| How to Say an Honest "NO" By Bobbe Branch Article published in the MOM's Club's Newsletter; Carnation, WA; July 2006 We are all asked many questions throughout our day, and no one can relate to that better than a Mom of toddlers. I wondered if I would ever be in a world again where moments weren't filled with either questions or requests from children and also from my family and friends who knew that I didn't have a "real" job. One of my downfalls is I really enjoy doing things that do take me outside the home. Having the chance to use some of my skills that were getting rusty, and having adult conversations now and then was a big draw. Being the multi-tasking woman that I am, I also really thought I needed to fill those requests and answer all questions. Until I woke up to a new way of looking at my job description and learned how to say the word that for years wouldn't easily cross my lips, NO. For years I knew that I wanted to say NO many times, but my head gave me a myriad of reasons why it was not possible, and the look of disappointment was way too much from those pleading eyes looking at me. Often I would be lulled into the illusion that I could absolutely do just one more thing, until it was too late. I had said Yes and the wheels were in motion. The first step was learning to honestly communicate with myself about what had just been asked. Did I want to do this, and could I in fact fulfill the request? I learned to say phrases like: I am not sure, I have to check my calendar and call you back, Let me get back to you, this is not a good time for me to talk, Let me think about it, I already might have committed myself for something that day. This gave me time to look at whether I really want to do what is being asked of me. Even with children, you can tell them you need a moment to think about what they are asking or want. I learned to say my favorite new word "Hmmmm!" with a breath after. It buys time and gives you space to think and see how you feel. The key to my new found sight was enhanced when I attended a workshop by Byron Katie and we did an exercise on Responding with An Honest No. This was about realizing that an honest "no" to another person is a "yes" to you. It is possible to love and be kind, even when your answer is "no". People ask for many things. Below are some examples she gave for how to practice your honest "no" to requests, and still hear and respect that they are asking for what they want. Also notice that using the word "and" joins, while using the word "but" separates. You can use them to practice and add your own words that are natural and honest for you, and then add your "no". Examples: Thank you for asking, and no. I hear what you are saying, and no. I understand you would really like that, and no. I appreciate what I'm hearing, and no. I hear you; you could be right, and no. Thank you for sharing that idea with me, and no. Thank you for asking me, and the answer this time is no.. I can see that it works for you, and no. I want to please you, and no. I dont know yet. Please ask me later. I hear you. I care about you, and no. I really see that you want that, and no. No, and I need your help and support on this. Thank you, and no. I enjoyed practicing when I returned home. At first it was just like speaking a new language, not comfortable at first and then it became easier and easier. I find it is very comfortable for me to now tell myself the truth about what I want and say NO in a kinder, gentler way. |
 |