Um.

By the time anyone sees this, it will probably be a week or so after I actually wrote this whole entry. I didn't want to plague my blog journal anymore with too much entries. It's gotten too crowded this March, and that's unusual. Even though I haven't been doing much of anything, blogging once or twice a week is...something to think about. It isn't normal. Not for me.

To start this off, it's 1:10 am of Tuesday, March 23 right now. I'm not quite sure what mood I am in, nor am I certain what I want to talk about. Why is it that I always get the inspiration when I'm doing something else or when I'm sleeping, yet every time I go in front of the PC or in front of a piece of paper with a pen beside it, everything just disappears? Must I always force it all out of me? Sometimes I don't think it's very much worth it if I do. I mean, I don't get anything out of this, so why should I do it anyway?

But I guess I know why. I do it for me. I've never been one to do something for someone else. Call me selfish, but I think it's the best way to live life--to do things, not for others, but for yourself. Doing things for other people is so...draining, especially since we can never hope to ever please everyone, not even if we tried. It just doesn't work that way. I like to do things for me, because that's the only way I get the satisfaction I need. I don't want to be plastic by saying something that other people would most likely say: "I'm doing this for this person because blah-blah bullshit." Trust me when I say that anyone who says this is devoid of all warmth, love and sincerity, because by God, no one human can ever be like that, because, let's face it--everyone has got his or her own selfish desires, and things that he wants to do not for other people but for himself.

Anyway, I'm getting off the initial topic. I haven't done much "forced writing" lately. I don't know why I haven't. I think I must have just gotten so tired of forcing the sex scenes out of me just because of a request for one fic, and a clamor for the other one. If it all comes down to, I don't know, the worst, I'd probably end up ditching the two fics altogether. I'd probably start new projects or whatever. Bottom line is, if I don't finish up those fics soon, they'd be trashed, because I'll probably get back the inspiration to them next to never. I don't know why I'm losing so much hope. Probably because I do so wanted to continue AFGM and yet still I haven't gotten working on it, mostly because I fear that I have lost all the inspiration for it.

The unfortunate dilemma is I want to finish it, yet I know it wouldn't do any good to force the thing out of me. I don't want to ditch it because it's been like...my ray of light, my summit, my goal in writing--that even if I hold something like that too long I can still finish it; that the journey is not going to end abruptly just when it's starting. I don't want that to happen. My life's already been an unfortunate road that split directions at every stop, and turned abruptly at the most unlikely intersections. Although I've trudged forward for the most part, there's no denying I've given up several paths on a couple of accounts, too.

But AFGM...every time I look at it, it's like I hear this voice inside my head that tells me to trudge forward, never give up, not as long as it's there and it exists. And I won't. I know it's been too long, but I'm not giving up on it. No way.

I've kept the thought in my heart that "there's no shame in fleeing to fight another day." It means that putting something on hold doesn't exactly automatically meant that you've lost. Giving something small up so you can work on something better means the exact same thing too. So...the message for me here is that it would be quite alright for me to give up on those two smut fics. Although that would disappoint a lot of people, the final issue would be me, how I feel about the fics, and if I feel that I can still continue them. Right now, fact of the matter is, I don't think I can. I've totally lost the inspiration, and when that happens...not even forced writing can do anything for me.

I've recently read that "writer's block" is "an excuse creative writing students give for being too lazy to hand in a project on time." If I want to end up writing for a living, I guess I'd better take this statement to heart. I've already experienced instances where I tried to force myself to write something just to get everything flowing. I've once been...critiqued for doing this, saying that quality suffers because of the "forced writing," but I think I've made the right decision when I forced myself. For one, I was able to get myself back on track, and for another, I got it done...and later on, when I looked back on what I've written, turns out things weren't so bad after all. I just had my mind focused on other things, but I was writing, and I was writing well. But the thing with that is this: I had the inspiration and sketch all mapped out in my head. It's different with the smut fics, very different.

I don't know if I have a cause to get annoyed at that person who critiqued me (I -did- encourage it), but for some reason, from the first moment I told her it was fine, she just started to give more and more critiques. That thing about the quality of my writing when it's forced was her third, I think. The other time, she critiqued my choice of villains in the fic. Maybe if I had encouraged her more, she might have critiqued my language use, my swear words, or even my format.^^;;; It occurred to me just now: seems like she had taken my encouragement for her to critique me down to a whole new level....like making a critique on every element I wish to put in my stories, maybe?

I don't know. Maybe that's just her way of making friends.^^;;; Seems kind of...crude, but hey. It might have worked for her benefit on some ocassions. I wouldn't know.

