MY SICK
HUMOR PAGE
ALL THE
STUFF THAT GETS SENT TO ME BY ALL THE SICKOS THAT KNOW ME (OR KNOW SOMEONE THAT
KNOWS ME).
Motorcycle
Rider with NO FACE! (WARNING: EXTREMELY GROTESQUE AND GRAPHIC)
DO NOT CLICK THE ABOVE LINK UNLESS THE
SIGHT OF BLOOD AND EXTREME INJURY DOES NOT BOTHER YOU)
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and
sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye,
too.
He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have
black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue
twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the
most massive breasts in the world was there.
So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I
accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh', and she socked me a
good one."
The first guy replies, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a
tongue twister, too!
I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife,
'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'
But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'"
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his
wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she
stayed by his side. A few minutes later,
his eyes fluttered open and he said,
"You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of
"beautiful," it was now "cute."
She said, "What happened to
'beautiful'?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing
off!"
The latest Darwin Award winner from the Orlando
Sentinel:
Golf...the sport of the insanely stupid.
Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome, Everett Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball
washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone
are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his
scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante
by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus
wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his
threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for
Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the
ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the
weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one
testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while
the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the
housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to
injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro
shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining two were asked to leave the course.
PICTURES…………..WE GET PICTURES.
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Once in U.S. history an episode
of Islamic terrorism was very quickly stopped.
It happened in the Philippines, around 1911, when Gen. John J.
Pershing was in command of the garrison. There had been numerous Islamic
terrorist attacks, so "Black Jack" told his boys to catch the perps
and teach them a lesson.
Forced to dig their own
graves, the terrorists were all tied to posts, execution style. The U.S.
soldiers then brought in pigs and slaughtered them, rubbing their bullets in
the blood and fat. Thus, the terrorists were terrorized; they saw that they
would be contaminated with hogs' blood. This would mean that they could not
enter Heaven, even if they died as terrorist martyrs. All but one was shot,
their bodies dumped into the grave, and the hog guts dumped atop the bodies. The
lone survivor was allowed to escape back to the terrorist camp and tell his
brethren what happened to the others. This brought a stop to terrorism in the
Philippines for the next 50 years.
Pointing a gun into the face of Islamic terrorists won't make them
flinch. They welcome the chance to die for Allah. Like Gen. Pershing, we must
show
them that they won't get to Muslim
heaven (which they believe has an endless supply of virgins) but instead will
die with the hated pigs of the devil.
IS THAT A TRUE STORY?
VIDEO and AUDIO
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(Watch this one ALL the way thru) |
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PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN Wake up to hugs and kisses. |
A PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN |
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8:30 |
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8:45
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6:30
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9:15
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7:00
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10:00
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7:30
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10:30 |
7:45 |
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12:00
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8:15 |
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12:45
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9:30 |
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1:00
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9:45
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3:00 |
11:30
Blowjob |
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4:00
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11:45 |
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4:15
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12:15
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5:30 |
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7:30
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12:30
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10:00 |
2:15 |
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10:30
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2:20 |
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11:00 |
2:30
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11:15
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3:15
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4:15 |
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4:30 |
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5:00
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7:00
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7:30 |
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9:00
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10:00
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11:00
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11:45
Go to bed. |
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11:46
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11:59
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12:00 |
JACKIE THE JOKEMAN – THESE ARE BLUE!
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(WARNING! THIS IS THE SICKEST JOKE I’VE EVER HEARD) |
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Women's English
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Men's English:
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Yes = No
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I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
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No = Yes
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I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
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Maybe = No
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I'm tired = I'm tired.
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I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
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Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you.
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We need = I want
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May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
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It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
now.
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Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
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Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
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You look tense; let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle
you.
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We need to talk = I need to complain.
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I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
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Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
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I love you. = Let's have sex now.
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I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
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What's wrong? = I don't see why you’re making such a big deal
about this.
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You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
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What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
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You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
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What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
trauma are you going through now?
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Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
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I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex
now!
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This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
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Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you.
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I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper.....
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Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you.
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Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
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Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better
before.
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I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
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Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't
look that much different!
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Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
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Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I
am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
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How much do you love me? = I did something you're really not
going to like.
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Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have
sex with other guys.
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I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV.
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(while shopping) I
like that one better. = Pick any
freakin' dress and let's go home!
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Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
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I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well
together. = I am gay.
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The same old thing = Nothing
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Nothing = Everything
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Everything = My PMS is acting up.
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Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.
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You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
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Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
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Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him
until he falls asleep.
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I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is
important
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