Performance Anxiety

Dear D,

I know this is a guy problem and I am a little embarrassed to ask, but my wife thinks that maybe with your experience you can help. We are new to swinging and have only been involved in a group thing a couple of times. I seem to have trouble being able to perform in group situations.

 S

Dear S,

This is the second letter I have received in the last couple of weeks with the same question. We all want to enjoy great sex. That's why we are in swinging, isn't it? I think everyone who has ever been involved in swinging understands that in a group situation, it's much harder for men than for women. To be blunt, guys have to get it up, and that creates pressure to perform. The common term for this is "performance anxiety".

Performance anxiety is particularly frustrating for couples new to swinging, but it affects all of us. Most couples become involved in swinging because the male half of the couple promotes the idea to the female half of the couple. That's really a function of how sex works in our society. Women usually take a less dominant role in sex play. The reality is that women are capable to enjoying far more sex than their male partners enjoy. Most men have no idea that is true until they become experienced swingers.

So let's go behind closed doors and look at what happens when two couples interact in a swing situation. For our example, let's assume that for Tom and Sally, its their first experience. It was Tom's idea to attend the swing party. Sally agreed to go along, as she is interested in what it might be like to be with another man, and she is very curious about interacting with another female. Ralph and Dawn are a little more experienced; let's just assume for our example that Dawn considers herself bisexual.

Our two couples meet on the dance floor and trade partners. The flirting (male/female or female/female) turns to touching, making everyone excited. Soon our couples decide to take refuge in on e of the swing club's bedrooms. Once everyone is naked in the bedroom, things get a lot more serious with a little oral sex to heat things up. Dawn begins to gently fondle

Sally's breasts while she is receiving oral sex from Tom. Sally responds as she is very curious with another woman. When women are really turned on they seldom wait for an "oral" invitation. Soon Dawn is between Sally's legs enjoying oral sex.

All of you who have seen this scene before understand what is about to happen. Sally is about to discover some feelings she had no idea she was capable of having. The signs are obvious: she simply can't hold still, the sensations are causing her body to convulse with pleasure, and she is likely quite verbal about it, too.

For Tom, the scene may not be quite like he pictured it. It's very obvious that Sally is enjoying oral sex with Dawn. Tom has given oral sex to Sally many times and she never reacted like she just did with Dawn. If Tom has any feelings of insecurity, his mind is working overtime now.

Let's take this a step further. Let's just assume for our illustration that Sally has been faking orgasms during oral sex with Tom. Guys, don't be offended, it happens all the time. Some of you have no idea where to find your wives clit or g-spot. It's not all Tom's fault; great sex requires communication and patience between two people. Many men are under the illusion that they are giving their wife many multiple orgasms. The reality is that she may be having a few, but not many orgasms during oral sex. The first time that Tom fully understands that is when he is watching Sally with Dawn. It can have a chilling effect on Tom's erection. Tom's emotions are going wild. He is likely turned on, but at the same time just a little jealous and possibly insecure and intimidated. Tom has performance anxiety.

What happens next can be even more difficult for Tom. Since Ralph is a little more experienced than Tom, he understands the pleasure Sally is receiving from Dawn. We can assume that he is more comfortable, so he does not feel the same pressure that Tom feels. After Sally recovers from her first bisexual experience, she begins to enjoy Ralph's rigid member. Pretty soon the two of them are pounding away and Tom is watching Sally enjoying great sex with another man. Tom now has another set of emotions with which to deal. Tom is likely still turned on, but since he is suffering from acute performance anxiety, he lacks an erection. Tom is definitely not the stud he was in his fantasies. Dawn is beautiful and she is doing everything she can to bring Tom around, but nothing works. Sally ends up having the time of her life, but Tom's ego is just a little bit bruised. This is why swinging is only recommended for couples who have very secure relationships.

I know that most swingers have experienced this very same situation. Conventional wisdom is that it's obviously a guy problem. Personally, I think that it is more complex than that.

Let's leave Tom and Sally and talk about another couple, Bill and Joan. In our example, Bill and Joan can be swingers, but in this situation, they are in the middle of sex between the two of them. Bill is pounding away inside Joan and clearly he is close to orgasm when he groans, "Tell me when you're ready, babe."

Joan is really enjoying the action and she is very tuned in, but she's not even close to orgasm. The reality is that, like many women, she seldom experiences orgasm during intercourse. Joan is now under pressure. She knows that Bill wants her to come with him now, and she wants to please him, but the reality is that she simply can't force it.

