-or-
Harry Potter and the Cameo Appearance
Inside, the Bebop was anything but quiet. Accusations were being flung about very loudly. It would seem, to the casual observer, that something intensly valuable had gone missing. This would prove true -to the members of the Bebop.
"Come on, we all know it was you, Faye -just admit it so we can end this," said a man casually reclining on a dingy sofa. A half-smoked cigarette haphazardly hanging from his lips.
"ME?! How do we know it wasn't you??" screeched a woman in revealing latex clothing.
The man on the sofa ignored the accusation in favor of his cigarette. Standing behind the sofa, arms crossed and eyes closed in irritation, was a large scarred and bearded individual. The term 'grizzled veteran' generally sprang to mind as a most accurate description.
Jet sighed and responded in the other's place, "Spike hates bellpeppers. Always has. He only eats them because they're hot, cooked, and set in front of him." Jet opened his eyes long enough to squint at Faye, "There's no way he would go out of his way to dig them out of a hidden compartment..."
"You guys are unbelievable," Faye huffed. She pulled her red shirt up around her shoulders and began to storm out.
"Hey!" said Jet shocked, "Come back here, we're not done-"
"Let her go, Jet," Spike sighed, "This is the third time this week. I told you, this is what happens when you let women like her on." Spike took a drag off his cigarette and realized it was down to the butt. Digging in his jacket pocket failed to locate his pack of smokes, then he remembered setting them on the table. They were no longer there. Then Spike remember that Faye had helped herself to one... "Hey!" he shouted, half standing, "Faye! That's my last pack Faye!" and he took off after her.
Jet stood alone shaking his head. That woman was more trouble than Spike. Why did he put up with these people? On his Bebop! Spike and Faye -not to meantion the kid and dog... Say, where was Ed anyway?
Now that he thought about it, he hadn't seen Ed or Ein for days... Jet grunted as he tried to decide wether to seek Ed or to seek peace with his bonsai...
Jet was having a tough time deciding. He could trim the lower branches on 'Mingus' or give them a bit more time to grow. He decided to wait and instead turned his attention to 'Coltrane', who had gone far too long without his due attention. Coltrane had sat on one of the lower shelves for more than a month, unattended. But Jet could hardly be blamed for this, for no matter what he did Coltrane's branches were getting weaker.
Well, maybe it was Jet's fault... He had tried an experimental fertillizer on Coltrane a while back and John had become addicted. Without it he was dying. And with it his branches were rotting off from the inside.
As Jet was bending one of Coltrane's limbs to test its brittleness, a pair of tiny hands suddenly clasped his eyes joined by a voice that piped, "Whadda ya doin' Jetty Wetty?"
The limb snapped in Jet's surprised hands, causing him to curse under his breath. He set the mangled bonsai down and attempted to dislodge Ed -who was even now clambering to crawl atop his head.
Ed managed to make it halfway up one of her favorite mountains before Jet grabbed her shoulders and lifed her off and over him to set her down face to face. Ed pouted for nearly a full second and then started tugging on Jet's ears, all the while making 'vrroom, vrroom' sounds.
"Stop that," Jet said as he reared his head back, putting his ears out of Ed-reach, "Where have you been anyway?"
Instead of answering in words Ed thought it would be much more fun to answer in dogish yaps and odd body contortions. Ein whined at the racket from somewhere out in the corridor, prompting Ed to run out from the room.
Picking up Ein and holding him at arms length she twirled down the corridor and was gone.
Jet thought it just might be possible to save Coltrane's newly broken limb. It was only broken half through and the wood inside seemed healthy. A little tape, let him grow a bit, and maybe...
"Hey Jet, you got a call from one of your ISSP buddies -says it's about a bounty..."
Jet swore as he held Coltrane's tiny limb in his hand. A thin strip of tape trailing back to John as he lay on his side on the floor where Jet had dropped him at the sound of Spike's voice.
"What kind of bounty?" Jet asked as he gently set Coltrane back on the shelf.
"Won't say. He wants to tell you about it."
"Tell him to hold his horses, I'll be right there," Jet sighed.
Standing, with a sad glimpse at John, Jet left his tiny bonsai population behind.
"Jet! It's good to see you, how is the Black Dog these days?" said an excited old cop through the monitor.
"Hungry," said Jet, not mincing words.
"I understand that. Records show you haven't had a bounty in three weeks -and that was only a petty dealer... But don't worry! I got something big! Real big, and they haven't made it public yet -the Chief owns me a favor, I took him on his first rounds back when he was a rookie." the old cop sounded a bit bitter at being over-looked for promotion, or maybe Spike just imagined it.
Spike was leaning disinterested against a bulkhead. Curiously, he was not smoking.
"So how big is this bounty? The Bebop needs maintenance and these days it's more like a boarding house around here -we need to eat." Jet scratched his beard thoughtfully.
"You think 20 million woolongs will be enough to feed you and your guests?" said the old cop with a sly smile. Spike was now officially interested, if somewhat suspicious.
"20 million? This a Syndicate bounty?" Spike asked, looking for cigarettes that weren't there.
"Who's that?" the old cop was frantic.
"Relax," Jet waved him off, "That's just my partner, he's cool. Tell me about this guy, what kind of bounty is it? Sounds dangerous for so many woolongs..."
