Worst Movies of the 1980s

Worst Movies of the
1980s

The 1980s produced plenty of good movies. You won't find reviews of any of those here. However, if you want to have an accurate measuring stick as to what constitutes the "worst movie ever made", check out some of the films below.

Beaks: The Movie
(aka "Birds of Prey")
Year of Release: 1987
Steve's Rating: 1 of 10 Stars
Starring: Christopher Atkins and Michelle Johnson
Director: Ray Cardova

A TV reporter and her cameraman (Johnson and Atkins) go globe-trotting in order to unlock the mystery behind a rising string of bird attacks. From eagles, to pigeons, to chickens, birds are killing people... and they seem organized!
"Beaks: The Movie" is an uninspired and, worst of all, boring copy of "The Birds." There's really nothing to recommend it; the closest the film gets to being suspenseful is a shot of hundreds of pidgeons charging across a plaza. (Although, if you love watching slow-motion footage of doves and pigeons, you might find it worth while.)

Hobgoblins
Year of Release: 1987
Steve's Rating: 0 of 10 Stars
Starring: Tom Bartlette
Director: Rick Sloan

When the world's most incompetent night watchman allows a group of diminuative, furry aliens to escape from the film vault of a bankrupt studio, it's up to security-guard trainee Kevin (Bartlett) to capture or kill the creatures before the sun rises and they kill everyone in the city.
"Hobgoblins" is perhaps the very worst of the wave of "small killer creatures" movies that began with "Gremlins" (and included much better examples of the sub-genre than this one, which even makes "Ghoulies" look like a cinematic masterpiece).
There is absolutely nothing to recommend this movie--the creatures are badly done, the actors are are so bad that even the lame creature puppets are better performers, the "sets" are pathetic, and the script is so bad that if it wasn't for the creature puppets and some extremely badly used stock footage, I'd suspect it was ad-libbed as the cameras were rolling.
Whether intended as a spoof of the "small killer creatures" genre, or an honest attempt at a humorous horror movie, "Hobgoblins" fails utterly. I don't give out many 0-ratings, and this one is more deserving of it than most. I doubt even Mike and the Robots of MST3K could make this one fun to watch.
(Oh, and if you're a T&A kinda guy, don't get fooled by the DVD edition with a busty babe on the cover. No one in the movie ever appears dressed like that. And the hobgoblins here are most definately NOT party animals.)

Unhinged
Year of Release: 1982
Steve's Rating: 1 of 10 Stars
Starring: Laurel Munson
Director: Don Gronquist
Three girlfriends are heading for a rock concert (to be followed by some camping) during a servere rainstorm. The run off the road, sure they're dead... but then they wake up in a creepy old mansion, filled with creepy old characters. And what just IS hiding in the toolshed?!
"Unhinged" is a horror movie that gets just about eveything wrong.
*The movie STARTS with the shower-scene even before there's anyone to menace the nubile young thing (oh... and it's a badly acted AND badly staged shower-scene. Yes, "Unhinged" is one of those movies that proves it's possible to do a bad shower scene. Maybe I'll do a chapter about 'em for a book some day).
* The story (what little there is of it) only works, because the characters spend too much time doing things that no rational (or able to wipe themselves after taking a dump) would do. If the characters took one or two simple, obvious actions, the whole movie would cease to be. Likewise, the ending only happens because the lead character's only guiding light is how to make the badly plotted story work.
*The two girls playing the leads are both so bad that one wonders if they worked the casting couch exceptionally well. One of them finally shows some acting ability in her final scene, but it's far too little and far too late to save the picture.
*There are multiple occassions where there seems to be a build-up to something dire or scary or startling is about to happen, but then there's no pay-off. Heed my words, young would-be filmmaker: Repeated "oooh, let's trick 'em by making things seem all spooky and then not do anything" isn't laying a foundation for the real scares... it's just makes the audience annoyed and irritated.
I stuck with this entirely too-slow-film until the end, because I kept thinking that it would get better. Then, it started getting worse... with it getting progressively more unbelievable and just plain dumb. I'll grant the filmmakers the kudos of actually managing to give the movie a final twist at the end that was dumber than anything I imagined it might have been, even if they did set it up earlier.
The DVD version of "Unhinged" that I watched had a 'comedy commentary track' as one of the audio options by a group of writers and critics who've dubbed themselves 'The Distractors'. It was almost as badly done as the film they were commenting on, because the actual soundtrack was completely inaudible (one of the group even at one point says that they can't even hear the sound of the film and they are uncertain what is being discussed). It's a shame, because I had hopes when I saw that Shannon Wheeler (the creator of "Too Much Coffee Man") was one of the viewers. There were enough off-color comments about breasts, discussion of why the girls on their way to a concert and some camping would have nightgowns and three or four changes of not-very-outdoorsey clothes to make the commentary amusing, but it could have been better. I think perhaps the highpoint was the attempt to look up those involved in making "Unhinged" in the phone book and calling them to their take on the film.
Another bonus feature on the DVD I viewed was a television interview with the director and one of the actresses featured in the film that was recorded back in 1982 to promote the film's release. If I'd watched the interview first, I probably would have known to bother with "Unhinged" itself. I've never seen someone so inept at selling his movie as Gronquist was--it was as if he knew he'd made a piece of trash and didn't really want to talk about it. The actress did a better, though.
There's really nothing to recommend watching "Unhinged", unless you want to see a compact collection of what NOT do to whether you're a screenwriter, an actor, or a director.