The last email I ever received from her was one I did not bother to dignify with an answer. Some weeks later, I realized I was mean for not answering, but now...I think I just remembered why I did not answer her email (I instantly deleted it upon reading). I might have been annoyed by the previous email she sent me with the critique, and I sent an averaged length reply that was written with a fake smile on my face (not noticeable in the email), and I think I nicely gave an offer that I would send her the...beginnings of this fic I'm creating which would explain things to her. I remember adding "once I get it done," though. So after that, she replied to me nicely. And then she sent a follow up email ASKING for the little fic I told her about. Pretty demanding, I thought at that time, so I deleted it instantly.

There was something I did not bother to tell her on email though...seems like at that time, she didn't have anything better to do than to read my blog journal, which is how she keeps up on my feelings and such.^^;;; I wonder if she's reading this, and I wonder if she recognizes herself. If she doesn't, well, she must have a very busy life. If she does, though...well, Apple: open mouth, insert foot, na? Most likely she'll be thinking of sending me an email which, after reading this part she will most likely not think about sending anymore considering how much I've said, in not so many words, that she annoyed me on a couple of accounts. How do you tell a person that, anyway? Hey, I'm sorry but I find you annoying get out of my life? Too harsh.

Ahh, what am I doing? I think I'm just feeling a little off...and mean. Yeah. I feel like being mean.

Right now, I've decided that I'm not going to be playing that online game just for a chance to get to talk to some people. Sure, I find it fun, but the fun factor wears out after a while, and tends to get overshadowed by all the bills you have to pay just to get to play the game. I can see what the hype and fuss is all about, but I am not the type to patronize a hype. I mean, come on, I was probably one of the handful who knew about that game long before it became famous. And now that it's famous...well, my interest has worn off. And then, there goes my online friends, getting interested in something that I'm now way over into. I think.

I might decide to play again sometime soon, but heck, I am not going to turn it into my career. I have better things to do, thank God. As for my online friends...they're free to play as long as they want, and I am not going to look anymore and check if any of them are online just to chat...except for one person whom I really miss a lot (and she doesn't play that game because she's from another country). Hopefully she'll be back on track soon...and as I said, for my other friends, email is their option. I don't want to talk to someone who's not going to talk to me, or someone who's only available once a week at a certain time. I guess they can catch me online if they truly want to...but not everyone is a vampire like I am, so I'm not expecting it. Point is, if they're there, then fine, well, and good. If they're not, no sense waiting around or trying to catch them. I've got better things to do.

Yes, I'm being mean again. I don't know why. I'm not really like this. I'm a nice person...usually.

I want to reply to a certain someone on email, but problem is, I don't know what to tell her. But I will reply, it's the polite thing to do. Maybe...tomorrow? (Aaack, I sound like a Tidus rip-off! And the next thing I know, I'll be saying, "Listen to my story. This may be our last chance...">_< Eeep! No!)


Matrix Revolutions: Too much sinspawn hanging around.

Yes, that's basically all I can say about Matrix Revolutions. I watched it earlier today, and all I could think of was..."that's a lot of sinspawn flying all over Zion...what the heck are sinspawn doing in this movie?!?" Yep. I was crazy, armed, and dangerous.

And then, while Neo was fighting my favorite character, all I could think about was how much my foot itched and how I would very much like to sleep. My eyes were getting heavy as Neo threw his kicks and punches and such at Elrond...er, 'scuse me. At Mr. Smith. Too much Rings hanging off my fogging brain (yes, I watched ROTK on DVD this past weekend. Three times. And I am still in love with Treebeard).

And oh yeah! Trinity DIED! Finally. She should have died on the first movie, is what I think (no offense to Trinity fans). That Neo/Trinity element in the story just irks me to death. It's like...the Wachowski Brothers' idea of a sick twisted joke designed to torture the likes of me. It's like...I don't know...a repeat of the Amidala/Anakin trash plot on The Attack of the Clones. Icky.

At least, just like Yoda in Clones, something impressed me in Revolutions (aside from the appearance of Sin and the plethora of sinspawn): the robots/mech. Yep. Of course, Smith's still the coolest, but...hey. A great part of me wanted to grab the PS2 controller and be the one gunning all the sinspawn instead of the Zion people. If there was a Revolutions PS2 game, maybe I'd ask my brother to buy it for me...he was the one who bought the Revolutions DVD anyway...

All in all, the movie didn't have much of a plot (choice and freewill and all that shitty shtick don't constitute as plot), but it sure was nice to see all those flying sinspawn...

I think I'd like to kill bug-spider Yu Yevon again, one more time...and I -do- wanna see Jecht again...

Hmm...I love Jecht...and Auron, and Braska...love 'em.