The old ISSP man was calmer thanks to Jet, and so, flashed the bounty report on the monitor, "I'm not sure exactly what this guy did, seems he's mostly wanted in connection with another man -apparently this other guy is a very dangerous individual, but I can't find anything on him, hell, I couldn't even find his name."
"This guy doesn't seem that tough to me, but what's with that hat?" Spike asked as he crowded Jet for the monitor.
"I don't know -he's wearing it in every picture we have of him... Er, there is sort of a catch..." the veteran cop seemed reluctant to go on.
"I knew it," Spike threw up his hands and walked away from the monitor.
"Go on," Jet urged his friend.
"Well...it might be just a bit difficult to actually get your hands on him. You see he's on..." Both Jet and Spike blanched at the mention of the planet, "And the actual place he's hiding in...well, it's a school sort of, and...."
Spike and Jet were silent as they walked down the corridor to the Bebop's common room. Spike's hands were comfortably resting in his pockets, a crumpled, half smoked cigarette he'd found there hung unlit in his mouth. Both were wondering just how they could pull off this bounty. It would be difficult, sure, but they needed the woolongs. They really, really needed this bounty.
"Hey, Jet," Spike layed on one of the sofas.
"Yeah, Spike?" Jet was thinking of just how to work this.
"Promise me," he said tiredly, "Whatever we do, we don't include her in it, okay?"
Hanging his head low, Jet said, "Yeah sure -just tell me how we can pull this off anyway..."
Just then a ball of Ed, Ein, and Ed's homemade computer rolled into the common room. Unfolding herself, Ed proceeded to plug a dangerously thick cable into one of the Bebop's computer connections. Ein, glad to be free for the moment, trotted over to Jet and whined in a hungry manner.
"Hey, Spike?" Jet said cautiously.
"Yeah, Jet?" Spike said with his eyes closed, trying to sleep.
"I think I just figured out how to pull off this bounty job..."
"Come on Ed..." It wasn't going to work. Jet was using the wrong tact. Spike decided to step in.
"You hungry, Ed?" he asked nonchalantly.
Ed's stomach spoke more loudly than she did, "Ed's very hungry! Does nice Spikey have food for Ed?"
"No, and do you know why we don't have any food?" Ed shoke her head sadly. "Because, Ed, we don't have any money to buy food," Spike continued, "And do you know why we don't have any money for food?"
Ed was frustrated, "Edward doesn't know!"
"Because we haven't had a bounty in three weeks. And do you know the other reason?"
Edward was becoming sad, and wanted to go play with Ein. The concept of money was a bit difficult for her to grasp anyway. Why should Ed have to pay for food? Everyone needed food. So it wasn't right to keep it from someone just because they hadn't caught any bad guys.
"Because, Ed...are you listening," Ed claimed she was. "We have a kid and a dog and a Faye -and none of these things ever makes or shares any bounties. So I'm going to ask one more time -will you do it?"
Ed smiled and flopped on a sofa in a melodramatic pose, "Edward will catch the bounty for Spike, and food..."
"Great! And I guess they'll even feed you at this school....Dogwarts, was it?" he turned to Jet.
"Hogwarts," he corrected Spike, "Amazing, how do you hold a conversation with her?"
"Easy," Spike layed down on a sofa, "Money is no use to a hacker -she can get anything she wants on that computer of hers. But food, on the other hand...."
Ed ignored the grown-up's conversation and was playing with the net. She had pulled her goggles down and was searching for information on 'Hogwarts'. Ed could be flighty, some might even say insane, but she wasn't stupid. She wanted to know just what she was getting in to.
"Magic School!" she yelled happily, waking Spike.
"Ungh?" he rolled away from her. Suddenly she was sitting on him, happily bouncing and yelling 'magic school, magic school, magic school' over and over.
"What? Get off me-" he managed to scrape her onto the floor.
Her arms flailed wildy about and then wrapped around him in a vicious animal hug, "Spikey's gonna send Ed to magic school!"
Despite Spike's resolution Faye had found out about the bounty -everything but the actual amount. It would have been impossible to keep it from her for long. She would have figured it out when they only stopped at Mars for a short blackmarket shopping spree.
"Magic school? How are you going to enroll Ed in a magic school?" she asked in feigned indifference.
"The planet it's on has almost no modern technology. We stop at Mars, get a few gadgets, fake it, and she's in," Spike's answer still had a bit of anger over his cigarettes. "Beside," he added, "Magic's not real anyway."
"Shows how much you know! When my people were roaming the stars, we-"
Spike interrupted, "Thought we were done with these made-up revelations?"
It was about then that Faye remembered they knew as much of her past as she herself did. She stopped arguing and sat back to watch Jet trying to force Ed into a dress. He wasn't having much success, until he tried Spike's tact.
Once convinced that food and magic school were dependant on her wearing a dress for a little while, she readily complied.
"Hey look, our kid's a girl," Spike deadpanned, "Now all we have to do is find some suitably magical gadgets and we're in."
A certain dark alleyway on Mars proved to be very profitable. All manner of compact high-tech wizardry could be had -for a price. Unfortunately, they were flat-broke and bounties were slim. Swallowing their pride, Spike and Jet set out for small time bounties.
