(otherwise known as lard)

April 8, 2008

Once again, the Patch Sprint organizers have run into legal trouble amongst Salsa music lovers everywhere. 

This insidious story begins last month when Patch Sprint organizers spurned one of our own by not placing the TOP SEED in the predicted winners listing for this years 2008 Patch Sprint.  This was resolved with a written apology where, we are sad to report, Senor Roberto Andres Mercado's name was misspelled.  This apology was a olive branch held out to try and resolve the desecration done, and although he would have preferred a beer "branch" offered, he took what he could get.

NOW... ONCE AGAIN - SCANDAL !

A previous TOP FINISHER from the OPEN MEN'S category .. somehow has "bulked up" (can someone get Marion Jones, Mark McGwire, and 50 cent on the phone) and in a last minute maneuver is planning on switching to the Elite Clydesdale category. 

*  Is this to shame Mr. Mercado, the favored (cabbage) Patch child,  and hope he doesn't show up on race day ?
*  Is it due to the loud salsa music complaints which resonate around Camp-o-MacCready each Memorial Day weekend?
*  Or... to try and break up the stranglehold the Mercado clan holds on this race?  (Ike Mercado - oldest person ever to compete, Cynthia Mercado - 3rd place in Open Women's)

Well after speaking with our law firm, Duey, Cheatum, & Howe, we have exposed a glitch in their plan ! 

We realize that they have acted with complete and utter Mens Rea (God I love wikipedia for looking up legal terms I would otherwise have no idea what they mean) and inter alia, as per the bylaws of said Patch Sprint Racing Authority ... Mr. Ben Stanley is not allowed to switch categories due to contractual obligations and previous said affiliation with the Open Men's category.

Also strangely peculiar is the statement by one Ben Stanley where he is quoted as saying, "I put on 10 pounds of lean muscle and I am now a strapping 225" ... well, after we spoke to our accounting department they were able to decipher that had Mr Stanley gained 10 lbs which technically placed him in the Clydesdale category for all previous races (see figure labeled 1a for clarification).

(Fig. 1a)  225 - 10 = 215

 SO ... his previous runs were run illegally for not registering as a Clydesdale!  What other indiscretions can we uncover about this runner? 

*  He lives in Tempe, so not a local hometown hero (boo - hiss)  like the NY born and raised Senor Mercado, who grew up hiking and exploring the hills and countryside of Staten Island, NY. 

*  He is a member of the Sub 2:45 Club - which has supposed ties to subversive non-environmentally friendly organizations. 

*   In an interview on April 13, 2007 he was asked what the best thing about the Patch Sprint is .. his response, "It helps me kill two birds!.. with one stone " Sadist !

*  Lastly, after further investigation it appears as if Mr. Stanley is a Student Worker IV for Sustainability -How do you spell C O M M U N I S T?  
 

Scandalous!  Need we say more?  So, with no further ado.... we beseech the Patch Sprint Committee and hierarchy to  bequeath judgment and expel Mr. Stanley from the glorious and unmarred Clydesdale category, back to the land of cadaverous and emaciated Open Men's category. 

Please ... make this change ... if not for us... do it for the Clydesdale children all around the world