Lyserg the Saint, Jeanne the Seductress, and the Annoying Hao
by Apple-chan


Written in the midst of insanity over the completion of The Venice Incident and the lack of inspiration for Navy and Azure

For the initiated, London is First Base, Paris is Second Base, Venice is Third Base, and Athens is Home Run.*wink*

Romance/Humor/Smut. Rated R for lime-ish scenes.

Archived: Apple's SK Smut Fic Archive.


"Dammit, HAO." Lyserg glared furiously as he shut the bathroom door and tightened up his bathrobe. "Are you trying to give me a HEART ATTACK?" He demanded from the long-haired shaman.

"Iie." Hao smiled sweetly as he extinguished the lighted end of his cigarette against the balcony railing. "...I just wanted to greet you and Jeanne-san a good morning. And speaking of her..." he gazed around the room. "Where is she?"

"Bathroom." Lyserg answered shortly as he headed straight for the closet.

"REALLY?" A meaningful eyebrow raised. "And you just came from...?"

The green-haired Englishman's face flushed. "B...bathroom," he muttered.

"REALLY..." Hao's face broke into a knowing grin. "So...what were -you- doing?"

"None of your bloody business." Lyserg retorted.

"Hmm..." Hao tapped his finger against his chin. "So you were taking a bath together." He grinned wickedly. "How incredibly cozy."

"S...SHUT UP." Lyserg voice was muffled as he changed his clothes, but the long-haired shaman could sense his blush. "We weren't doing anything wrong."

A laugh. "I'm sure," Hao commented dryly.

"We WEREN'T!" Lyserg said defiantly, slamming the closet door shut. "We were just...taking a bath..."

"Right."

Lyserg exhaled. "Why am I even bothering EXPLAINING this to you?" He muttered under his breath. "I wasn't doing ANYTHING to her."

"Lyserg-kun, would you RELAX? I'm not that four-eyed bodyguard of hers. Even if you were doing SOMEthing, I'd never kill you. In fact..." Hao gave another wicked grin as he tossed his long hair over his shoulder, "I'd ENCOURAGE you. I'd even cheer for you while you're in the middle of the...act," he coughed, then gave the other man a sweet smile. "Ne?"

Lyserg sighed with resignation as he sat down on the chair beside the vanity and started buttoning his shirt. "You and Caesar should really meet."

"Oh?" A dark brown brow raised.

The green-haired Englishman nodded. "Hair and nationality aside, you two are very much alike." He paused. "Right down to the way you keep...encouraging me to get it on with Jeanne as soon as possible." He said dryly. "...And of course, your very perverted minds."

"Ah. A kindred spirit..." Hao leaned across the balcony and watched the other man dry his hair with a towel. "How interesting."

"Yeah." Lyserg tossed the towel over the heater and gave the long-haired shaman a meaningful look. "I can introduce you. Caesar, this is Asakura Hao, the bastard who murdered my parents. Hope you get along fine. How does that sound?"

A sigh. "Ah, Lyserg-kun...that was a long time ago. I've been trying to make up for my past sins. Haven't you forgiven me yet?" There was an honest, sincere expression of apology on the other man's face.

Lyserg rolled his eyes and sighed with resignation. "...I can forgive you, but I can never forget." He gave Hao a look. "No matter how much you try to make up for it, the fact remains that...you murdered them."

Hao's shoulders slumped. "Fair enough." He murmured quietly.

There was a couple of minutes of silence as Lyserg fixed his hair in front of the mirror using a feminine-looking lilac brush.

"So Lyserg-kun," Hao's face, which was quite somber just a little while ago, now had its strangely unnatural cheerfulness back. "...how far were you able to go this time around?" He was quite clearly referring to Jeanne.

Lyserg gave him a dark glare. "None of your business."

"Oh come ON," Hao wheedled. "I've helped you far a lot more than I've helped anyone else when it comes to your relationship with Jeanne-san...the least you could do is fill me in."

"NO."

"Why NOT?" Hao waved his hands in frustration.

Lyserg shrugged. "Because...it's between Jeanne and me."

"You, Jeanne-san, and the bathroom?"

Lyserg rolled his eyes. "When you put it that way, yes. Between me, Jeanne, and the bathroom."