Two petty theives, a zip-craft jacker, and three 'alleged' gang members later and they had enough to buy a few low quality trinkets. With just enough left over for two bowls of noodles, a can of dog food, and three stale rolls.
Ed didn't complain that the rolls they brought her were stale. It was all she could do to not choke as she tried to swallow two at a time, whole. Ein was content with a full belly, and Jet and Spike had eaten their noodles on Mars. Faye, however, was irate as usual.
"Anything?!?" Seems she was upset at a distinct lack of food for her.
"Look," Spike said casually as he lit a cigarette from his fresh pack, "You knew what we were doing, you could've come along and grabbed a quick bounty -it's your own fault."
"You two keep it down," Jet said, ignoring them as they went into their old routine. He was more interested in Ed's work.
Ed had had the singularly important job of forging the Hogwarts acceptance, admission, letter. She had performed an amazing feat, the document was indistinguishable from the photo they had been faxed by Jet's friend.
"Wait a minute," Jet said disappointedly,
"HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY
UNIFORM
First-year students will require:
1. Three sets of plain work robes (black)
2. One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear
3. One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)
4. One winter cloak (black, silver fastenings)
Please note that all pupils' clothes should carry name tags "
Jet sighed, "It goes on like this. Course books, wand, cauldron, and on and on..."
Spike shrugged and said, "We'll just have to worry about that when we get there..."
When they got there the crew of the Bebop discovered it was a bit more difficult than Spike had assumed. First there had been the problem of ditching the ship itself so that none of the locals would be startled out of their primitive minds. This was accomplished through the use of a large, unpopulated forest.
That is when the issue of transportation arose. They couldn't very well go tearing through downtown in the Swordfish II, Red Tail, or Hammerhead. And the severe lack of funds that prompted the Bebop to take on this bounty would prevent them from legally obtaining a vehicle.
And so it would fall to Faye to 'acquire' a suitable conveyance. This was simply accomplished by Spike informing Faye of the purposed reward.
"20 million woolongs?! Well why didn't you say so before?" Faye was begining to get irritated at always being left out. True, she rarely shared her own bounties -but this was different.
Spike merely lit another cigarette in reply.
"Of course, I get half for playing such an instrumental role-"
"Twenty percent," Spike interrupted casually.
Faye huffed, threw hers arms in the air, and walked about in a small circle, "Twenty percent?!! Forty-five!"
"Twenty-five," Spike was really enjoying the fresh air as he filled it with nice smoke.
This went on for a while, back and forth, before Jet stepped in and agreed to give Faye one full third plus extra shower-time.
Faye stuck her tongue out at Spike as she pulled her lower right eyelid down, "I'll just go see what I can find then,"
Turning to Jet, Spike asked, "Are sure you want her to go?"
"Hey, it was your idea to bring her in, partner," came the tired reply.
Faye called over her shoulder as she left the forest clearing they were in, "You wouldn't be able to drive anyway..."
"I've driven before..."
"Not cars like this, you haven't," Faye called as she disappeared behind some foliage.
"This is the best you could do, I suppose?" Spike said disappointed as Faye sat proudly behind the wheel of what she called a 'mini'.
"Think you could do better?" she called archly.
"Say Jet," Spike turned as he spoke, "Isn't this the same car that anime character drives? What's his name...Wolf, or something. Has that samurai, and a gangster with him?"
Jet cleared his throat gruffly, "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about." Jet called for Ed a few times but she failed to show, "What now?" he pleaded.
They managed to track down Ein, who was standing beneath a large tree and barking. Squinting, you could just make out what appeared to be a red haired animal up near the top.
"Ed! Get down here," Jet yelled up to her.
Ed yelled something that, from that distance, vaguely sounded like 'catch Ed' and leapt from the tree. Plummeting much too fast for Jet to get out of the way, she landed squarely on his bald head.
When Jet climbed back to his feet he took Ed by the collar and drug her to their car. Knotting the seatbelt around her, Jet felt sure they could continue with no more interruptions.
There were less magic stores in town than had been previously assumed. The few they managed to find consisted mainly of cheap gimickry. Spike went out to inquiry after a shop that would sell the proper school supplies.
When he returned he was not in a good mood, "These people don't even beleive in magic; why do thet have a magic school?"
No one had an answer until Ed spotted an elderly man in a dress, "Ed sees Magic Man."
Spike was doubtful, but he decided it was their best lead. When questioned the man was clearly lying about his own belief in the occult. And when threatened he was even more clearly denying his own words when, he pulled a wand out in defense.
"What're you going to do with that? Poke my eye out," Spike said as he casually leaned against the alley wall, preventing the man from escaping.
"I'll have you know, this is my unicorn hair wand! And I can --hey!" Spike plucked the wand from the man's fingers.
"Unicorn hair? Looks like wood to me," he said as he inspected the wand, bending it slightly.
"Be careful with that! The hair is inside the wand," so saying he took a swipe at the wand, only to have Spike pull it just out of reach.
"Maybe I should take a look?" he bent the wand a bit more and there was the faintest crack of wood at the breaking point. "Or you could just tell me where you got it, and I could get my own..." Spike considered himself very nice for giving the man an out.
"Diagon Alley! Diagon Alley!" the man screamed as Spike continued to bend the wand.
"Uh hunh, and where is Diagon Alley?" still holding the wand just out of reach.
