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| Random animal violence Bit! |
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| Just when you thought it was safe to go to the zoo... |
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| SNAKE VS GIRAFFE!!! EAGLE VS HYENA!!! BEAR VS MONKEY!!!! just a few of the amazing bouts seen over the past few weeks in the animalympics. It was the ultimate contest: forget boxing, forget gladiators, even (dare I say it?!) forget wrestling!! This was the contest to end all contests. We set out to find the MASTER ANIMAL!!!! And what better way to find the MASTER ANIMAL!!!! than a series of completely unscientific, brutaly biased, random (not to mention fictitious) fights!? I think everyone would agree, science is not yet advanced enough to answer these pressing questions for us - the only feesable alternative is violence! FIGHT!!! |
| what did you think those things on giraffe's heads were for?!...and EVERYONE knows snakes have lasers. |
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| First thing was first, the competitors had to be chosen. In an ideal world a series of rigorous tests and trials would determine which hardcore twelve would make the final competition... Obviously that required patience, preparation and dedication...So we just chose animals that sounded funny. (please note: it was also at this point in making this page that I realised I couldn't draw animals...I am very VERY sorry) |
| and then the games began... (with special guest commentary by Murray Walker) |
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| helloandwelcometotheanimalympicswithmemurraywalkerimveryhappytobeherepresentingthisprestigious andamazingeventpleaselikemeandgoandbuymybooksoidonthavetobeamaleprostituteanymorejusttofeed myfamilyofreallyhungryfatflidpirates - ARGH! |
| (unfortunately at this point Murray was attacked by a pirate disguised as a police woman - we cant blame poor Murray, the disguise was fiendish) |
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| aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway! I shall have to talk you through the bouts instead, first up was Snake vs. Giraffe. First of all, and most importantly, the giraffe was fighting away from home here - so we're talking thick woodland, poor fella never had a chance! The snake got an early bite in and that was it - the giraffes only hope was to fashion some kind of medicine out of nearby doc leaves and its own urine. But lets face it, the giraffe simply lacks the opposable thumbs for this task. |
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| On to the second leg, the hotly contested Hyena vs. Eagle bout! Again, the surroundings played a huge role here - the eagle won the toss (trust me, getting an eagle to flip a coin is hard enough). After winning the toss the Eagle pretty much had it in the bag... ...mainly because the fight took place whilst falling off the edge of a mountain. |
| snake - well chuffed |
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| the hyena was simply too aerodynamic |
| The third leg saw bitter rivals meet in the Bear vs. Monkey bout. The Bear was at home here - but both coming from similar backgrounds made this bout the closest yet! The monkey immediately made for a nearby tree and took refuge in the highest branches (not standing a chance paw for paw against a bear) - here he began fashioning small wooden monkey-ninja throwing stars... ...this is where things got a little silly The horribly battered hyena made an appearence and distracted the monkey - allowing the bear to catch it unawares and drag it from the tree. Upon seeing this, the fly (a later competitor), attempted to even the odds and was simply swatted. Monkey nil, Bear one! |
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| monkey-ninja skills weren't enough against bear-strength |
| The next bout provided some light relief for everyone (except the fly) in Fly vs. Tiger. In a frankly pitiful matchup the flys' only hope of anything resembling victory would be the tiger simply not noticing him - unfortunately for the fly, the tiger was that hungry. |
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| tiger - peckish |
| Another mildly comical round saw Whale vs. Scorpion. Quite apart from the sheer size difference the poor scorpion was fighting away from home - in the middle of the sea. To even the score a little we did give the scorpion a small raft (and a little sailors hat) but the dim-witted creature didn't seem to understand the complexities of sailing - capsized and drowned. A little sad really. |
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| unfortunately for the scorpion - sailing is close to impossible with pincers |
| Finally we watched, with growing boredom, Rat vs. Elephant. By this point no one could be arsed anymore so we decided that the elephant just stood on the rat. |
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| rat - seen better days |
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| The winners of each bout fought until it was wittled down to one... and that fighter, the ultimate animal would face... |
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| THE DRAGON!!!! |
| Aaaaaand so the contest is approaching its conclusion, THE WHALE emerged bloodied and victorious from the ashes of the intense three way battle of the contest's semi-final.
Arrangements are being made for the culmination of this glorious and violent contest... (does anyone know where we can get a dragon?) A whale-water-suit is being fashioned by our technical staff as we speak, enabling the once water imprisoned orca to WALK ON LAND...AND FLY! (and play the banjo) The Whale will be inserted into the suit very soon, its weapons include dual gattling guns, shoulder mounted rocket launchers and a light saber. For fear of giving an unfair advantage - the Dragon will be provided with a silver-service steak dinner and a makeover prior to the showdown to re-balance the odds. Special guest adjudication will come in the form of the fly, a special microscopic whistle and black and white striped shirt has been especially engineered for the fly who when asked to comment on this amazing technological breakthrough replied: "buzz" Who will win? YOU decide... It will be an interesting fight... |