You know what we need to do right? By upwards (or was it Uptown?) and add, literally, a new dimension to scrabble.

I always used to understand you perfectly even if you were an overwhelmingly amazingly nemo like daze. Sometimes I wonder if I thought I knew you much better than I actually knew you. Sometimes I wonder if that was the reason we never .. but it doesn't matter. You should have called when shit hit the fan though, I would have listened and helped despite our unhappy ending(s).

That really almost makes me pity the man, I was the one who mostly created and cultivated him into a lesser version of myself who tried to become something more and better and ended up like this. It almost makes me want to reach out to him, but at the same time I know I am no spider man, no super man. He is a grown man now for better or worse and has to make his own decisions and see the world from his own eyes and learn from his own mistakes.

Its funny, when you described him so perfectly colored as such I almost thought you to be describing me on many levels, but not all. He wouldn't drive me insane though. After all I am already insane and the one who created this paradoxical predicament. Can you blame either of us for not having as much life as we once did? You gave us cause to be excited about life again, it seemed no matter what life threw your direction you always had a smile to give. It was always very warm, very welcoming, very gentle.

I don't really trust anyone, but I never trusted Ian, now a days I wonder if he was one of the most truth worthy ones. Then again not so much, but he was no less trust worthy than anyone else and pretty charismatic for a fat guy ;). I stopped talking to Mandie when I went to visit her one day and she seemed absorbed in Micheal and like she could careless that I was there and I found out later that, according to Mark, she told Mark that she intentional left out her apartment number from her address. Not that it stopped me from picking out her house on the first try out of about 30 doors. That and she asked me about a girl I was with just to see what I would say even though Mark had already told her everything I told him, which was of course everything. So I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore. Alicia never calls and always blows me off and I think that is why her sister does as well, so I don't talk to them (though I don't hold it against Jess nearly as much for some reasons that I won't bore you with now). In short Lydia is about the only person I talk to regular if at all and the only one I truly trust without question or hesitation.

I didn't always think it was you walking by, just every blue moon I would catch someone with the same hair style when someone else giggled or did some clapping and my thoughts intertwined, spinning out of control until finally laying to rest on memories of you. For me it was mostly sleepless nights, while unemployed. Then during the graveyard shift at Walmart for some reason after I felt like I had moved on and closed the book, I just began to think of you while stocking the isles. Didn't matter if others were carrying on a conversation, if the radio or my MP3 player was on. All I could think of was you while I sat there from 12 to 6am stocking shelves for the most part. I still don't know why. I have no complaints, there are worse ways to pass the time then thinking of a pretty girl whos got the ability to knock you on your proverbial ass even when your guard IS up. Always liked that about you, amongst many other things.

That was my only regret about our time together, is that you couldn't look back on it and smile. That you felt the need to lie to be with me, I suppose it was my fault as much as anyones for projecting that desire to be the bad boy and now I have to live with the consequences. I don't blame you for following your heart nor can I blame you for not melting, that isn't your fault either. If anyone's its mine for not being a better man capable of such things. Though our friendship and other aspects were top notch up until you left. I could understand why you didn't (or rather couldn't see me), but to make it simple. Well it still sucked. When I think of you I still smile, but I dont dwell really. It was only last week that I was talking to Lydia about the last girl I was seeing and random thought about you and was telling her I don't hate you, just miss you.

As much as I wan't to blame Mark for placing a guilt on seeing me and as much as I want to say that your personal interactions with your parents is a result of your own choices. I honestly have no idea if I can or have the right to or not. When I start to think of that I just get a mind block. Its like the matrix trilogy. I can't see past the choices I don't understand I suppose.

Im not saying you have to fuck the world (just me). Hey I had to make at least one perverted pun so you know its actually me writing this, right? ;-). I am not even saying color outside the lines, not saying it doesn't have consequences. Just dare to add color to a black and white world. You don't have to have any misgivings about our past, you had no obligation to me other than any that you chose to place on yourself. Thats why we were so good together. No obligations or judgments, we just saw each other when we could and kicked back and enjoyed the company. No second guessing or wondering, we took everything at face value. I think I knew that you never truly felt the same about me, but I guess that didn't matter. I just hoped it would either come with time or I knew I would have to accept one day that you would want to move on. It didn't matter to me because I was moving closer to happiness with each passing day and you seemed happy on the whole. As much as I would like to say its your loss, it truly was mine and this much I know. I could never hold against you wanting a better relationship with your parents, blood has always run thicker than water. I did wish them to be less judgmental and more inquisitive though.

