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| So , Whose Fault is it? | |||||||||||||||||||
| By Joan and Lucy Stone...Wild Rose of the Chesapeake | |||||||||||||||||||
| Even as close as we are, at times we have difficulty communicating. Simple words and ideas to one of us can seem like something from outer space to the other. It is not easy to exchange ideas when each of us attribute different meanings to key words or ideas. When this happens, time, effort, understanding, honesty, love and yes, even a sense of humor are needed to communicate. | |||||||||||||||||||
| It is common place for both men and women to complain about trying to understand and communicate with members of the opposite sex. In fact, sometimes both men and women are certain that members of the opposite sex must come from a different planet. How unfortunate it is that we often have the most difficulty communicating with the one person with whom we have chosen to live our lives and parent children. So, whose fault is it? | |||||||||||||||||||
| We don't believe that it is the fault of either partner. Rather it is the result of a culture that assigns the sex of each of us at birth based on the way we are plumbed. Then begins immediately a program of behavioral reinforcement, which is initiated by color coding each of us with either pink or blue blankets and booties. From the very start boys and girls are treated and dressed differently, and appropriate behavior for each sex is dictated. Each of us is constantly urged to try to become the popular stereotype for our assigned sex. For example, boys are supposed to be stoic while girls are supposed to be sensitive. To the extent that our mental conditioning reinforced by hormones succeed in pushing us toward the appropriate popular sex stereotype, each of us become conditioned to have interests and goals different from our partners and all other members of the opposite sex. Is it any wonder, we have difficulty communicating? | |||||||||||||||||||
| Consider the way we are conditioned from birth, and the added confusion, guilt and sense of inadequacy that result from feelings or physical characteristics that are at odds with society's view of the ideal characteristics for our sex. Further, consider the hormones that condition our bodies for our respective roles in propagation of our species and the roles we play as fathers and mothers that cause us to approach life somewhat differently. Is it not a wonder we can communicate with our partner at all? | |||||||||||||||||||
| Under the best of circumstances, men and women have cultural barriers to overcome if they are to communicate effectively. But what happens when the guilt from not meeting the expectation for the appropriate sexual stereotype is intensified by the desire of one partner, more frequently the husband, to dress in the clothing reserved for the other partner's sex? Then, consider the difficulty the other partner experiences because her husband's conduct is so at odds with what she has been conditioned all her life to believe. Is it any wonder the CD and the CD's spouse have difficulty communicating, and much more difficulty coming to terms with crossdressing issues? | |||||||||||||||||||
| So what can we do to compensate for the unfortunate cultural conditioning with which we are all burdened? Start by treating your partner the way you would like to be treated. Be aware that you are each burdened with a lifetime of biased psychological conditioning, and you may never totally understand each other's problems. Be positive about your partner and work to develop a balance between your needs and limitations and that of your partner, but realize that your balance point will change as both your understanding and that of your partner increases. And above all, let your love for each other take precedence over any negative feelings and doubts. | |||||||||||||||||||
| You have to begin with honesty, and each of you must be positive with your partner about your feelings, wants and desires. You may desire one thing and your partner another, but it is important that each of you try to understand the other's position. You and your partner may have substantial differences, but neither of you should take the position that your way is the only way. Rather, each of you should try to realize that you are both victims of systematic cultural conditioning, and your relationship has suffered as a result. Neither of you is to blame, and both of you are suffering. So, what are you going to do about it? Look for ways to help each other, and you will begin to come together. The process may be long and tedious, and at times, it may seem easier to throw up your hands and walk away. But if you stop talking with each other, you will never truly resolve anything. Effective communication requires both partners to listen attentively and ask questions until you understand each other and find a workable solution for living with your differences. It is something we all have to work hard to achieve, but the improvement in your relationship will be worth all the effort and pain along the way. | |||||||||||||||||||
| Once you have achieved your first basic breakthrough to understanding you have both arrived on the same planet, and you are in a position to accomplish results. However, it will take more hard work to stay on that same planet and achieve results. | |||||||||||||||||||
| If you find that you are unwilling or unable to achieve even the first glimmer of understanding with your partner, you need to ask the question "So, Whose Fault Is It?" Then, perhaps you both should take a look in the mirror! | |||||||||||||||||||
| Life is an adventure, pick up the challenge, and get on with it! | |||||||||||||||||||
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