Jokes at My Page

1) Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

2) Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

3) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

4) Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love.

5) Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

6). Manager: Sorry,but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

7). Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

8). Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

9). Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken.Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

10). Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

11). Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife:I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

12). Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

13). Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son:That's why I say she's no good!

1.Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2.Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3.If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4.Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5.Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6.Bring cheerleaders.

7.Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the heck are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8.Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9.On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10.Bring pets.

11.Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country," and run off.

12.Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13.Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14.Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15.Come down with a BAD case of Turret's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16.Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17.Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18.As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19.Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20.Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21.Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22.Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

23.Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24.Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25.Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26.Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27.Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28.Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29.Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30.Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31.Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32.Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33.From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34.Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35.If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36.Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37.Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38.Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39.When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40.After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41.One word: Wrestlemania.

42.Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43.Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44.Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45.Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away, his full annually benefits PLUS $10,000.00 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

(Something Congress came up with!)

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.00.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.00.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man. "From the tip of my penis to the tip of my balls."

The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He

did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said, 'where are your balls?"

The general replied, "in Vietnam."

Maternity leave would last two years, with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

All children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 p.m.

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.

Women would rule the world.

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down

2. Don't make us guess: we don't have a clue

3. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

4. Sometimes he's not thinking about you. Live with it! He's never thinking about the 'relationship'.

5. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

6. Anything you wear is fine. Really!

7. Your brother is an idiot.

8. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work!

9. No, he doesn't know what day it is. Mark down anniversaries.

10. Share the bathroom.

11. Share the closet.

12. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. Nothing says loving like a blow job in the morning!

14. Don't give us 50 rules when 15 will do.

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.

Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out...

... carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday. ... and there on the couch I sat...

... with nothing on but my socks...

There was this man who was in a horrible accident,
and was injured. But the only permanent damage he
suffered was the amputation of both of his ears.
As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was
very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum
of money from the insurance company. It was always
his dream to own his own business, so he decided
with all this money he had, he now had the means
to own a business. So he went out and purchased a
small, but expanding computer firm. But he
realized that he had no business knowledge at all,
so he decided that he would have to hire someone
to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and
interviewed each of them. The first interview went
really well. He really liked this guy. His last
question for this first candidate was, 'Do you
notice anything unusual about me?' The guy said,
'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.'
The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the
first. This candidate was much better than the
first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man
asked the same question again, 'Do you notice
anything unusual about me?'
This guy also noticed, 'Yes, you have no ears.'
The man was really upset again, and threw this
second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview.. The third
candidate was even better than the second, the
best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked,
'Do you notice anything unusual about me?'
The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing contact
lenses.'
Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's
quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?'

The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You
can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!'

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found
himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. (Well, Bill.
I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the
world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I;'m going
to do something Ive never done before. In your case
I'm going to let you decide where you want to go).
Bill replied, (Well, thanks, God. What's the
difference between the two?) God said, (I'm willing to let
you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a
decision).
(Fine, but where should I go first?)
God said, (I'm going to leave that up to you).
Bill said, (OK, then let's try Hell first).
So, Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful clean
sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of
beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing
and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the
temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. (This is
great)! he told God. (If this is Hell, I REALLY want to
see Heaven!)
(Fine), said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with
angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice,
but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick
minute and rendered his decision. (Hmm, I think I prefer
Hell) he told God. (Fine, retorted God, - as you desire-. So
Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later God decided to check up on the
late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell he found Bill shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was
being burned and tortured by demons. (How's everything
going, Bill?) God asked. Bill responded - his voice full of
anguish and disappointment, (This is awful, this is not what
I expected. I can't believe this happened. What
happened to that other place with the beaches and the
beautiful women playing in the water?)
God says, (That was the screen saver).