10/8/01-10/14/01
Raw
INT. PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT
The camera shows the parking garage, while Heyman and Jim Ross pimp the arrival of Stone Cold Steve Austin. They become excited as a pair of headlights comes into view. However, it's no limo or truck, but a plain old station wagon. As Heyman and JR express their confusion, NYKK, CROOOOOOW, CHEESECAKE, HUH and JAY get out of the car. They're all wearing PPV Squad t-shirts and walk in like they actually work in the WWF.
Nykk: Freakin' finally, we're here!
Croooooow: Okay, guys, this is it!
Cheesecake: It'th time for th'ome good wre'th'tling.
Nykk: It's a good night for a great match.
Raw music starts up.
JR: What? Who the hell are these guys?
INT. ARENA - NIGHT
Back from the break, the PPV Squad theme music starts up and their TitanTron video plays. The PPV Squad enters the arena and makes their way to the ring.
JR: Ladies and gentlemen, we're back, and... Paul, what's going on?
Heyman: Why are you looking at me? I have no idea who these guys are.
JR: Well, folks, we saw these five arrive before the break but... to my knowledge, they aren't employed by the WWF.
Heyman: To my knowledge, neither Shane nor Stephanie hired them either. Who are the PPV Squad?
They get into the ring and pose, much to the crowd's confusion.
JR: They look just like any average fans... SOMEBODY must have hired them. They wouldn't have gotten in, otherwise!
Nykk gets a microphone.
Heyman: Well, maybe this guy will give us some answers.
The music stops as Nykk and the rest of the Squad look out at the fans.
Nykk: I suppose you're wondering who we are.
JR: There's an understatement.
Nykk: Well, we're the PPV Squad.
The Squad holds up their shirts for the camera and crowd.
Nykk: My name is Nykk, the esteemed leader of this revolution. That is, my name's spelled N-Y-K-K. I hate it when people say it wrong!
He starts to indicate each of the Squad in turn.
Croooooow: This is Croooooow... Jay... Cheesecake... and Huh.
JR: Huh!?
Heyman: That's what he said, JR.
Nykk: You see, our mission is simple: your first question these days is probably, 'Are they on the side of the WWF or the Alliance?' The answer is neither. We're on the side of good wrestling. We're here to open your eyes! You have all been trained like sheep to accept mediocre wrestling matches as being excellent. Your own gullibility is what has allowed the wrestling industry to become a cesspool of tastelessness, T & A exhibitions, mediocre and just plain awful wrestlers, and monologues that take twenty minutes just to make a point. What the hell do you people tune in for? To see Stacy Keibler and Torrie Wilson in bikinis while a fourth-string announcer shells out bad humor? I don't know about you, but when I tune into a WRESTLING show, I expect it to deliver WRESTLING. I'm not talking about matches that last two minutes, or a random contest of moves from the top rope, or any garbage involving tables, ladders or chairs. It seems the only way a person can get respect from you people is to dive off a twenty-foot ladder! You should be ashamed of yourselves! There are some great wrestlers who don't even get the TV time they deserve! And on the vein of that... Kaientai, would you come out here please?
JR: Kaientai?
Kaientai's music plays and they make their way to the ring, confused.
Nykk: Taka Michinoku... four years ago, you signed with the World Wrestling Federation as one of the best wrestlers Japan had to offer. People couldn't say enough about the future you were going to have in this sport! You were the first World Wrestling Federation Light Heavyweight Champion... yet here you are, four years later. You and your partner have been stuck at the bottom of the ladder, getting on television every once in a blue moon.
Taka hangs his head.
Nykk: Future? Ha! You're twenty-seven years old and already a has-been!
JR: All right now, come on!
Nykk: But I'm going to offer you a chance to show the world the extent of your wrestling skill. My friend Croooooow can go twenty plus minutes with you. We won't tease the fans with a five minute blow-off match, oh no. We'll show them a classic, on par with your match against Super Delfin in 1996, what do you say?
JR: ?Nykk? has issued a challenge to Taka Michinoku!
Taka confers with Funaki for a moment and then nods his ascent.
Nykk: Dangan.