"Behind the Leaky Cauldron! It's a wizard's pub! It's between a book store and a record shop -please, give me back my wand..." the man looked so pathetic that Spike didn't have the heart to snap the wand in two. Instead he smiled and flicked it over his shoulder where it landed in a large pile of garbage.
Whistling happily, Spike made his way back to the others.
They drove past the Leaky Cauldron three times before Jet happened to spot it by accident while reading an advertisment for 'The Worst Band Ever: A documentary about the IHS' in the record shop window. Parking the car half on the curb, Faye cut the engine and climbed out to stretch. Spike banged his door on a fire hydrant and had to climb past the steering wheel to exit out of Faye's open door.
The Leaky Cauldron was like your typical Mars dive, save that most of the patrons were wearing dresses and pointy hats. It was particularly disturbing to see the older men happily wearing their gayest robes, and chattering excitedly about some claymaker, sculpture, or some other thing related to potting or potters.
After a few not-so-discreet inquiries, they were directed to the rear of the pub with the merry refrain of, "Potter's there also! You can actually meet him! Such a nice boy..."
"Uh, yeah...loved that thing he did a while back..." Spike called back vaguely.
"As do we all, lad. As do we all..." the bartender replied soberly.
When they exited the rear of the Leaky Cauldron Spike turned to Jet, "What do you suppose that was all about?"
"Beat's me," he shrugged, "I guess these wizard types really like their pottery."
It was obvious by looking around, that Diagon Alley was nothing more than an empty courtyard. Weeds, trash can, brick wall, empty. Giving the courtyard a thorough once-over turned up no secret passages, doors, or anything useful.
Thirty minutes later they were sitting around the empty courtyard discussing what to try next, "We could always go back inside and ask someone..." Jet and Spike ignored Faye. As did Ed who was walking alongside the wall on her hands.
"Damn!" Spike said standing and kicking the garbage can out of his way, "That old man lied to me! I'm going to find him and," so saying he punched the wall behind him in three successive blows. Jumping quickly back he exclaimed, "What?"
"What now?" Faye asked exasperated.
"The wall, it's moving!" and so it was. Even as they all turned to watch, the bricks were wiggling themselves free and disappearing behind the wall. A few moments later and they stood before a large archway with a twisting cobbled street flowing out beneath them.
Diagon Alley would have fit in perfectly with any Mars city. Like so many Martian alleys it was populated by stores of the oddest sort. It seemed they would have no problem finding everything they might need here. Splitting up, they figured they could have everything they would need in under an hour.
In theory, it was sound. In practice, it was nearly impossible. Jet went after the books. Spike after the wand and oddments. While Faye took Ed to get her uniforms. And then things got complicated.
Spike came close to getting violent with the wand dealer, "Look, just give me a wand."
"I told you before, sir, you must bring in the child the wand is intended for..." the wandsman said nervously.
"Give me a wand," Spike repeated. Receiving the same response he muttered under his breath that he should have just kept the old fellow's unicorn hair wand.
"Ten inch wand? Short fellow, bad teeth?" the wandier seemed interested now.
"Yeah, that's right," Spike said as he edged closer to one of the shelves, "You have another one like that?"
"Oh no, that was applewood and unicorn hair. Weak combination, that -in those hands anyway," it was apparent this man really enjoy his wand talk.
Spike kept him going for another ten minutes, at which time the wand-hawker shooed him from the store with the firm warning to bring back the wand's recipient. Spike assured him he would as he walked casually away from Ollivanders. Once out of the store, he pulled out the short, reddish-hued wand he had pocketed inside.
Jet had less trouble getting the course books listed on the forged papers. Arms loaded he was making his way down the steps when he nearly stepped on a small, pale boy with blonde hair.
"Er, watch it you oaf," the boy screeched.
"Oh, sorry there kid. I didn't see you -you ought to be more careful," Jet said, reaching down to pat the boy on the head.
"Gerroff!," the boy yelled in his drawling voice, "My father's in there, and he'll make you wish you never tried to step on me!"
"Whoa, take it easy kid," but the boy was already running up the steps saying something about muggles and not letting them into a proper wizard's place.
Jet shrugged and turned to walk back down the street to wait for the others. He passed the uniform shop and waved to Ed and Faye inside. And then he got lost.
Three hours later, arms loaded down with their newly acquired booty, Jet, Spike, and Faye finally found one another. Much to everyone's relief, they could now leave Diagon Alley behind forever. Except...
"Uh, Faye?" Spike asked slowly.
"What is it, Spike?" Faye was tired and ready to use her extended shower privileges.
"Where's Ed?" Spike lit a cigarette and calmly waited for her response.
Faye looked around quickly, dropped her armload of uniforms, and ran back down the alley.
One hour later, Faye triumphantly dragged Ed back to the archway, "Pet shop," sufficed for an answer and they hurried back to their car. And from there back to the Bebop.
One month later and they had collected other bounties and had other adventures -and nearly forgetten all about sending Ed after the magic school bounty. But Ed hadn't forgotten. And she was kind enough to remind them all of a promise that Spike didn't remember making.
"Spikey said send Ed to magic school," Ed said happily as she jumped up and down on one of the sofas.
"Oh, that," Spike shrugged and turned to Jet, "How are we on money?"