"...And the BED?"

An exasperated sigh. "Yes."

"And the...where else have you done it? In that mansion of yours, I mean? Like...the sofa, the carpet, the coffee table, the dining table, the kitchen counter..."

"We're NEVER done it in the kitchen counter!" Lyserg retorted defensively.

"...But you've done it in all the other places?" Hao grinned sweetly.

"Yes. I mean..." He glared again. "Why in blazes am I telling you all THIS?" He wondered out loud.

"So..." Hao skipped inside the room and sat down on top of the vanity table, leaning forward towards Lyserg. "Were you able to go WAY over Venice this time around? Like somewhere in..." he waved his hand suggestively, "...Athens, maybe?"

A sigh. "More than Venice, less than Athens."

"Middle GROUND?" Hao gave him an incredulous look. "Is there such a thing as THAT? I mean, even Horo-horo-kun wasn't able to restrain himself...when he reached Venice, he headed STRAIGHT for Athens."

"Horo-horo-kun does NOT have any self-control. I do."

"...And even Ren-kun wasn't able to last not reaching Athens the second he reached Venice. He almost lost his mind."

"I'm NOT Ren-kun."

"...I don't think either Ryu-san or Faust-san would be able to last, either."

"Well I'M not THEM!"

"...And my brother..." He gave a wicked grin. "...London. He loses his mind if he gets over London withOUT reaching Athens."

"Well I'M not Yoh-kun! Wait a minute..." Lyserg glared at him. "How do you know ALL this?"

Hao gave him a sweet smile. "I know everything."

"And what about YOU?" Lyserg demanded. "What about YOUR sex life?"

"I have one." The long-haired shaman answered matter-of-factly.

"No you DON'T."

"Yes, I do." Hao countered. "I have lots. Lots of women who love me. My harem." He declared proudly.

"You have a bloody HAREM?" Lyserg stared at him with disbelief.

Hao nodded. "Hai."

"...Dear GOD..."

"Now, now, Lyserg-kun..." Hao raised his finger warningly. "Remember, thou must not swear using the name of God in vain. Else thou's wife shall never allow you to reach past London ever again." He gave a wicked grin.

"I WASN'T swearing!"

"Yes you were."

"I was NOT!"

"Lyserg-kun..." Hao rolled his eyes. "You WERE. I heard you. And I'm sure your dear wife..." he pointed his thumb at the direction of the bathroom, "heard you too. Speaking of Jeanne-san," he gave Lyserg a meaningful look. "When are you going to ask her to marry you?"

Lyserg was taken aback by that question. He didn't expect that, and ESPECIALLY not from Asakura Hao. "...I don't know."

"You DON'T KNOW?" Hao gazed at him with disbelief. "What do you MEAN you DON'T KNOW?"

"I just DON'T, ok?" The green-haired Englishman banged his fist on the vanity table with exasperation. "I mean, I haven't gotten up the nerve to ask."

"You HAVEN'T?" Hao shook his head disbelievingly. "...you're a damn COWARD. And I THOUGHT Ren-kun was the king of the cowardly." He commented dryly. "...Seems like you've taken over that throne, eh?"

"What THE...I am NOT a--"

"I mean, HONESTLY, Lyserg-kun..." Hao continued as if he didn't hear anything, "You reached Venice before either Horo-horo-kun or Ren-kun did. And yet Horo-horo-kun acquired a SEX LIFE before YOU did, and Ren-kun got MARRIED and acquired a SEX LIFE before YOU did." He sighed with desperation in behalf of his...uh...friend. "What do YOU think THAT says about YOU?"

"I have SELF-CONTROL." Lyserg insisted. "And as for the marrying part...it's not that I'm a COWARD, dammit! It's just that..." he sighed. "Although the subject -has- come up between us a number of timess, I've never...actually thought about it. Like, as in REALLY THINK."

"You've actually TALKED about it with Jeanne-san?" Hao gave him a curious look. "...when?"

"Right before Athens." Lyserg answered before he could stop himself. "I mean," he added quickly, "every single time...right before we...ALMOST reach Athens."

"Hmm." Hao crossed his arms over his chest, and tossed his hair once again. "...And may I ask, how many times, exactly, have you ALMOST reached Athens with her?"