He motions the rest of the Squad out of the ring.
JR: Dangan?
The bell rings and the match starts.
JR: Well, here we go. 'Croooooow' vs. Taka Michinoku. Like Nykk said, Taka was the first ever light heavyweight champion.
Heyman: And you know something? He's right! Taka's been treated like dirt ever since the WWF signed him to a contract.
JR: That' s not true, we've valued his services these past few years. He's part of the WWF family.
FINISH: Match progresses with Taka in control. Croooooow gets in a little offense, but Taka catches him tipping up out of the corner and delivers the Michinoku Driver. He covers for the easy three count. The match lasted about three minutes.
JR: Michinoku with the victory. So much for Nykk's 'twenty minute classic.'
Heyman: I guess the PPV Squad couldn't live up to what they preach.
As Taka gets up, Y2Jay attacks him from behind with a forearm, laying Taka out. The Squad stomps on him for a bit and then go to the corner to yell at the fans. Funaki gets in to check on his partner, but Nykk hits him in the head with a chair as he crouches over.
JR: Oh come on! Michinoku called their bluff and won fair and square! What kind of human beings are these people?
Nykk grabs the mic.
Nykk: (enraged) I tried! I tried to get you out of your funk! We could have prepared you for a run at the tag team titles! You were two of the best wrestlers in the WWF had to offer! But you wouldn't accept my help! You've proven to me that your talent is gone, and you're now just the meat puppets of Vince McMahon! If you're not with us... then you're against us.
He throws down the mic and exits the ring with the rest of the Squad. Their music plays as they leave.
JR: What a piece of...
Heyman: Hey, hey!
JR: What a bunch of sore losers! Taka didn't want to have a good wrestling match with someone he never even met before, he wanted to win! Now he's telling us that Taka has no future because he beat that guy Croooooow in way less than twenty minutes?
Heyman: Don't yell at me, I didn't hit Taka with that chair!
JR: Folks, I'd like to tell you that this is the end of it, but I have the feeling we'll be seeing these idiots again, unfortunately.
*Cut to backstage or commercial*
Smackdown
INT. ARENA ? NIGHT
*Cut back from commercial break*
Billy Gunn's music hits and he walks to the ring for his match. The announcers talk about the upcoming main event as well as the PPV. They say they don't know who's going to face Gunn when the PPV Squad's music hits. Nykk, Croooooow, Cheesecake, Huh and Jay walk down the ramp.
Cole: Oh no, not again... we saw these five on Raw Monday night?
Tazz: The PPV Squad!
Cole: So they call themselves. Nobody knows how they got jobs here in the WWF, only that they seem to be pushing for longer, competitive wrestling matches.
Tazz: But Croooooow didn't do so well last Monday.
Nykk raises the mic.
Nykk: As you all know by now, we're the PPV Squad. On Monday we demonstrated our cause to bring the fans... that's each and every one of you...
He points around the arena.
Cole: Nykk stating the obvious.
Nykk: We brought you a classic wrestling encounter when my friend Croooooow went twenty plus minutes with Taka Michinoku.
Cole: Stop the pain. Taka beat him in about three minutes.
Nykk: Now, in the ring, we have the other side of the coin. Billy Gunn, you are a worthless piece of crap!
Gunn looks at him and brushes him off while Nykk waits for the boos to subside.
Nykk: I mean, you can't even string three moves together in a logical order. You're sucking wind five minutes into a match! You lost the only gimmick people ever gave a damn about, and now these fans... each and every one of them... hate YOU!
Gunn stares at the Squad with a look saying 'What the hell is this goofball talking about?'
Tazz: (laughing) That's right!
Cole: That's not true. These fans love 'The One' Billy Gunn!
Nykk: Judging by the dumb look on your face, I guess I'll have to lay it out for you and for these rubes... each and every one of them. You, Billy Gunn, wouldn't even be able to go five minutes with any of us, let alone a twenty-minute classic! You should be fired, but for some reason you stick around at the bottom of the ladder like a leech, sucking the steam from what is, for the most part, a talented roster. Just like you leeched off of your 'brother' Bart, and just like you leeched off the most popular group in WWF history. The way I see it, the only way you're going to understand is if one of us comes down and gives you a personal lecture in pain.