"We've still got a bit from that last one, but 20 million woolongs wouldn't hurt..."
"Alright, Ed, we'll take you back to that Frogwart place -shouldn't be too hard, just let us know when you see this guy and we'll come and pick him up." Spike looked narrowly at Ed, "You can do this right?"
"Edward will not fail you, oh great bounty hunter!" she said mock-seriouly before rolling happily on the floor and giggling.
The train station had no 'Platform Nine and three quarters'. Spike tapped a plump woman, who was staring lovingly at a concrete barrier between platforms, on the shoulder.
"You know where Logwarts train is?" he asked her.
"You mean Hogwarts," the woman said knowingly.
"Yeah, Lawndarts. Where is it?" he pointed over to Ed who was standing uncomfortably in her dress, "Need to put this kid on."
"Oh!" the woman exclaimed, "You're daughter is just lovely. Red hair just like my children, what's her name?"
"Hmm? Oh, that's Ed," Spike replied absently
Before the woman could comment on Ed's name Faye walked up to see what was going on, and the little red-haired moppet behind the plump woman made a face at her. Faye was in the process of sticking out her tongue at the little girl when the woman said, "And this must be your, er, wife. So good to see mug-, er, non-magic parents, take an interest in their child's learning."
"Wi -oof?" Spike said as Faye's elbow dug into his ribs.
The woman ignored this, and finally directed them on entering Platform Nine and three quarters. As the Bebop crew stood around looking at the barrier in disbeleif, the plump woman and her child began to leave.
"Mommy, is that woman a prosti- a prosti..." piped the little red-haired girl.
"Prostitute?" the plump woman supplied.
"Yes, mommy. Is she a prosti-tute?" asked the girl in regard to Faye's clothes.
"Yes, Ginny, I think she must be -now hush." And they left mumbling something about muggles, loose morals, and inexplicably red-haired children when neither of the 'parents' had red hair.
They instructed Ed to run through the barrier to get to the platform, and so she tried. Smacking into the barrier very quickly had the effect of putting Ed on the ground with a large bruise forming on her forehead. Not wanting to spend all day on this as they had Diagon Alley, Spike decided to test it himself.
Not stupid enough to run into a concrete barrier, he picked up Ed's trunk and tossed it instead. The trunk sailed through the barrier to disappear. A quick inspection of the ground around the barrier confirmed that it had gone somewhere.
Not wishing to waste any more time Jet and Faye joined Spike in tossing Ed's things into the barrier. Last of which but not least was Ed herself. Ed flew through the air giggling the whole time. Faye turned away so as not to see Ed's neck snap on the concrete.
But she needn't have been worried. Ed flew through the air, and then she flew through the barrier to land in the heap of her belongings.
As one the crew of the Bebop turned and began walking away, trusting that Ed would be fine, and radio when she spotted their bounty.
Ed had a great time on the train. There were all manner of things for her to play with. There was a cart loaded down with all sorts of treats that she pilfered when the dimpled porter wasn't looking. And she even found a toad to play with, but it got away from her after a while.
And since there were so many things to amuse her on the train, it was a full fifteen minutes before she got bored.
For a while she amused herself with eaves-dropping, but after listening to one boy whine to another about his five brothers and having to put up with their hand-me-downs, this too became boring. She wished Ein were here, but mean FayeFaye wouldn't let Ed bring him.
With nothing else to do she found a compartment that only had two other people inside and pulled out her computer.
"What have you got there," said the girl sitting across from Ed.
Ed ignored her.
"I said, 'What have you got there?'" said the girl indignantly.
Ed growled warningly and went back to her computer.
"I never!" said the girl, tossing her bushy brown hair and sneering with her large teeth.
The round-faced boy next to Ed moaned pitifully, and the bossy little girl said, "Come on, Neville, I'll help you look this time. We need more polite company, anyway," and she made a face which Ed ignored.
The was a piece of paper on the windshield of the mini when they found it again, which Faye explained was a parking ticket.
This confused Spike and he asked, "Why don't they just bill it straight to your account?"
Faye explained that this was just the way it was done before interplanetary travel became popular, "They only starting billing it directly to your account when it was possible to leave the planet -that way they can make sure they get their money."
"So what do we do about it?" Spike asked.
Faye crumpled the ticket and tossed it over her shoulder, "Nothing, we'll be leaving the planet soon, so we don't have to pay it -It's not our car anyway."
This was good enough for Spike and Jet who didn't need any more expenses. They climbed in the car and drove in the general direction of the Bebop.
Ed was starting to think magic school was a very boring place. Her and the other new students were just standing around in a room waiting. Sure there had been a bit of fun when the ghosts had shown up, but they had left. Ed wanted to go back to the Bebop and play with her friends.
"Now form a line, and follow me," said the lady Ed had seen before.
Ed followed along with the rest into the Great Hall. The lady carried an old hat and put it on a stool in front of everyone. The hat came to life and sang a funny song that made Ed clap and giggle. And then there was a boring business where Ed had to wait her turn to play with the hat. And then...
"Er, Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky IV, Edward..." Yay! It was Ed's turn!
Ed scrambled up the steps to confused muttering from each of the tables. Grabbing the old hat, she thrust it down on her head.