Lyserg didn't answer. He could still remember what happened earlier this morning in the bathroom. She had begged him, pleaded him, told him it was not going to change anything between them whatsoever, and assured him that he wouldn't be taking away her honor by doing it...but he was undaunted. He respected her too much...he LOVED her too much...and he didn't want to take THAT away from her--not when they weren't even married yet, and CERTAINLY not in the bathroom...

"Don't tell me..." The long-haired shaman said when he didn't answer, "...each and EVERY time?" He flashed Lyserg a look of inquiry.

The person being addressed shrugged, as if to say yes.

"What THE...Lyserg-kun...what kind of MAN are you?" Hao shook his head in disbelief. "What kind of MAN has that kind of WILLPOWER? I mean, you've done EVERYTHING, and -that's- the one thing you're short of...the only thing left?." He examined the other man's face critically. "...Is that right?"

A helpless sigh. "Yes. That's right."

Hao stood up and gave him an incredulous look. "I don't believe this."

"Believe it," Lyserg retorted quietly. "It's the truth."

"You're a damn prude."

"I am NOT!"

"Yes you ARE." Hao interjected. "I mean, think about it: she practically offers herself up to you on a SILVER PLATTER every single time and you even have the damn nerve to REFUSE?!?"

"What THE..." Lyserg glared at the other man. "She does NOT offer herself up to ME. It's NOTHING like that AT ALL!"

"Is that right?" Hao smiled sweetly. "Well then, do PRAY TELL...what is it like?"

"What's WHAT like?" The green-haired Englishman asked blankly.

"You. And her," Hao inclined his head to the bathroom. "And your SEX LIFE...or lack thereof, as the case is."

"It really is NONE of your DAMN BLOODY BUSINESS." Lyserg growled.

A dramatic sigh. "You really are NO FUN, Lyserg-kun..." His voice trailed off as the bathroom door opened and out came a slightly damp and bathrobe-wrapped Iron Maiden Jeanne.

"Lyserg, I heard some voices. Who are you talking...to...?" The silvery-blue haired maiden stopped short as she spotted the long-haired shaman. Shaking her head, she rolled her eyes to the ceiling and sighed with resignation. "What are you doing here?" She demanded.

"Jeanne-san..." Hao raised an eyebrow as he watched the young woman walk towards the closet. "Nice robe you got there," he commented, eyeing the dark green bathrobe that Jeanne was wearing, which was extremely loose and extremely long on her.

Jeanne rolled her eyes once again and adjusted Lyserg's bathrobe particularly at the front. Then, she opened the closet door and began pulling out some clothes. "I would like to ask once more: what are YOU doing here?" She gave the long-haired shaman a penetrating glare.

Hao smiled sweetly. "I was just talking to Lyserg-kun about the status of your sex l--mmpphh!" He struggled as something that looked strangely like a balled-up pair of socks was placed inside his mouth, silencing the rest of his sentence.

"He was just leaving," Lyserg told Jeanne, smiling innocently as he flashed Hao a warning look. "...Weren't you?" He pulled on the other man's hand, forcing him to stand up from the vanity table.

Hao gave him a glare, and then, he spat out the ball of sock in his mouth, all the while trying to regain some semblance of his composure back. "Alright. I'm going," he muttered, tossing his hair arrogantly. "I still say you're a damn COWARD, Lyserg-kun--"

"GO AWAY." Lyserg snarled as he pushed the other man forcefully towards the balcony. "Leave us alone, for crying out loud. Jeanne needs to put on some clothes." He added.

Hao quirked an eyebrow. "She DOES?" He peered back inside the room, where the silvery-blue haired maiden was sitting on the bed, tapping her foot impatiently. "Do you get to stay here when she takes off that robe?" He grinned. "WOW, Lyserg-kun, that's...ITAI!" He groaned and rubbed his head. "What the HELL was that FOR?!?"

Lyserg flexed his hand and gave the other man a meaningful look. "For being a damn bloody pervert, of course," he said pointedly. "And to answer your question...NO, I'll be getting out of the room. I am NOT going to watch her take off her clothes, and NEITHER will you." He said with emphasis. "So GO AWAY."

