| Ego Busters |
| During hte depression, at great financial sacrifice, my parents bought a piano for my twin sister and me and arranged for lessons. For many years, Mon and Dad glowed with pride as their little twins played duets at various community functions. Some 30 years later, Dad came over for dinner and asked me to phay the piano. Warning that I hadn't touched the keyboard in a long time, I consented. As I phayed, I noticed tears running down Dad's cheek. I turned to him and said, "Was it that good, Dad?" He sadly shook his head and replied, "All that money shot to hell!" --Contributed by Alice M. Wolfe Reimche |
| You Can't Win |
| On a street near my workplace, I noticed a meter maid happily writting tickets for a whole line of cars parked at expired meters. As she deposited $10 tickets on one windshield after another, I felt called to do a good deed. I deposited a quarter in the last meter in the row, thus saving a fellow driver the price of a ticket. Feeling rather pleased with myself, I headed for my office. I couldn't resist turning back in hopes of seeing the meter maid's reaction when she saw that the red flag was no longer showing on that meter. When she reached the last car in the line, she reached into her purse, pulled out her keys, got into the car I had "rescued" and drove away. --Contributed by Jerry E. Romig |
| Plane Speaking |
| A college student boarded a plane for Miami and noticed an attractive young woman reading a magazine just across the aisle. He couldn't think of a casual way to start a conversation. Finally, he got up this courage and learned over the aisle. "Excuse me, miss," he said, "are you also taking this flight?" |
| Laugher, The Best Medicine |
| "You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered the suspect. "And what did you steal?" "A dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect. "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color." --The Jewish Press "Ours is a good restaurant," said the manager. "It you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and --" "I believe you," said the customer. "I ordered a small steak." --Jim Reed, Treasury of Ozark Country Humor A golfer was standing in the fairway, about 140 yards out, when a frog whispered from the rough, "Use an 8-iron." The golfer, deep in concentration, pulled out his 8-iron and hit the shot. It rolled right into the cup for an eagle. "Now take me to Vegas," said the frog. "What?" said the startled golfer, suddenly realizing it was a talking frog. "You heard me," repeated the grog, "take me to Vegas. I'm obviously a lucky frog, and we'll make a bundle!" So the golfer picked up the frog and they flew to Vegas. In the casino, the frog whishpered, "Go to the dice talbe and bet rolled a seven, and the man with the frog, and the man with the frog won $100,000. Then the guy took the frog upstairs to his room and thee grog said, "Kiss me." When he did, it turned into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen -- deep brown eyes, blond hair, beautiful smile and 16 year old. "And I swear, Your Honor, that's how she got in my room." --Argus Hamilton in Oklahoma City My daugher Serena, who is deaf, recently took an airplane flight by herself. Although she is an adult, she had never traveled without a companion. I was worried because she had to change planes in Denver. The airline personnel assured me that they were accustomed to these situations. Serena would be escorted to her connecting flight. As I listened, my apprehensions were alleviated. While waiting, Serena and I went to get a cup of coffee. I was feeling confident about my daughter's trip until I heard a voice on the loudspeaker announce, "Serena Sims, please report to Gate 5 for boarding." --Sheila Sims (La Mirada, Calif.) At our tire business we often recieve phone calls from customers who know little about tires. But if we know what kind of car they have, we can determine what they need. One day a woman called to say she wanted to buy tires. She didn't know what type or size she needed, so I asked her what kind of car she had. She answered, "Blue." I patiently asked her if she could be more specific. Her reply? "Light blue." --Contributed by Sue De Kelver I have my office in my home. When family matters occupy my day, I often find myself working into the night to complete business assignments. After one particularly late session, I stood in front of my mirror the next morning applying cover-stick to camouflage the dark circles under my eyes. "Mom must have been working late last night," I overheard my son telling his siblings. "She's using Wite-Out." --Contributed by Mary J. Mills |
| Call Baiting |
| My mother, a master of guilt trips, showed me a photo of herself waiting by a phone that never rings. "Mom, I call all the time!" I said. "If you had an answering machine, you'd know." Soon after, my brother installed on for her. When I called the next time, I got her machine: "If you are a salesperson, press one. If you're a friend, press two. If you're my daughter who never calls, press 911 because the shock will probably give me a heart attack." --Contributed by Susan Starace Balducci A police officer in Cedar Park, Texas, came up with the following taped announcement for her answering machine: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used to determine whether I will be able to return your call." --Contributed by Barbara J. Short |
| Life in These United States |
| As a mother withe children in preschool, I try to avoid standing in lines. For example, I have come to rely on automated teller machines (ATMs) for all of my banking transactions. One day, however, with both children in cooperative moods, I decided to actually enter the bank to make a deposit. Handing some checks over to the teller, I joked that I had grown so accustomed to ATMs that I wasn't even sure I remembered how to fill out a deposit slip. "The deposit slip looks fine to me," the teller replied. "But your account is in the bank across the street." --Joan Glusiec (East Stroudsburg, Pa.) While listening to music on earphones and reading the newspaper at the bus stop, I noticed another man with his head close to mine, reading the paper over my shoulder. I curtly told the person how much he was annoying me and that I'd be happy to give him 35 cents to buy his own paper if he'd like. "But I wasn't reading your paper," the man replied apologetically. "You were playing my favorite song." --Tony Schork (Louisville, Ky.) While visiting a friend at his mother's house, I was invited to stay for dinner. As I took my place at the table, my attention was immediately drawn to the large glass of iced tea to the left of my plate. For several moments my mind was flooded with happy memories of the large glasses of tea that my grandmother always served when I was a kid. About midway through the meal, I had managed to drink half my glass of tea when I noticed a much smaller galss to my right. As I was pondering what this other glass was for, my friend piped up, "Randy, why are you drinking out of the pitcher?" --Randy Uselton (Memphis, Tenn.) One evening my fiancee Jo Anne and I were watching a television show starring Lorenzo Lamas. "What a hunk!" she commented. Feeling slighted, I said, "Big deal. If you take away his good looks, muscular body, long hair and all of his money, what have you got?" She immediately shot back, "You!" --Contributed by Michael W. Johannes, Sr. |