Nykk makes like he's going to take off his shirt and rush the ring, but lets the fabric fall back into place and raises the mic.
Nykk: Croooooow, go teach him a lesson!
Croooooow gets in the ring and the bell rings. Nykk goes over to sit at the commentary table.
Cole: Well, we're being joined here by Nick...
Nykk: Don't call me that! It's Nykk!
Cole: What? That's what I said!
Nykk: It's spelled N-Y-K-K not N-I-C-K.
Tazz: How can you tell the difference?
Nykk: I can hear the inflections in his voice. I hate it when people call me Nick!
Cole: Well, Billy Gunn is dominating Croooooow... maybe you can explain the reason why you're here in the WWF and even how you got your jobs!
Nykk: The matter of how we got our jobs is our business, Michael Cole. The PPV Squad is here to show the fans that wrestling is performance art. Wrestling matches tell a story, but apparently that's not good enough for the fans anymore. They want longer promos, more T & A... when I tune into a wrestling show, I expect to see WRESTLING. Good wrestling. And we expect that the fans will come to realize that as well.
Cole: Don't you think that's a little bit hypocritical? I mean, you just cut a promo up there on the ramp...
Nykk: How else are we to get our message across unless by doing the only thing the fans seem to understand!?
Tazz: That guy Croooooow seems to be holding his own against Gunn. If you talk so tough, why didn't you get in there to wrestle him?
Nykk: No doubt. Like I said, anyone of us is a better wrestler than Billy Gunn. Believe me Tazz, when the time comes, I'll step into the ring.
The match finishes with Billy Gunn scoring a clean victory with a FameAsser at about four minutes.
Cole: So much for your theory... where are you going?
Nykk throws the headset off and grabs a chair. As Billy has his back turned, Nykk climbs into the ring and hits him in the back with it. The rest of the Squad moves in and beats the crap out of Billy Gunn. Nykk gives instructions to prop him up in the corner. They lay his face against the top turnbuckle and Nykk swings the chair, nailing Gunn in the back of the head with it. Gunn slumps to the mat, out cold. Nykk grabs the mic again.
Cole: Oh my God! The PPV Squad just sandwiched the One's head in between the turnbuckle and that chair!
Tazz: These guys have a mean streak, Cole. They're almost like a gang of velociraptors.
Cole: We need some help out here for Billy Gunn! He could have a concussion.
Nykk: What you have just seen is the end of Billy Gunn in the WWF. And I say good riddance!
Nykk throws down the mic and the Squad exits.
Cole: This PPV Squad's delusional! They're not a threat; just a bunch of ordinary guys who can't cut it unless they gang up on someone.
Tazz: They talk big, and they act big. Look at what they did to the One!
Cole: Sooner or later, someone's going to come along and pound them into the ground... maybe for good.
*Cut to backstage or commercial*
INT. LOCKER ROOM ? NIGHT
*Cut back from commercials*
The PPV Squad is standing around talking about what they just did.
Jay: Man, that was so awesome the way you just cracked that no-talent?s skull with a chair, Nick!
Nykk: Don't call me that! It's Nykk!
Jay: Whatever.
Nykk: Listen, he's small potatoes. I doubt he'll ever show his face again.
Croooooow: That's right, we've got bigger fish to fry.
Nykk: And you need to get some matches under your belt so that you can continue your winning streak!
Croooooow: That's right. Gunn may be bigger and stronger, but I've got something he doesn't have... the Irish temper! All the big muscles in the world can't defend against that.
Cheesecake: I'm th'ure those th'exy mu'th'cles could be put to better u'th...
Nykk: Like how, Cheesecake?
Cheesecake shrugs.
Croooooow: What about you, Huh? This is the PPV Squad's night. Share your words of wisdom.
Huh: Huh?
Nykk: That's right!
They all whoop and cheer.
Nykk: Now let's get out of here in case Billy Gunn makes a miraculous recovery and comes looking for us!
They grab their stuff and make a hasty exit.