What does Joan do? The answer is obvious, in her efforts to please Bill, she moves s though she is in the midst of orgasm and begins to moan. She fakes it and by doing so, she goes to bed without an orgasm. Joan is the loser. She is suffering from performance anxiety. So much for this being a guy problem. We tend to think of it only as a guy problem because of the visible effect it has on men, and women do a good job of hiding it.

Swingers, both male and female, are prone to attacks of performance anxiety. We are at the forefront of experimental sex. Swingers are experimenting with new partners, both men and women (for us girls anyway) and in many different situations. We not only feel that we must perform to certain expectations, but also we make demands on our partners. We don't intend for our actions to limit the experiences of others, but that is exactly what it does.

A couple of weeks ago, Michael and I played with another couple. The couple played we played with did not come to the club together. The woman was with her husband. His fantasy was to enjoy her cum filled pussy after she had sec with a couple guys. He did not want to watch or participate. I recruited a young stud that I like to help out. We choose a room and immediately started fucking. The problem, our friend constantly asked the guys to cum in her pussy, telling them she had to have a wet pussy for her husband. You guessed it, neither of the guys could make it happen - performance anxiety. When we make even the simple verbal demands on our partners, we an virtually eliminate the possibility of orgasm.

Now that we have defined the problem, what do you do about it? We need to learn to have what Masters and Johnson call "non-demand" sex. That means just relax. Don't think about anything that is supposed to happen. Don't concern yourself with orgasm. In fact, take it a step further, don't have an orgasm. As soon as you take the pressure off and relax, you will experience that "Big O".

Since relaxation is the key to great sex, take more time before you go back to the party rooms. We all need to learn to flirt longer and better. Take time to explore each others bodies on the dance floor or wherever you happen to be at the time. As swingers, we all need to be more aggressive about putting our hands in our friend's panties. Girls, take a little time to introduce yourself to your new friend's cock before you are ready to have sex. Many times the girls play on the dance floor and flirt with each other, leaving the guys on the sidelines. Then they wonder why the guys aren't ready to play when they get to the bedroom Guys need foreplay too!

Guys, I should not have to say this but explore her pussy. You don't need to stick your fingers inside just yet, but touch her and play with her. Unfortunately, there is a tendency among swingers to shake hands then go to the bedroom to fuck. It takes women five times as long as men to get to the same level of excitement, so take your time. The art of flirting has been lost to many of us, learn to do it again if you want to enjoy truly great group sex.

Try a little more communication that will also help everyone relax. For example, if you want your partner to wear a condom, why not ask if he has some? You might, on the other hand, simply mention that you have condoms, so that he won't need to bring any. Do this well before you are in the party room. Don't demand that he wear a condom when you are in the middle of the action, and his raging hard-on is about to enter you. That will pretty much kill any possibility of great sex, especially if the condom is in the other room.

Once you get to the playrooms, concentrate on giving pleasure. Guys, forget about your hard-on and your orgasm and concentrate on your partner. Remember you have a tongue, lips, hands and toes, use them. Become a great lover - don't hang out for hours on end in one spot; her entire body can become an erogenous zone. Watch her reactions to what you do. If she is reacting positively, continue; if not, try something else. If you concentrate on being a great lover for her, an erection will be in your future.

Women can enjoy sex for hours; you can too, if you take your time.

Girls, in your enthusiasm for a wonderful bisexual experience, don't forget about the guys. Swinging is a couple experience, not just a lesbian show. Don't feel under pressure to have loud multiple orgasms, especially fake ones. Take time to explore your new lovers' bodies, all of them. Great sex involves more than your mouth and your pussy. Group sex is fantastic because you can enjoy so many new combinations.

Women are always in control in swinging, enjoy the power, give, and you will receive much more in return.

In many swing clubs, group rooms are not as conducive to great sex as they have been in the past. There are so many people who now go to swing clubs to watch others performing. They tend to congregate in the group rooms waiting for something to happen. In years past, the group rooms were filled with people enjoying sex. Now, many couples are there to watch someone else perform. These people don't really intend to, but they create a lot of pressure on the performers. Unless you are an exhibitionist, I suggest you use private bedrooms if they are available, it's much easier to relax and have great sex.

All swingers suffer from performance anxiety at one time or another. It does not always work out perfectly. The pleasure and excitement of great group sex is incredible. If you have had a bad experience, work it out and try again. It's well worth the effort. I really hope this information will help you relax, and enjoy swinging.