hard! Anyway, uh, Goldcake, if this gives you some self esteem� well, whatever. Nykk may have his problems with Edge but I�m going for some more gold, just like you! I�m trying to get a match with DDP for the European Title, and come Monday, Huh could be Hardcore Champ. But it�s all up to you. You up for the challenge?

Goldcake: �You gotta have two things to win. You gotta have brains and you gotta have balls.�

Croooooow: The Color of Money, 1986, right?

INT. ARENA � NIGHT

MATCH: Huh vs. Crash

Crash�s theme hits and he makes his way to the ring.

Cole: The winner of this next match receives a Hardcore Title match on Raw, King.

King: And Crash has been Hardcore Champion more times than anybody, hasn�t he?

Cole: He certainly has, but I don�t know how much of a challenge his opponent will be.

Huh�s theme hits and he dance his way to the ring, along with Goldcake.

King: Here comes Huh!

Cole: And he�s with Cheesecake, who I guess wants to be called Goldcake now, after Goldust took him on as a prot�g� on Raw.

The match goes about three minutes. As Crash gets the upper hand, Goldcake gets on the apron. Crash hits him, and turns around to receive the Windbreaker from Huh. Instead of going for the cover, he starts dancing. Goldcake points to Crash, telling Huh to cover but he just wants to dance. Goldcake motions to the back and Cynric comes down, distracting the ref. Goldcake gets in the ring and gives Crash the Screw Driver. He tells Huh to cover again, but Huh keeps dancing. Goldcake then kicks Huh and DDTs him, rolling him on top of Crash. The ref turns around to make the three count.

Cole: I think that was the most bizarre finish I�ve ever seen.

King: What are you talking about? Huh wins!

Cole: Yeah, but not under his own volition. The only way his friends could get him to go for the cover was by knocking him out and putting him on top of Crash.

King: Well, nonetheless, Huh now has a Hardcore Title shot on Monday!

INT. PROMO SET � NIGHT

Lillian Garcia is standing by with Edge, who has a neck brace on.

Lillian: Edge, on Monday the PPV Squad re-injured your neck by wrapping a leather strap around you and snapping your neck back. Then Nykk said that he was challenging you to a match at WrestleMania, if you weren�t crippled again.

Edge: Rest assured, Lillian, this thing on my neck is only temporary. I�m off to Japan in a little bit for the WWF�s tour of Asia, so unfortunately I will also miss Raw. But Nykk, I accept your challenge. You and I will settle our issues in Toronto. Cynric, you�re the one who brought out that leather strap, so don�t worry, you�ll get yours too. Now if you�ll excuse me, Lillian, I have a plane to catch.

He leaves the set.

INT. ARENA � NIGHT

MATCH: Croooooow vs. Tajiri

Croooooow�s theme hits and he makes his way to the ring.

Cole: Here comes Croooooow, who I understand has been looking for a European Title shot against DDP.

King: Well, he may have to worry about Edge too. You heard what he said earlier. He�s after Nykk and Cynric, and if he�s not careful, Croooooow too.

Cole: Yes, Cynric was the one who brought out the leather strap on Monday, and Croooooow played a part in that as well.

Tajiri�s theme hits and he and Torrie Wilson make their way to the ring.

Cole: Tajiri may still be upset about not winning the tag team titles a few weeks ago, and may want to take it out on Croooooow.

King: Poor Croooooow. Everybody�s after him these days.

The match goes about four minutes. As Tajiri sets up for his kick, Croooooow rolls and trips Tajiri, trying to lock on the STF. Tajiri escapes and kicks Croooooow in the head. Tajiri goes for his kick again, but Croooooow catches the leg and maneuvers Tajiri into the STF. Tajiri taps out after a few moments. Croooooow gets up and does the DDP hand signal.

Cole: Croooooow with the victory, and look at him. He�s mocking Diamond Dallas Page, probably hoping to goad him into a title match.

DDP�s theme hits and he comes out on the ramp with a mic.

Cole: It�s DDP! Croooooow may get an answer right now!

DDP: Well if it isn�t Croooooow. I heard you�ve been doggin� me for a title shot. Well, since it�s been my dream to go to a WrestleMania, how about we do this thing there? Croooooow vs. DDP for the European Title! I�ll see you at the Skydome!

DDP�s theme hits and he leaves.

Cole: There we have it, a European Title match at WrestleMania. Croooooow will go against DDP!

Jakked

MATCH: Goldcake vs. Crash

Crash wins after executing a springboard bulldog.

Heat

MATCH: Cynric and Goldcake vs. The APA

After Goldcake executes the Screw Driver on Faarooq, he gets up and receives the Clothesline from Hell from Bradshaw for the pin.