Hao rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Lyserg-kun. See you, Jeanne-san!" With a final, cheerful wave, he hopped on top of the balcony railings, jumped up on the balcony roof, and disappeared.

Lyserg closed the door leading to the balcony with a loud slam, then he shook his head with exasperation and smiled apologetically at Jeanne. "I'm sorry. He appeared all of a sudden when I was coming out of the bathroom..." he paused, frowning as he noticed her examining him with a weird little smile on her face. "What?"

"Nothing." She gave him an innocent look as she stood up and wrapped her arms around his waist. "...So," she began as she smiled sweetly up at him, "did you mean it? You know...what you said?"

He raised an eyebrow at her, fighting back the desire that was clawing at his loins as she continued to press herself even closer against him. "What did I say?"

"You said..." She walked several steps and leaned against him, backing him against the wall, "that you were going to leave the room when I take off my robe." She gave him a sweetly seductive look. "...are you really going to?"

He gave an indrawn breath. "That depends." He swept up her damp hair and caressed the nape of her neck. "...Do you want me to?" He murmured, inclining her head up and pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

An impish grin. "No."

Lyserg chuckled. "You don't want me to leave, or you don't want to take off your robe?"

"Both."

"Both?"

"Uh-hm." She slid one hand from his back to his chest, her fingertips tracing the buttons of his shirt. "I don't want you to leave. Not without me, at least." She slowly undid the top buttons of the white garment.

He gritted his teeth as her hands spread his shirt open and began touching his naked skin. "...What about your robe? I mean..." he groaned as her fingers touched his nipples. "...You should dress up. And to do that, you'll have to take off your...robe..." he closed his eyes and tightened his hand at the nape of her neck as she began to press soft kisses to his chest, her lips traveling towards his neck. "Jeanne...your robe," he managed in a slightly breathless voice.

"See, Lyserg...the thing is..." Jeanne murmured as her lips ascended from his neck to his chin, "I was hoping that...YOU'D take my robe off for me." Then, she moved further upwards to capture his mouth with hers.

Lyserg's eyes widened as he automatically kissed her back, his tongue moving inside her mouth and tasting her sweetness. His hands slid around to carress her shoulders beneath the confines of the dark green robe she was wearing. He clutched the fabric of the robe abruptly as he continued to kiss her back, his mind still debating on whether he should give in to her pleas. If he -does- take her robe off for her like she was asking him to, no doubt this was going to lead again into one of their increasingly growing "almost-there-but-not-quite" sessions. Jeanne would be left desirably hanging again, and he would be left in extreme pain. And all because he refused to go all the way with her withOUT the firm, solid blessing of marriage.

On the other hand, if he pulls away from her right now, then it would be like...he was refusing her, and he certainly didn't want her to feel like she wasn't desirable to him anymore--because she evidently is, if that frantically struggling hardness down below him was any indication. He wanted her. He wanted her to the point of insanity...but he knew he really couldn't have her right now. Nope, he certainly can't. At least--not completely.

Anyway, he definitely didn't want to hurt her feelings like that, and especially -not- just because he wanted to restrain hhimself from taking away her prized innocence out of wedlock. Besides...it wasn't like he really wanted to struggle out of her arms, anyway. He wanted her so bad, and touching and kissing and having her in his arms felt so DAMN good...truthfully, no man in his right, full-blooded mind would be able to resist her--most especially NOT him.

"Lyserg..." Jeanne murmured his name breathily in between kisses as she undid the final buttons of his shirt. "Take it off for me...please..." Her voice was half-pleading, half-seductive as she pulled off his shirt and threw it carelessly away. Then, she slid her arms up around his neck and leaned closer against him, deepening their kiss which was gradually growing insistent, hot...and demanding.

"Jeanne...no..." He groaned against her mouth, pulling her tighter against his half-naked body, still keeping his desire leashed even though every inch of his body was screaming in protest.

