McDonald's coffee on herself. The following are candidates for the Award:
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store.
The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son.
2. June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the
wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
3. October, 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut.
The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the
dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun.
5. December 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Clamont, DE., successfully sued the owner of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
October 21, 2002
Belgians Lead Push for Regime Change in America
By Phil Lebovits
Spurred by reports of an aggressive military build-up and failure to reign in corporate terrorists, the government of Belgium is pressing for a preemptive strike against the regime of George W. Bush.
"We cannot sit idly by and eat our delicious chocolates while the United States government engages in a policy of harassment," Belgian Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt said in a nationally-televised address to the Belgian people. "Now is the time for action. We cannot waffle."
Recent reports from Belgian intelligence sources indicate that the United States is now in possession of weapons of mass destruction - chemical, biological and nuclear. "We know that the United States has nuclear weapons and that they have actually used them in the past," intoned the Prime Minister." There is no reason to think they will not use them in the future."
Verhofstadt is insisting that United Nations weapon inspectors be given "unfettered access to the massive stockpiles" of weapons, and that they be destroyed
immediately.
"We stand at the crossroads," pleaded Verhofstadt. "Either the United States agrees to our demands, or we will be forced to put down our delicious chocolates and lead the way for permanent regime change. Remember, my dear Walloons, the current clique in Washington was elected in direct contravention of the will of the American people. Regime change will be welcomed by their citizens."
Reaction to the speech throughout Europe was swift. "We stand with our Belgian brothers," offered French President Jacques Chirac. "France is willing to commit thirty-five troops and many cases of fine champagne to the cause. We cannot stand on the sidelines enjoying our delicious baguettes while our comrades from Antwerp go it alone. Let me assure the dear Prime Minister. France is with you, almost."
Russian President Vladimir Putin did not mince any words. "Again, it is the powerful Belgians who must lead the world against aggression and American hegemony. Russia stands with her European allies and insists that the United States disarm unilaterally. I only wish we too had delicious foods."
Following the speech, the mood at the White House was one of defiance. "Let the Belgians make their empty threats," said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. "We are urging Hershey's and Mars and other fine American chocolate makers to increase their yummy output by two-hundred percent in the coming weeks. We intend to breakup the evil-doing Belgian chocolate cartel once and for all."
Vice President Dick Cheney was even more bellicose. Speaking directly underneath Karl Rove from an undisclosed underground bunker, the Vice President warned of dire consequences should Belgium make a preemptive strike. "We are prepared to strike back with alarming force," said Cheney.
"The Belgians cannot bully us. They may be the world's only superpower, but we here in America have God on our side. To hell with their delicious chocolate treats."
Verhofstadt, while unyielding in tone and substance, did offer the Americans a plausible way out. "I call upon George W. Bush to capture Sheik Kenneth Lay, Imam Dennis Kozlowski, and the entire Worldcom terrorist organization, and to hand them over to an international tribunal. The United States can no longer harbor agents of terrorism. You are either with us or against us."
Back in Washington, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and National Security Advisor Condaleeza Rice were trying eagerly to persuade President Bush that there was indeed a country named Belgium.