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A large-sized female friend of mine often buys men's clothing because it fits her better than women's wear, especially the pants. She walks into men's clothing stores, asks the salespeople for help, and proceeds to try on various items. It is obvious she is purchasing these things for herself, not for a male friend, and I have never seen a salesperson so much as blink at her. Can you imagine what would happen if Dave did the same thing in a women's clothing store? If a woman wears a tux to a formal party, she's complimented and called "chic." If a man shows up at the same party in a dress, he's verbally humiliated and thrown out on his ear. |
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Sexual and gender orientations go far deeper than what a person chooses to wear. Who we love is not dictated by whether we wear tuxes or dresses. And as any transsexual will tell you, who we are as men and women isn't even dictated by what's between our legs. It's a sense of knowing that cannot quite be articulated in words. However, society teaches us to follow its rigid rules instead of listening to our inner sense of knowing. That's why gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and even straight folks question their inner knowing, because society instructs them to. To have a successful relationship with a gender-gifted partner, you MUST have a great deal of confidence in yourself and your sexual identity. It was not until I came to the realization that I was not gay, and that a relationship with a crossdresser did not make me gay, that I was able to understand and accept this side of Dave's personality. |
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Inner Turmoil
Some crossdressers derive sexual gratification and pleasure from dressing. Others derive no specific sexual high while dressed, but that does not mean the need to dress is any less powerful. As I mentioned, Dave is a talented musician who learned to play almost as soon as he learned to walk. Without his music, without this expression of his personality, Dave would be incomplete. He knows this and would therefore never force himself to endure losing such a large chunk of his soul. Yet when it comes to his desire to dress, Dave regularly descends into an unspeakable Hell for the sake of what society tells him is proper. |
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Many crossdressers live their lives in silent shame, not only closeted but locked in a never-ending internal struggle to suppress the side of their personalities that is drawn to dress. It is sadly common for crossdressers to continuously repeat a self-destructive pattern that cycles through three phases: |
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* Denying and fighting the need to dress.
* Breaking down and succumbing to the need to dress.
* Experiencing incredible feelings of guilt and shame, prompting a return to Phase 1. |
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I've watched helplessly as Dave has repeated this pattern innumerable times throughout the years, lubricating the wheels of his constant cycling with alcohol and drug abuse. About three months ago, he telephoned me to say that he'd purchased a gift for me, a dress. During the same phone call, he spent at least 20 minutes expounding on how he had given up dressing forever. Only a couple of weeks later, I got another phone call. Dave had decided to keep the dress for himself, saying that it fit him well and looked lovely. Since then, he has cycled completely at least one more time. |
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Getting Help
Most psychologists now realize that crossdressing, like transsexuality and homosexuality, cannot be "cured." The only real remedy to the destructive cycle of suppressing and succumbing is self-acceptance. Even if mainstream society refuses to accept the gender-gifted among us, they can learn to accept themselves and we, as their friends, families, and loved ones, can also offer our acceptance. |
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It is my sincere hope that Dave will someday break the cycle and learn to accept himself for what he is. Until that day comes, the only thing I can do for him is to continue offering my support as a friend. |
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