"An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come 
to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, 
she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself 
through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, 
so she phoned her Doctor and asked him. Her Doctor says..."Your heart was located two inches 
below your left nipple."
 So she shot herself in the left kneecap."

   



"An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. 
Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. 
With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.  
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. 
At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat 
and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking 
it might be something he could recite during the service. 
It said: "YOU IDIOT ! GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE !!!"







"A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in 
his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly !"

   



"A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their 
small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy." 
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, come on, Dick, let's go home."





Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: OK..tell me about your new problem then.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I ?! YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!
Doctor: Calm down, I have to tell good news and bad news to you.
Patient: Go with the good news first !
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live...
Patient: Whaaaat?! How about the bad news?!
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday. (looking at his wristwatch) 10...9...8...7...







"A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing 
interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is 
still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes 
at dinner. 
So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at 
the doctor's. 
She says, 'Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like 
you suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the 
food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and 
ravishes me right there on the table.'
The doctor says, 'I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that 
strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.'
'Naah...' she says, 'that's okay. We aren't going back to that 
restaurant anyway.'"





A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this 
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts 
never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at 
least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I 
was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, 
"I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." 

The next week the old lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know 
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still 
silent...stink terribly." 

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, 
let's work on your hearing."












One day a teacher was asking her class to use "ABSOLUTELY" in a 
sentence. So Janet raised her hand and said "the sky is absolutely 
blue", the teacher said "no,  it is not,  sometimes is black or has 
different colors". Another little boy raised his hand and said "the 
leaves on the trees are absolutely green"  the teacher said "no, they 
could be different colors at different times of the year." 

Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts, 
the teachers said no,  I don't believe so. And Little Johnny said, 
"well then I absolutely just pooped in my pants!"

   



School Chaplain says that, now my motto in life, is work hard, play hard and pray hard. 
How about you, Harriet?
My motto is let bygones be bygones.
That's good. Why did you choose that?
then I wouldn't have to take any History classes!






College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them and sometimes with good reason. 
What kind of pie do you call this? asked one student indignantly.
What's it taste like? asked the cook.
It taste like Glue!
Then it's apple pie - the plum pie tastes like soap!


   


A son is calling his mom from college, and telling her that he had just got his degree. 
The mother says: That's great honey! What kind of degree? And the son, almost squealing with excitement says: 
The best one ever, a Celsius degree!






A bribe for your professor:
"A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. 
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. 
Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. 
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying,
 "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. 
This student got back his test and $56 change."

   



"Today in class", said Mrs. Johnson the kindergarten teacher. "Were going to play a guessing game".
"Ok here we go, its a fruit, its yellow, and tastes good". 
Little Susie raised her hand. "its a lemon!" 
"No I'm sorry its a banana but I'm glad to see your thinking."
Next one, its red, a fruit, grows on trees. Little Fred says "Its a ball, 
"No its an apple but I'm glad to see your thinking".
Little Johnny stands up and says:
 "I got one, ok it's long and hard, has a pink tip and is in my pocket." 
"JOHNNY!" "That's inappropriate!"

"It's a pencil, but I'm glad to see your thinking."





Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 
"Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight. Three plus four, that son of a bitch is seven�E"
 His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" 
Little Johnny answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." 

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. 
"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 
"What are you teaching my son in math?" 

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." 
The mother asked, 
"And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

   


"SEE YOU NEXT TIME!"

  






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