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Beaks: The Movie (aka "Birds of Prey") Year of Release: 1987 Steve's Rating: 1 of 10 Stars Starring: Christopher Atkins and Michelle Johnson Director: Ray Cardova A TV reporter and her cameraman (Johnson and Atkins) go globe-trotting in order to unlock the mystery behind a rising string of bird attacks. From eagles, to pigeons, to chickens, birds are killing people... and they seem organized! "Beaks: The Movie" is an uninspired and, worst of all, boring copy of "The Birds." There's really nothing to recommend it; the closest the film gets to being suspenseful is a shot of hundreds of pidgeons charging across a plaza. (Although, if you love watching slow-motion footage of doves and pigeons, you might find it worth while.)
Hobgoblins Year of Release: 1987 Steve's Rating: 0 of 10 Stars Starring: Tom Bartlette Director: Rick Sloan When the world's most incompetent night watchman allows a group of diminuative, furry aliens to escape from the film vault of a bankrupt studio, it's up to security-guard trainee Kevin (Bartlett) to capture or kill the creatures before the sun rises and they kill everyone in the city. "Hobgoblins" is perhaps the very worst of the wave of "small killer creatures" movies that began with "Gremlins" (and included much better examples of the sub-genre than this one, which even makes "Ghoulies" look like a cinematic masterpiece). There is absolutely nothing to recommend this movie--the creatures are badly done, the actors are are so bad that even the lame creature puppets are better performers, the "sets" are pathetic, and the script is so bad that if it wasn't for the creature puppets and some extremely badly used stock footage, I'd suspect it was ad-libbed as the cameras were rolling. Whether intended as a spoof of the "small killer creatures" genre, or an honest attempt at a humorous horror movie, "Hobgoblins" fails utterly. I don't give out many 0-ratings, and this one is more deserving of it than most. I doubt even Mike and the Robots of MST3K could make this one fun to watch. (Oh, and if you're a T&A kinda guy, don't get fooled by the DVD edition with a busty babe on the cover. No one in the movie ever appears dressed like that. And the hobgoblins here are most definately NOT party animals.)
Unhinged Year of Release: 1982 Steve's Rating: 1 of 10 Stars Starring: Laurel Munson Director: Don Gronquist Three girlfriends are heading for a rock concert (to be followed by some camping) during a servere rainstorm. The run off the road, sure they're dead... but then they wake up in a creepy old mansion, filled with creepy old characters. And what just IS hiding in the toolshed?! "Unhinged" is a horror movie that gets just about eveything wrong. The movie STARTS with the shower-scene even before there's anyone to menace the nubile young thing (oh... and it's a badly acted AND badly staged shower-scene. Yes, "Unhinged" is one of those movies that proves it's possible to do a bad shower scene. Maybe I'll do a chapter about 'em for a book some day). The story (what little there is of it) only works, because the characters spend too much time doing things that no rational (or able to wipe themselves after taking a dump) would do. If the characters took one or two simple, obvious actions, the whole movie would cease to be. Likewise, the ending only happens because the lead character's only guiding light is how to make the badly plotted story work. The two girls playing the leads are both so bad that one wonders if they worked the casting couch exceptionally well. One of them finally shows some acting ability in her final scene, but it's far too little and far too late to save the picture. There are multiple occassions where there seems to be a build-up to something dire or scary or startling is about to happen, but then there's no pay-off. Heed my words, young would-be filmmaker: Repeated "oooh, let's trick 'em by making things seem all spooky and then not do anything" isn't laying a foundation for the real scares... it's just makes the audience annoyed and irritated. I stuck with this entirely too-slow-film until the end, because I kept thinking that it would get better. Then, it started getting worse... with it getting progressively more unbelievable and just plain dumb. I'll grant the filmmakers the kudos of actually managing to give the movie a final twist at the end that was dumber than anything I imagined it might have been, even if they did set it up earlier. The DVD version of "Unhinged" that I watched had a 'comedy commentary track' as one of the audio options by a group of writers and critics who've dubbed themselves 'The Distractors'. It was almost as badly done as the film they were commenting on, because the actual soundtrack was completely inaudible (one of the group even at one point says that they can't even hear the sound of the film and they are uncertain what is being discussed). It's a shame, because I had hopes when I saw that Shannon Wheeler (the creator of "Too Much Coffee Man") was one of the viewers. There were enough off-color comments about breasts, discussion of why the girls on their way to a concert and some camping would have nightgowns and three or four changes of not-very-outdoorsey clothes to make the commentary amusing, but it could have been better. I think perhaps the highpoint was the attempt to look up those involved in making "Unhinged" in the phone book and calling them to their take on the film. Another bonus feature on the DVD I viewed was a television interview with the director and one of the actresses featured in the film that was recorded back in 1982 to promote the film's release. If I'd watched the interview first, I probably would have known to bother with "Unhinged" itself. I've never seen someone so inept at selling his movie as Gronquist was--it was as if he knew he'd made a piece of trash and didn't really want to talk about it. The actress did a better, though. There's really nothing to recommend watching "Unhinged", unless you want to see a compact collection of what NOT do to whether you're a screenwriter, an actor, or a director.