"YES," She whispered seductively as they continued to kiss. When she pressed herself up against him much to the point that both of them felt every inch of each other clearly even through the confines of her bathrobe, the last remaining filament of his control snapped. Tearing his mouth from hers, he kissed his way from her chin, to her throat, to the side of her neck, down to her collarbone...and then, he slipped the robe off, baring her shoulders as he kissed his way there, tasting every curve, every inch of exposed skin. Moving even further, he tugged the robe downwards, baring her whole body up to the waist. From her shoulders, he traced a path back towards her throat, and then his lips descended...touching every single inch of her heatedly, until his mouth reached their intended destination, making her moan with rapture, her hands tangling in his hair as she pressed his mouth closer to her skin. "Lyserg...don't stop...please..." Her plea came out in a ragged moan as he raised his head up, temporarily ceasing the magic he had begun to do to her.

"BED," He told her in a hoarse growl, sweeping her fully into his arms and rushing as fast as he could towards the king-sized futon that was eagerly awaiting for them. He gently laid her in the center, and then, he followed suit, his body hovering above hers as he devoured her mouth hungrily. Her hands slid up forcefully around his neck and she pulled him down towards her, her body arching up against his, silently demanding that he lay over her completely before either one of them lose their minds.

Lyserg was more than happy to oblige. Deciding that he no longer cared one whit whatsoever if they ended up completely doing it right now, deciding that he no longer cared about honor, decency, morality, respect, or even marriage, he stretched his arms out--which was cradling the weight of his body--and laid himself fully on top of her. He continued to kiss her even throughout that, his mouth teasing hers, his tongue tangling with hers, their passion and desire reaching even higher now that their bodies were almost completely touching.

Jeanne moaned breathily into the kiss, her hands traveling down towards the waistband of his pants just as one of his hands simultaneously descended from her hair, to her neck, to her shoulders, then...at her front, lingering most unbearably, caressing her, before descending even further to her waist beneath the confines of the robe, which was still visibly tied, to her hips, then lower, to her ivory smooth, creamy thighs. He pushed away the offending garment of the robe impatiently, before moving further to stroke her skin. Sighing with pleasure, she raised her leg up, wrapping it around his back to give his hand better access.

They continued to kiss as Lyserg continued to stroke her thigh, his hand and fingers inching closer and closer to a destination in her body that he desired more than anything else in the world. Just before he got there, however, the journey stopped abruptly and he froze as her hands chose that time to delve inside his pants, insistenly seeking and successfully finding what -she- wanted from him as well.

He groaned into her mouth as she continuously caressed him, his hands digging into her flesh without meaning to. "Jeanne...we can't do this," he rasped out, gritting his teeth as the desire poured out of his veins in hot, blazing flames. Struggling, he reached forward to pull her hand away from his... "Stop it."

"No," She shook her head vigorously, her eyes tightly closed as she kissed him fiercely. "I want this." Her voice was filled with determination. "You want this. We -both- want this." Her eyes fluttered open, and she gave him a look. "...Don't we?"

Darn it, he just couldn't stop from losing himself every single time he looked into her eyes. God, she was such a temptress. It was like they were back inside the bathroom, once again, with him pleading her to let him go, and her pleading him that they were ready to do it...that there's no reason why they shouldn't...aside from the marriage factor, that is. "...We can't."

"Why NOT?" Jeanne's tone was defiant. "I love you, and you LOVE me...shouldn't that be reason enough?"

Lyserg sighed. He anchored his weight with his elbows so he could look at her seriously. "Jeanne...we've talked about this millions of times. I think we've also talked about this while we were in the bathroom earlier today, have we not?"

"...Yes." She agreed with a slight pout.

He gave another sigh. "I thought -you- were a former nun-in-training." He gave her a look. "...And you're a religious missionary. Shouldn't you be giving importance to these things? Sacred stuff like marriage, and sex...and love?"

"-Former- is the operative word, Lyserg," She countered impatiently. "And being a missionary has -nothing- to do with this at all. We're not nuns or priests who have sworn an oath of celibacy for life...and I'm sure as you know, sometimes even -they- don't last over that vow." She pointed out.

He buried his head against the crook of her shoulder as an answer. She -had- a point.

"Lyserg..." She raised his head up to look at him. "...Like I've told you earlier today, this wouldn't change -anything- between us. I won't love you less once we do it, and I do hope you won't love me less, either. And besides..." She smiled brightly. "I'm sure if something changes, it -would- be for the better. Right?"