*Takes a 5 minute break to open Limewire and let his fingers do the walking* Ok back. That made me want to cry. It made me want to hold you and melt again in your arms. It made me want to throw my computer out the window in an unparalled rage, but it was too soft and kind, like your touch, like you. Then calmness, all I picture is you, my hand on your heck with my thumb brushing across your chin wanting a soft kiss as I see that glowing smile. And that image just seems to sit in the back of my mind at a crossroad with all the the other women Ive been with and all the miles I have walked in the cold lonly nights and realizing, this is love. You're still the one I want despite everything that was said and done. And while my heart doesn't grow heavy now and I don't feel that longing, I know it would only take one touch, one look to make me melt again. You always had that power over me.

I never looked for anyone particular to complete me I suppose and nor will I ever, but I happened to find you and you overfill me in many ways and give reason to my life. You give direction to a whirlpool of energy to take chaos into structure.

You should know by now despite my methodical madness to a max, I dont truly plan anything. I live in the moment. I find opportunites and take advantage of them. I am never jaded, but all of life is indeed pointless. Don't take it so seriously, no one gets out alive ya know! I have many ideas on many things, but something always stops me from carrying them fourth and going from a kid in the basement to a CEO. I know its me, but I don't know why yet. I will let you in on one of my ideas inspired by guitar hero, a desire to relearn the clarinet and many hours of walking back from the Henrico courthouse for a speeding ticket going down 64E at 75 in a 55 near the 95 merge over. The link is here at the bottom of the post if your interested, though I have yet to take it to the patent office.

Oh on a total off note, I have been brushing up on my hacking and cracking skills.. I am slowly getting better and going to begin studying to to create no-cd patches, activation key generators and the such. I have already worked my way through a couple of different programs and have others lined up. And if you ever need a copy of anything for school then let me know, I can probally get my hands on it. I already have Microsoft Office 2003 and 2007 as well as the Adobe master collection (including photoshop). So I am not college bound like you, but I am still learning. I never was like everyone else and as much as I loved that about myself, I hated all the sacrifieces I had to make for it to happen. I never went to a dance, never went to college or walked across the stage to get a diploma.

Back to the task at hand, again I digressed. I get distracted easier than I used to I th.. hey whats that shiny object!? Oh wait what.. nevermind its just a copper penny. Anyway as I was saying.

I always used to say, you lied to your parents and to Mark .. etc. I would be a fool to think you were incapable of lieing to me. But I trusted you, I never doubted you truth be told. I think I was trying to convince myself that more than you really. Ive never waited for anyone, I havn't been looking nor passing anything up. I just havn't found much that compares to my better days of past yet. Only one that did and she decided to be a bitch for a week because I hung up on her once, so I cut her loose lol.

I never wanted to write again after I left. I didn't want to mess with your emotions and your head. I thought that if I did something great enough. Won a medal of honor, created a program that was used in every country in the world, cured aids, something, anything. Then maybe you could have your curiosities satisfied without reopening old wounds. I knew you couldn't forget. I am as stoic as anyone I know and even I have barely learned to let go of anyone, so I know you could'nt walk away so easily, but I must admit I didn't expect this message. I should have though, you always did defy me in the most respectful and spectacular of ways and I was very firm in saying that when you left I wasn't going to 'hang around'. And here I am, being whipped again ;-). Thats why you did it, because its in your nature as much as it is mine. Alass we are but human... there is more to that thought, but I will end it there for now.

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Go to geocities.com and click sign-in.
nunnbt473
2alkaline!

Click the manage tab/link. Go to the file manager. Click open file manager. Make sure 'Show other' is selected (they are.txt files).  newmilleniummusicalmastery.txt and patentideas.txt > Click view just to their right.
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----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: with open arms and open eyes...
Date: Sep 29, 2008 6:46 PM


But that would defeat the purpose of Scrabble, which is to kick the asses of people with large vocabulary and bad spelling *coughyoucough*. =)

I don't think you can understand why I wrote. Hell, I have no idea why I wrote.

