Degrees of Fear…
by nyb, 2002
	
     Have you ever wondered what goes on in other people’s heads?  
It occurred to me the other day that underneath that constant dialogue
 in my head was a driving force pushing me forward, causing me to focus
 incessantly on the future.. never quite satisfied with now.. but always
 wanting, always pushing.. looking forward to the rewards tomorrow will bring.
  What is that?  I mean, what the hell is that?  What would happen if I were 
to just stop, silence myself and appreciate the moment?  Would I find 
contentment?  Is that where peace resides.. in the stillness of “now”?

    Then I listened closer, and beneath the dialogue, I recognized an 
undercurrent of fear.  And it is my belief that this undercurrent of fear is 
the driving force in all of us.. only to different degrees.  What a terrifying thing
 it is to be human.. aware of your own mortality.. having glimpsed eternity, but
 with no guarantees.  I think this “awareness of self”, some might even call this
 “awareness” our very soul.. that perhaps this is what separates us from other 
species.. being self aware.  We have the ability to think beyond the known.  But 
with all things, yin and yang.. for along with this magnificent gift, this gift of being
 able to think in terms of eternity, to almost be able to touch it.. to feel it.. to 
sense the very beauty of it.. and with this comes the fear.. fear of the unknown, 
fear of our own mortality..

     Then I thought of my brother, as I often do.. and with all of his problems.. 
his addictions.. and I thought, ‘how loudly his undercurrent of fear must run.’  
Like a radio wave, those who go through life with addiction must be tragically 
tuned in.. the volume up.. mortally afraid of life.  And if we could only find a way 
to turn down that volume.. they could conquer their fear.. or in the very least, 
learn to live with it at an acceptable level.. like the rest of us.  

     Degrees of fear… the cost of being human.  So contentment must be some
kind of biochemical way of turning down that current.. the fear factor.  Like.. in 
instances of bliss.. and joy.. somehow in those moments, we’ve managed to turn 
it down to a nearly undetectable level.  It’s there.. we’re human, so it’s there.. but 
we’ve managed to manipulate it.. to overcome.  Heh.. overcome the fear of being 
human.  

How wonderful it must be to go through life comfortable with yourself…