You say "grade school age"....which I am "assuming" is probably between the ages of 7 and 12. Young people at this age many times "know" that they are somehow different, but they are not knowledgeable of just what and how that difference will impact them in the future. If he is dressing in feminine attire, there are several possibilities. One, he could be simply exhibiting an Oedipus complex, a desire for a "relationship" (although he will not necessarily be able to verbalize this) with his mother. A second could be the initial stirrings of a homosecual attraction. And a third could be any of several degrees of transgenderism. If he is "dressing," a simple question of him when he is dressed as to "Who are you today?" and the response of "Mother" would tend to indicate an Oedipus complex. The desire to "be mom." On either of the other two possibilities, it really makes no difference at this age. He may ultimately reach adulthood and be "gay" or "transgendered." Regardless, I think the most important actions that the parents can take at this time are based on tried and true parenting skill regardless of the behavior in question.
1. DO NOT act shocked, disgusted, or negative in any way to the
information your child might give you or you might "discover" about the
transgenderedness. Accept it and confirm to the child that everyone is
somewhat a mix of male and female. No one is 100% anything...just like you!
You might like to feel like a "girl" right now, but maybe not
tomorrow....or next year. That is OK. You are normal.
2. Encourage the child to not "focus" on this aspect of life
exclusively. Just as it is not good for a child to spend too much time focused on television, or any other single activity, encourage "many different activities." Keep them mentally...and most importantly...physically active and involved.
3. Identify "role models" in non-gender specific roles. PoliceMEN and
policeWOMEN wear nearly identical uniforms. Nurses...male or
female...wear "scrubs". Firemen or women dress the same. "Fatigues" are military,
period.
4. If the behavior pertains to "crossdressing, explain that "appropriate attire" is still expected in order to avoid ridicule. Even a girl, wearing an "evening dress" to school is not "appropriate." The child needs to learn what is situationally appropriate. Fortunately, today, most girls go to school in pants!
5. Depending on the age of the child, express the fact that if "he"
wants to dress in a "slip", he is free to do that, but it is "underwear"
and he needs to do this in his own bedroom. It is not appropriate for
him to be out in "public" in his underwear. The parent is not denying the
activity...just making it "situationally appropriate." Likewise, you do
not wear your underwear in front of your friends. Most children will
limit the amount of time they spend "by themselves in their room" and
choose to be with friends. It is not a "punishment;" be sure the child
understands this. And do not use his bedroom at other times as a
"punishment." Find other ways to punish.
Regardless of whether this child ultimately is gay or transgendered, you, or the parents, have given him a strong solid feel of acceptance and stability. They have kept communication open and "cool" on these issues. Should the parents or child deem that a professional is necessary for counseling...please advise them to be very careful in selecting one. Most gender therapists have no training in dealing with "juvenile minds," and most child psychologists have no gender training. Either situation could exacerbate the situation.