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I still remember the first time I met you. I walked up the stairs to my bestfriends house and saw two cute girls giggling to their hearts contentment. You with a devilish grin on your face and your friend with an outspoken shyness. I remember thinking Mark said he had dated you for a week and wasn't anymore and you were sitting between him and Kaitlin. So I was like ok, so I'll go for Kaitlin.. they both seem just as fun and good looking as one another. Then all of a sudden in the middle of the evening you start switching it up and changing everything around. All of a sudden your the one in my arms and I realize I couldn't be happier. More than that I could tell you wern't just intelligenee, but very aware. I remember thinking how long it had been since I had met my equal or anyone that could show me anything, teach me anything; I knew you could though. When I had pushed out all of the love from my heart and walled off all emotion so deep that not even my family of best of friends could touch the surface of it.. you managed to dive in completely. Over the weeks you managed to show me a loyalty I had never seen before in any of my friends or exs, even when I told you not to you would sneak out at all times and hours, lie to your parents, even once to Mark though that was instantly fixxed. I remember when Mark asked me not to ask you out and I gave him my word and me regretting it everyday since. I remember sitting on the living room floor wanting to tell you how much I loved you. I remember wanting to make you my girl. I wanted to share my heart, my mind, my bed and my money and time with you. As you so simply put it, I felt like I had known you for years. When I had learned to trust and love no one, you managed to find a hole in my defense and part it like the Red Sea.
	Then I realized you left me for my bestfriend, but you both told me you didn't think it would work out. You both said you would still have time to hang out. The first night I was in denial and withdraw of an addiction like I had never felt before; I remember thinking about Lydias father and his addiction to drugs... sympathzing with his struggle and finding a newfound apreciation for his difficulties. Despite all this when you put your foot down and you seriously told me to stop I backed off. Not a moment I regret in the least, but no less painful. Then I began to realize... Mark and I had been reliving an old battle, but this time he won and now that he had, he had no intention of losing hold of it and wasn't going to be coming around anymore. I still had hope for you though, my blinders were still on. I remember thinking that she just had a new boyfriend and was getting wrapped up in him and forgetting about friends a bit, it happens to all of us including me.. I couldn't hold it against her to be human. As I called I remember again thinking of my abandonment issues I had come to realize just recently and thinking well, she doesn't talk to me much but she at least calls me back. Thats somethings that my bestfriends of 5+ years don't even do.I kept thinking that it couldn't happen to me. It wasn't untill I realized after your birthday that you wern't going to come and see me. You wern't ever going to make the first call. Having all my trinkets I got with what little money I had left handed back to me along with the hope that you might actully confront your parents instead of hiding that side of you. As you left that day I remember feeling that withdraw again at the time, like a junkie who got half an impure fix. I was high and coming down again fast. Then later after youre allure wore off of me I began to felt almost taken advantage of because I knew that you wernt going to come back. I thought it would have been better if you hadn't come, if you hadn't return my calls. I remember laying there on my floor (err yeah btw my airmatress popped so.. yeah) and thinking back to all the times you had been in my arms, wishing I could fall asleep with you at my side. Just laying awake for countless hours of countless nights without end thinking that you wern't one that I could just replace like all the others. Knowing that if a thousand nights past it would still just take one hug to melt my heart and a sole smile to revitialize my entire exsistance. I know that I was doing what all guys tend to do and building you up to be this great and magnificent girl, but I felt like you had earned it as you were my equal and counter balance in every way. Always keeping me on my toes. As the days and weeks passed I einvitably realized it wasn't just him that had gone, you both had and you wern't coming back and there was no hope of change which is why I went on my verbal tirade that night across the internet. Then as the days passed and I got job I remember thinking it would be a good distraction, but inspite of 9 long hours of work and an mp3 player's volume being maxxed out, you still managed to slip into my thoughts. 
	One single thought kept reoccuring though, I couldn't let it go. It called into question everything I belived about myself. In my younger years I used to wonder what any girl could see in me. Over time my self image only steadily improved over the years I have been in Richmond from the time Alicia befrinded me to the night I met you. I came to belive I was as strong as I needed to be for everyday purposes. I was intelligent as any man that had walked the earth. As generous as any mogul you could name with time and money. A fercious enough lover to satisfy any needs. A kind enough man to win any heart if I could only spend a full day and a full night with them to show them all the sides of me. Every person I have ever been with always fell head over heels, Some claimed love after one afternoon of sex, others without ever meeting me face to face. And two messages made me question it all. While I am directly quoting this, I don't know if I will ever forget these words in the abstract. "The problem is, i know that with you i'd be happy. You'd respect me, you'd listen, i'd respect you, i'd listen, we'd laugh, we'd live so easily 2gether" ...... "But then again... With mark... I may not always be listened 2. Im respected or so i think &so he says. We might not laugh as often. But i need him inexplicably." (it struck me as odd as you to be so ghetto as to use the number, but I figured you were running out of room on that txt, a bit of an after thought.. like I said I thought of these two messages many times). I just couldn't understand how you could describe me as this perfect night in shining armor and not want to be with me, but then to hear that unspoken doubt of him. I couldn't understand it. When he wanted to be with you I was cool and understanding, but then when you were with him it was a guilt trip if you wanted to even see me. That plucked a nerve hard. Then I began telling myself we are all always human, I never thought you to be but one certain kind of person, not thought you to be capable of deceitful acts and manipulation that I had seen in others many times. Then for the first time I questioned myself and I did so many times in so many ways I couldn't begin to count them. Did she merely want to only be friends? Did she want something more and not know how to have something less? Was she letting him emotionaly controll and keep her from what she wanted? Did she only want some benefits to begin with and screw the relationship or friendship, is friendship all she ever wanted in the beginning and I emotionaly pushed her into something more than she wanted? Was she manipulating us both to get the best of both worlds? Was she just a pawn who didn't know how to react when caught in the crossfire of an old battle between two old friends who had learned to get inside of one another's mind? I didn't know then and I still don't now. After hearing you tell me though that you were officaly free to see who you wanted to and no longer exclusive and didn't want to come around though put the final nail in the coffin. To think you had every opportunity and excuse and simply chose not to, it hurt. There is simply no other way of putting it... I went to sleep on a mental benge unable to process the thoughts and feelings and woke up in a daze with hundreds of things running through my mind, not knowing what to say or do. Its obvious to me now that none of it matters anymore. I am again as dettached as ever emotionaly and soon to be attached to a new unit. You will go to college and I will go off traveling the world and we will likly never meet again. Everything and everyone will be just an old chapter in the book of my life. When I first began this understanding of my life I wanted all the finest things. I wanted money, I wanted the house with the white picket fence, the perfect wife, to read and understand all of the various holy books, to write a famous song, to construct a famous novel, to teach man a new way of understanding humanity and our limits and design. Now I see I simply need to survive this life, to settle with what is available at any given point in my life. I used to think things could be perfect and was trying to make a forward moving butterfly effect in my life. Now I know there is no such thing as perfection and am just biding my time untill I can move forward and forget this life. Hope that I find something to give me a reason to live in the next, because emotionaly and mentally I have flat lined.