"Eh?" said a quiet voice right atop Ed's head, "Who are you? You're a muggle! You shouldn't be here, I better tell Prof- Hey!"
Ed had taken the lower edge of the hat in her mouth and was chewing vigorously, "Ed must be here!" she said while still chewing, "Spikey, and Jetty Wetty, and even FayeFaye said so!"
"Ack! Stop it! I can't, you're a mugg- Ow!!"
"Ed has to catch bad-man. Ed has to be in magic school!"
"Wait, Wait! You're here to stop him?! OW! Ok, ok -if you promise to stop him, I've known for -urk!- known for awhile, but no one listens to a poor old hat..."
Ed stopped chewing and sat patiently waiting. "Er, HUFFLEPUFF," the hat shouted half-heartedly.
There was a smattering of confused clapping from the Hufflepuff table, as well as some relieved clapping from the other three.
The crew of the Bebop was bored. There seemed to be nothing to do on this planet. Spike spent much of his time sleeping. Faye seemed to live in the shower now. And Jet was giving his all to save Coltrane.
Once again fed up with the bonsai's willingness to die, Jet went looking for Spike. After eating some of there dwindling food supplies, they settled in the common room to talk and smoke.
Spike was sitting across from Jet, arms thrown over the back of the sofa, staring at the fan as it spun lazily.
"You know," he said, "This might not be such a hot idea."
Jet took a drag from his cigarette and said, "You think? Why didn't you say something earlier?"
Spike shrugged, "We started over a month ago, seemed like a good idea at the time..."
"Yeah, I was thinking the same... Say, should we really trust Ed to do this?"
Spike took a break from fan-watching to look at Jet, "The kid's smarter than she looks," Spike lit another cigarette, "I think most of the stuff she does is just an act -for us, or to keep herself entertained, I don't know. But I think we can count on her."
Jet thought about this until Spike added, "Besides, would you rather send the other one? Imagine Faye in one of those little school uniforms..." Spike chuckled at the idea.
The next few moments, curiously enough, were spent quietly as each man thought of just that...
Ed was now enjoying Hogwarts. There was so much food! And the classes were fun too, even if she couldn't do magic. There was talk of her being a 'late-bloomer', but if she didn't start to show some magical skill they might kick her out!
Ed wasn't worried. She had found Ein in her trunk, where she had mistakenly packed him. And had fun playing with him every night in her room. One of the other girls had threatened to report Ein, but Ed had bitten her until she promised not to tell. After this, all the other girls had thought Ein was a great roommate.
Ed had decided to start faking magic soon, just before they kicked her out, so that she could stay. Ed was so happy her friends had decided to send her here, but she did miss them sometimes when it was quiet at night. On those nights when she couldn't sleep, and she would normally have woken up Spike or Jet or FayeFaye, or even all three!
But, all in all, she was happy to be here at Hogwarts...though it seemed like there was something she had forgotten to do....
"Ed...Ed, are you there? Can you hear me, Ed -It's Spike..." Spike set the radio down, "No good," he said.
"Is it a problem with reception? Or is she just not in her room?" Jet asked concerned.
Spike shrugged and Faye said, "The little monster probably got turned into a frog, or something..."
"Faye..." Spike said warningly. Looking sideways at Jet, while still giving Faye a hard look he said, "Have any plans for tonight?"
"Well, I was thinking of making your favorite -beef and peppers..." Jet enjoyed tormenting Spike sometimes. Spike knew this and so played along.
"Urggh...we're going out!" he let Jet enjoy the exaggerated look of pain on his face before continuing, "I heard about something we might want to check out anyway."
Jet held his hands up, "Fine, see how I react when you're ready to spend all day in the kitchen..."
"Where're we going?" Faye asked as she inspected her fingernails.
"Well, this bounty we're after, he's suppose to be a magic man, right?" They agreed this was true. "I thought it might be nice to know exactly what we're up against."
"How?" Jet asked, "You know something?"
"I heard of a place, rumors mostly," he stubbed out his cigarette, "Ever see an old movie called 'Fight Club'?"
Ed was looking for the kitchens when she was spotted by Mrs. Norris. This would normally have been only a small problem that she could have run and hidden from, but not tonight. Tonight she had brought Ein out with her. Ein needed to exercise and he didn't like to be cooped up all day. So Ed had let him follow her.
Now Ein was following Mrs. Norris as she ran screeching out meows down the corridor. They were running very fast and Ed couldn't keep up. She lost sight of them around a corner, with only the occasional bark echoing back down the hall. Each bark growing fainter and fainter.
Ed wandered around for half the night looking for Ein with no luck. There was no sign of him, not even a lone bark.
Ed was sure that Mrs. Norris had gotten away from Ein some time ago. Ein wouldn't hurt her, he just needed to run and chase. Mrs. Norris had probably forgotten the whole thing, after Ein gave up, and gone back to her rounds. Funny, Ed hadn't seen her come back.
In one corridor Ed had the funny feeling she shouldn't be there. Maybe it was something someone had said about staying away from somewhere, but she just couldn't remember. There wouldn't be anything dagerous on the third floor of the school, anyway.
A one end of the hallway she found a door that had a large lock, but was unlocked at the moment. Curious as always, Ed opened the door and went inside.
And that's when Ed met a very large doggie indeed.