He gave a small, hesitant nod.

"As for the honor and respect..." She gave him a fond look. "You've treated me with no less than all the honor and respect I deserved. Sometimes you even respect me too much. And because of that, I've grown to love you even more than I ever thought possible. But..." she paused, thinking, "...how much pain have you suffered for the sake of that respect? I think...-too- much." She proclaimed. "I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"But Jeanne--" A finger pressed against his lips, silencing him.

"Let's do this already," She whispered. "Alright?" Her other hand was still inside his pants, caressing him to the point of insanity.

He groaned, finally giving in. "...Alright," He murmured as he moved to capture her mouth with his again. His hands sought a path downwards, fingers caressing her thighs...and he moved even further, caressing the haven in between her thighs that made her essentially a woman.

She moaned against his mouth, her body automatically arching up against his hand as he continued his torturous assault. "Don't stop," she whispered fiercely in between kisses. "Don't...stop..." she gave another ragged moan as his fingers plunged into her. Her hands tightened their hold on him without meaning to.

"J...Jeanne...d...damn...." He growled out. His body was desperately screaming for release right now. Desperately...

A knock sounded on the balcony door, startling them both. Freezing in their positions, they gazed at each other with curiousity.

...Another knock. "Lyserg-kun, Jeanne-san..." Hao's voice. "If you'll excuse me, but you're being missed at breakfast. It's been over forty-five minutes since I've left you, and I think it's about time you both got down." There was a hint of teasing in his voice. "...Meaning no disrespect or anything, but you'd better just resume whatever you're doing later. It is essential that you both go down right now. VERY essential, indeed." He laughed. "And plus..." He went on and on.

"DAMMIT!" Lyserg hissed furiously, pulling away from Jeanne, hastily re-zipping his pants and impatiently grabbing his shirt, which his girlfriend had managed to throw over the vanity table mirror. He turned his head to her. "Put your robe back on before I open this door."

Jeanne nodded, pulling her robe from the floor and hastily putting it on. She then stood up and followed her boyfriend at the balcony door.

He turned the knob and and swung it open. "GODDAMMIT, HAO," He growled fiercely at the other man, his eyes flashing. "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?" He demanded.

Hao smiled sweetly, raising his eyebrow as he eyed Lyserg's rumpled, open shirt. "Are you trying to imitate my dear Otouto?"

"WHAT THE...NO!" The green-haired young man blushed profusely as he hastily buttoned up his white shirt. "I was...I was just..." he racked his brain for a plausible excuse. "I was..."

"We were in the middle of something," Jeanne's voice piped up. She stood beside Lyserg, holding the robe securely at her front.

Hao flashed her a wicked grin. "Oh, really?" Spotting the maiden's exposed thigh, his eyes widened. "WOW," he breathed. "...Well, Jeanne-san...don't you look RAVISHING today..." He commented.

Lyserg glared at him darkly. "What are you TALKING about?"

The long-haired shaman pointed at Jeanne. "Nice legs."

"What THE--" Horrified, Lyserg turned to his girlfriend, who was blushing profusely as her other hand moved to adjust her robe near her legs. "Hao...you bloody PERVERT!" Pissed, he unleashed his pendulum and summoned Morphin. Raising his hand, he hailed the crystal towards the other man's head.

"OOPS!" Hao's head evaded the projectile by a mere fraction. He flashed Lyserg a wounded look. "It's not my FAULT. Her thigh was in PLAIN VIEW for everyone to see. You two should really be more careful." He tossed his hair arrogantly. "...Well, I'm off. Lyserg-kun, Jeanne-san..." He gave a final, annoying grin. "Please don't keep us all waiting, ne?" Then, he jumped up towards the balcony roof again and disappeared.

Lyserg punched his hand against the wall as soon as the other man had left. "...Damn that bastard's timing." He muttered under his breath.



~END~



Notes:

Like I've told you guys...this is plain, pointless LysergXJeanne SMUT. Product of my insanity and perversion...and everything else in between. So now you know how much of a hentai I am.^^;;; Better watch out, I might come up with a RenXPilica smut after Navy and Azure.^^ Who knows?

See the second installment on the main page.^_^


~Apple-chan [October 22-27, 2003]