Let's Hear It for Our Legal System, The
Officers of the Courts AND Our Juries.

Most of the country has heard of the Darwin Awards
given annually to the individuals who do the most for mankind by
removing themselves from the gene pool.

Now, we have the Stella Awards given to the
individuals who win the most frivolous lawsuits ever. The Stella Awards
are named in honor of 81 year-old Stella Liebeck, the woman who won
$2.9 million for spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.

The following are candidates for the award:

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin,
Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a
furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised
at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was
Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los
Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over
his hand with a  Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice
there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to
steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

3. October, 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol,
Pa., was leaving a  house he had just finished robbing by way of the
garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the
automatic door opener as malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the
house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when
he pulled it shut.  The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found
himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of
Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr.
Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation
caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a
half million dollars. (I guess he was too stupid to know what
that red handle is hanging down from the door opener)

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock
Arkansas was awarded  $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on

the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The dog was on a
chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also
in
the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought
because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr.
Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet
gun.

5. December 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was
ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she
slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was
on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30
seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Clamont, DE.,
successfully sued the owner of a night club when she fell from the
bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.
This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window
in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She
was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

(There must be some "arrangements" with the jury panels that we don't know about.  How else can you explain these ridiculous awards?  No lawyer can be that convincing if the jury was awake during the trail. Hmm.)