The announcer was testing the microphone, "..three...Fire one, Ice two, Bolt three...check." He gave a thumbs up to someone mired in a tangle of wires and sound equipment and left the ring.
Jet found them seats as the announcer was climbing out of the ring. Spike and Faye had a brief argument over armrest rights and Jet studied the interior of the warehouse. It had been obvious from their arrival that none of this was legal.
After driving around in circles for half the night they had managed to locate this underground group by spotting a hastily painted silhouette of a strange yellow bird. Following the direction that the bird was running in, they stumbled on another, and another, and so on until finally they were driving in a seedy section of the industrial district.
Stashing the mini in a seemingly safe location, they hurried towards the only building in the area that had lights on. The flamboyant bouncer, dressed in a queer black and gold trench-coat, and flicking his long silvery-gray hair immediately denied them entrance.
Spike was about to insist when the doorman noticed Faye's outfit, "My, my," he smiled an oily smile, "Well perhaps I was hasty. I can let you in, my dear."
Faye tossed her hair away from the greasy little man and walked past him into the warehouse. The bouncer leered at her as she walked away and reached into his pocket to begin fervently juggling his dice, "Look me up after the match. My name's Setz- oof!" Spike shoved him aside and followed after Faye.
The doorjockey gave one more half-hearted attempt, "I have an airship, you know!" Then hurriedly scrambled out of Jet's way, defeated.
Jet had acquired ringside seats. Oddly enough, it seemed that the three rows closest to the ring were all unoccupied.
They waited bored as more spectators filed in. Most of those entering the warehouse wore extravagant and flashy costumes. The sort of outfits that virtually call 'look at me!' and 'I'm somebody!' Spike was amused. Jet wondered who they were trying to impress. And Faye, well, Faye felt -probably for the first time- that her own clothing was much too subdued.
The announcer reappeared and took stock of the crowd. He said something unheard to someone behind a shaky velvet curtain and once more entered the ring. A small, white-fuzzed creature with pink wings handed the mic up to him.
"Ladies and Gentleman," he smiled to the crowd, "Welcome to the UFC!" The crowd roared. The announcer reveled in the noise.
As the crowd quieted down he said, "I said, Welcome to the UFC!" The crowd roared louder than before. Spike, Jet, and Faye exchanged glances.
This time the announcer shushed the crowd, "My name is Locke, and I'll be your announcer for this, the third installment, of the Ultima Fighting Championship." The crowd applauded and there were a few shouts of 'Locke' -some even began chanting 'Mug', but once again Locke quieted them.
Locke flipped the collar of his jacket-vest up and continued, "The UFC has a short, but rich, tradition of pitting combatants with a common thread together. Tonight, as you are all aware, is yet another installment of the Wizardry Circuit-" Jet noted that the crowd had cheering down pat. "And tonight we are proud to bring you two of the most famous wizards to ever sling a spell! But first, as always, I shall introduce tonight's guest panel..." At this the lights went out, and a song that Faye informed Spike was known as 'Firestarter' by someone known as 'Prodigy' began blasting over the speaker system.
A single spotlight illuminated the velvet curtain as Locke began speaking once more, "All the way from 16th century France, our first guest panelist is not technically magical in nature -but try telling that to countless world leaders and other individuals who have found his prophecies enlightening, entertaining, and at times, more than a little frighteningly fufilled. His hobbies, aside from prophesying the entire future of the world, include such diverse elements as attempting to cure the Black Death, to ....not dying from Black Death! Ladies and Gentlemen, I present our first panelist -Nostradamus!" They crowd stared in awe as the elderly, bearded frenchman entered the spotlight and waved.
Nostradamus was quickly lead to an empty seat at a long empty table as Locke began the next introduction, "Stepping out of legend, our next guest needs no introduction. The wizard who raised a king, the sorcerer without peer, the one, the only -Merlin!" At this the crowd gave a full standing ovation lasting more than five minutes. As the ovation began to teeter to the quieter side, a large burst of silver smoke erupted under the spotlight. Thunder echoed outside and engulfed the crowd. There was a brilliant wash of light, and there in the spotlight stood a legend. Merlin.
Merlin waved merrily and was then swallowed in a pillar of flame. The crowd was silent until a pillar of flame engulfed the empty seat next to Nostradamus -leaving the chair untouched and a beaming Merlin seated. The ovation lasted much longer than five minutes.
Locke finally quieted the crowd so that he might introduce the remaining panelists. "Out third panelist this evening is the archetype of bad. Her hobbies include misdeeds, shoe collecting, and monkeying around with her pets. A woman you definitely wouldn't want to take home to Momma -or take home at all... The one we all love to hate. I present, the Wicked Witch of the West!"
The crowd happily booed the Witch as she swooped in from behind the curtain. Riding her broom low over the crowd, she cackled insanely, "I'll get you my pretties!" before taking the seat next to Merlin.
"And finally, our last panelist this evening is a personal pleasure to present." Locke beamed to the crowd, "He is someone I grew up hearing about -yes, that's right, we are from the same continuum! This panelist started out long before I did, and I admit, was something of a role-model for me in my younger days. Currently, he can be seen in a starring role in a popular internet program. A mage who really knows his Fire from his Ice -Black Mage!" Nervous applause and a single shout of 'swords!' sounded as a tiny figure in a black robe and a straw hat exited the curtain. His glowing eyes were slitted as he surveyed the crowd. He seemed to be clutching something under his robe. Seeming to reach a decision, the Black Mage took the remaining seat next to the Witch.