The Mark thing got far more... complicated after I told you (finally) that Mark and I were broken up. We broke up and made up about 5 times. I underwent so much stress near the end of the summer as a result that my body didn't really function and I was randomly 18 days late for my period, thank God I hadn't had sex or anything with him in forever so I knew it wasn't that.

He did let a woman come between you guys, but it's Mark. He was at the time an overly emotional, sky-is-falling, stubborn-as-shit, can't-be-anything-without-a-girl-to-have-sex-with guy. He would have made you insane, just as he made me alternately hopeful and jaded. He isn't a person to rely upon in any case, or at least, he isn't anymore. I think he used to be... he's just gotten onto a path and seems to... not have any real life to him anymore, whenever I've talked to him.

I don't like talking about him or remembering him, to be honest.
The only people back in Richmond that I am really trying to deliberately keep in touch with are Kaitlin and to a lesser extent Stacey, Mandie, and Ian.

I just remembered that thinking I saw you started way earlier than that. Almost every day I'd see some tall guy walking by the side of the road wearing a tee shirt or a leather jacket and I'd always check to see it it was you. Again, my emotions didn't go haywire, I'd just go on guard.

It's odd... I still feel like you are and were one of the most interesting intellectual challenges of a person I faced over the past few years. Being with you caused me so much emotional turmoil from all other angles though... parents, Mark... I'm just not a person who is able to say "fuck the world, I do what I want." That just isn't me.

I don't want to bring up these issues again, to be honest. I really wish you had moved on. Sometimes I wish I hadn't come into your life and fucked it over... I really didn't mean to... There's just so much hurt from all sides whenever I think about you... You haven't been present in my mind as a memory of happiness lately, but as some vague shadow in my past... Some phantasmic unknown, someone who I was comfortable confiding in but somehow not inexplicably drawn to... An intellectual confidant, but somehow a... past-time of sorts, a person to visit when I had the time...

I told my closest friend here at Tech about you, a little. I explained it this way... We would have been perfect roommates. We would have been perfect friends, had I not been so taken by Mark, wanting to make things right with my parents, and feeling horrid for your having an emotional connection and commitment to me when in reality, you were perfect for me, and I know this, but for some reason I never found myself melting in your arms. I was comfortable, I was relaxed, I was happy... but I never melted... and for that, I feel like the worst person in the world.

Please... become more realistic in your approach to other people and their motives, try harder than you ever have to make a plan of exactly how your life over the next year, two years, 10 years will progress, and for the love of all that is good.... do not let yourself become closed-minded. The thing that I liked most about you was the fact that you were always observing, always looking around, always analyzing... If only you would do so in an attempt to make things better and organize all your millions of ideas into a coherent plan, the success part would come a lot faster and I wouldn't feel like I have your misery as the blood on my hands...

Do not try to find female versions of yourself; try to find challenges. Try to find girls who will confront the way you view the world, who will make you think, make you feel happy and allow you to be yourself and rediscover/reconsider who you are. You and I are doing the same thing right now, and have been... What we're doing is best illustrated by song lyrics. Matchbox Twenty, "You Won't Be Mine..."

"Take your head around the world, see what you get from your mind....
Write your soul down word for word... See who's your friend, and who is kind..."

In fact, I'd highly recommend you listen to this song... It's ridiculously applicable, both to you and to me... Honestly, the only reason why I'm in my situation and yours is because of three factors:
1. Kaitlin, always knowing she's there for me.
2. My relationship with my parents.
3. My grades in high school and my going to college.

I'm sorry things aren't going well for you. I just want you to not become jaded and pointless, wandering this world as a phantom rather than as  your interesting, mentally active, thoughtful, insane, random self... I wish that for you. I don't want you to dwell on your past... I've certainly moved on from mine, and almost without any lingering bitterness... I'm on to a new part of my life, and I think the reason why I look happy in my pictures is because I have a few people I truly trust who don't make me feel guilty or... boring. I have a few people in my life that respect me and listen to me, and whom I respect and can listen to without worrying about what's going on between me and them because I know things will stay the same, that they'll remain a best friend and no less or more than that.

I guess I know the reason why I wrote...
I didn't want to get to be 60 years old with only a vague memory of a 20-year old you passing through my mind, and no way to get in touch or even find out if you're alive and well, married, kids, CEO, general, anything... I didn't want to let you get to Iraq and never be able to know where you are and if you're okay. I told you to write once you went active. I meant that.