"He's looking for a fight," Faye nodded to Black Mage. Jet grunted and Spike snored.
"And now, the moment you've all been waiting for -tonight's opponents! First, we have a local boy -perhaps the greastest wizard this continuum has ever known! Current headmaster of the local school of wizardry; Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorcerer, Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, and of the International Confederacy of Wizards --ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!!" The crowd went wild. Especially the few locals who had managed to find the place.
Spike leaned over to Jet as Dumbledore entered the ring, "That's the guy who runs Wogharts?"
Jet shrugged, "Should he be doing this? Aren't there rules against this kind of behavior when you're suppose to be teaching kids?"
"And we just sent Ed to him..." Spike sighed.
Faye leaned over, "Don't tell me you're worried, Spike? Ed will be alright -just as soon as she locates the bounty -she's got a picture of him and everything. Besides, what someone does on their personal time shouldn't....oh..." Faye trailed off as if remembering something. Eyes wide, she leapt from her seat and raced toward the door leading outside.
"What got in to her?" Jet's gaze followed her outside.
Spike lit a cigarette and said, "Who cares; he's going to bring out the next one." And he nodded to Locke.
"Our second combatant is known to many, and feared by more. Wielding a sword as well as spells and staff, a wizard not to be trifled with -as a certain Balrog learned -the wizard in white, GANDALF!!" The crowd was insane. How else could you explain the massive, repetitive cheering? And Spike could swear he heard that same voice shout 'swords!' once more.
A few furry-toed midgets who were also sitting ringside began singing a merry, but very annoying, song. Spike threw an empty drink cup at them. He failed to find anything heavier in the area around his feet, but the midgets quieted as Locke once more took his cue.
"Tonight's match will be refereed by my very own fiancee Celes Chere -as her Runic Blade technique is the only safeguard that is proof against such hostile magical forces." This time the cheering seemed to belong only to the male portion of the spectators, and as Celes came into view Spike saw why. Wearing little more than bathing suit, boots, cape, tiara, and a sword Celes was quite a sight for lonely eyes. Curiously enough, after Spike had oogled his fill, he darted a glance in the direction Faye had run off to.
Celes entered the ring as Locke exited, they paused as their paths crossed to share a shy kiss -to the delight of the crowd.
Dumbledore and Gandalf stood their corners calmly as Celes began reciting the rules.
"The first rule of the UFC is that you do not talk about the UFC outside of the actual matches," she stated proudly.
Spike and Jet were sizing up the opponents. "My money's on that Ghandi guy," claimed Spike.
"You don't have any money..." Jet said.
Spike continued, "Look, Jet, he's using a large staff and a sword -Dumbormore only has one of those little sticks"
"The third rule of the UFC..."Celes continued as Spike said to Jet, "I missed the second rule, what was it?"
"If you'd stop talking you might be able to hear her. It was the same as the first rule, I think."
Spike nodded and said, "That fits. Hey, what was the third rule again?" Jet sighed.
They managed to keep this up through Celes's whole oration, with Spike talking through each of the rules, until the only thing they knew for sure was that you weren't suppose to talk about UFC.
Faye returned just as Gandalf and Dumbledore were shaking hands. "Where'd you run off to?" Jet asked.
Faye adopted a haughty attitude and said, "Women's business," she arched an eyebrow, "But if you'd like details-"
Jet hurriedly waved his hands, forestalling her, "No, no. Quite alright-"
"Fight!" Celes called. And the two wizards leapt into action.
The persistent beeping didn't wake Ed, but the other girls did. Ed had been having the fun dream again. The one where her and Ein were flying Spike's Swordfish II and shooting asteroids. Ed was at the best part, where her score reached four bazillion, when her roommates began shouting at her.
Ed woke and looked around the room. The other girls were looking at her angrily. There was also an annoying beeping, like the kind a cheap but effective alarm clock uses, coming from her trunk.
Springing the lid caused Ein to whine as the moonlight filtered into his bed. A few seconds of digging and Ed had her hands on a short, black rectangle. Pushing a hidden button caused the rectangle to open into a monitor with a single slot underneath it.
"Hulloo?" Ed said.
"Ed? It's Faye. I- er, I mean, Spike forgot to give you the picture of the bounty you're after. I'm sending it now." Ed could see FayeFaye leaning down and feeding something into her end. A moment later and a grainy photo slid from the slot on Ed's end.
Ed held up the picture and looked puzzled, "Is this FayeFaye's friend?"
Faye groaned, "Ed, you remember why we sent you there, don't you?" Ed nodded sagely, "To learn magic?" she said in a confused manner.
"No Ed," poor FayeFaye sounded tired, "You're there to find that man. Look, all you have to do is find out if he's there, and then tell us when to come in.... Can you remember that?"
Ed nodded again, "Edward will find bad-man tomorrow. ....FayeFaye?"
"Yes, Ed?"
"Can Ed find badman after Ed eats?"
"Yes, Ed," and Faye cut the connection.
I will continue this distrubing fanfic crossover when I return from El Salvador...
-don't ask.
